Military Humor; different enlistment oaths for the services. Have any funny ones?

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 14:52:51 -0500

Different Services New Enlistment Oaths. I had to share this made me laugh for a while

New Enlistment Oaths

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

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US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

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Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2014 4:59 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 16:59:57 -0500

Those were hilarious! Thank you.

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made Nov 8 at 2014 5:04 PM

TSgt Joshua Copeland — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 17:04:28 -0500

Just for accuracy, the AF got ride of the bike test about a decade ago... I won't argue the rest.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2014 5:11 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 17:11:32 -0500

Very funny! I have a buddy who is retired Coast Guard and now works for the Coast Guard as a civilian, so I'll be sharing that one with him. Thanks for sharing!

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Nov 8 at 2014 5:22 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 17:22:59 -0500

OPSEC!...lol

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2014 5:26 PM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 17:26:57 -0500

Spot on with the Navy and Marine oaths!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 12 at 2014 3:20 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 12 Nov 2014 15:20:13 -0500

Now this just made my day! Thank you SFC Private RallyPoint Member

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 12 at 2014 7:58 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 12 Nov 2014 19:58:52 -0500

ROFL. Amazing!

Response by SGT Kristin Wiley made Nov 12 at 2014 8:49 PM

SGT Kristin Wiley — Wed, 12 Nov 2014 20:49:43 -0500

I know this is meant to be funny, but does anyone else find it offensive? I can't speak for the other services, but the Army one seems to include a lot of stigmas I've never heard associated with my service before.

Response by SSG Robin Rushlo made Dec 19 at 2014 12:59 PM

SSG Robin Rushlo — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 12:59:14 -0500

Laugh for the day. By the way I am ARMY but it is a great laugh

Guy walks into a bar and trailing behind is an old, mangy dog who promptly curls up in a corner and goes to sleep as the guy is bellying up to the bar.
Bartender comes over and says: "No dogs allowed in here, you'll have to put him outside."
Guy says: "You can see he's an old dog, it's cold out there and I take him everywhere. If he can do a trick you like will you let him stay?"
Bartender says: "Him do a trick? That I would like to see."
Guy goes up to the dog and yells: "Navy beat Army". Dog's ears immediately come up, he pops up, jumps on the bar, does thirteen back flips, barks out the rhythm of Anchors Weigh, jumps off the bar and promptly goes back to sleep in the corner.
Bartender says: "That really is something - what does he do when Army beats Navy?"
Guy replies: "Don't know - he's only thirteen years old."

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 5 at 2015 1:14 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 13:14:56 -0500

Now that's funny

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 1 at 2015 7:07 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 01 Mar 2015 19:07:22 -0500

That was brilliant, the "so help me Neptune" bit at the end of the Navy one was a nice touch.

Response by CCMSgt Michael Sullivan Ph.D made May 5 at 2015 3:02 PM

CCMSgt Michael Sullivan Ph.D — Tue, 05 May 2015 15:02:11 -0400

LMAO

Response by MSgt Ken Flood made Dec 26 at 2016 6:47 PM

MSgt Ken Flood — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 18:47:23 -0500

Very amusing, but some of it is true. I joined the Air Force because i didn't want to be in the Jungle of Viet Nam and it worked, but that didn't stop the rockets.

Response by PO3 Steven Sherrill made Dec 27 at 2016 12:09 PM

PO3 Steven Sherrill — Tue, 27 Dec 2016 12:09:12 -0500

SFC Private RallyPoint Member I like it. They are all funny, and hold enough reality.

Oath of enlistment for all:
I (can't remember my name because I am hungover from my enlistment party last night) do solemnly state (because we cannot swear or affirm anymore) that I have not thought this through. That at some level I am a patriot, but mostly I am running away from my problems. I further agree to believe that any promises made by my recruiter are in fact going to come true no matter how far fetched (can't wait to get my pony). I will endeavor to ensure that senior enlisted do not know my name. I will change my socks, hydrate, and take motrin for all ailments from a hangnail to gunshot. in exchange I agree to be compensated less than a fast food worker. I will perform maintenance on outdated equipment that we do not use, because it is there. I will learn to survive on Caffeine, nicotine, and anger. I will learn to iron my underwear. Upon completion of my service, I will listen to potential employers thank me for serving, before telling me that my skills learned in service do not translate to the civilian world. So help me (oops I almost invoked divinity, sorry).

Response by CPO Ronnie Townes made Dec 27 at 2016 1:39 PM

CPO Ronnie Townes — Tue, 27 Dec 2016 13:39:21 -0500

Lol!!!

Response by PFC Leander Yazzie made Dec 29 at 2016 2:48 PM

PFC Leander Yazzie — Thu, 29 Dec 2016 14:48:44 -0500

That was spondarifically great!
Staff made my day and nearly spilled my coffee.

Response by SGT David Racette made Mar 12 at 2019 1:20 AM

SGT David Racette — Tue, 12 Mar 2019 01:20:09 -0400

They were actually funny, and spot on

Response by Capt Daniel Goodman made Oct 9 at 2019 12:22 AM

Capt Daniel Goodman — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 00:22:43 -0400

OK, I gotta admit, that one was a pip...I don't know where you found it, however, it's absolutely priceless, obv....

Response by Sgt Dale Briggs made Oct 28 at 2019 8:01 PM

Sgt Dale Briggs — Mon, 28 Oct 2019 20:01:54 -0400

I don’t think drug interdiction is much of a joke with guys doing life if they get caught. They’re desperate to get away and they’re armed, even if they get away they might get killed for losing the haul.

Response by SPC Nancy Greene made Mar 12 at 2020 5:27 AM

SPC Nancy Greene — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 05:27:15 -0400

LMAO

would ‘willingly’ take any one or all of those ‘oath’s’...HAHAHAHA

Response by Sgt Dale Briggs made Oct 4 at 2020 12:39 PM

Sgt Dale Briggs — Sun, 04 Oct 2020 12:39:44 -0400

Lol, we always pick on our brothers in arms, all in good fun, but the CG rescue divers are first rate by any standard, and drug interdictions are dangerous with men armed and facing life in a Federal Prison for life. . I saw a story on FB this week from a CG Gunners Mate who was in a Higgins Boat on the first wave onto Iwo Jima, when the ramp dropped 14-15 Marines were killed in a few seconds. He couldn’t get the door closed because dead Marines were jamming it up. Much respect to anyone who signs 4 years away to serve.

Response by 1st Lt Padre Dave Poedel made Apr 7 at 2021 11:41 PM

1st Lt Padre Dave Poedel — Wed, 07 Apr 2021 23:41:07 -0400

I did both Air Force and Navy and then commissioned Air Force.....the Civil Service branch of the DOD.

Response by PO1 Dee Lee made May 27 at 2021 8:07 AM

PO1 Dee Lee — Thu, 27 May 2021 08:07:39 -0400

Hilarious. I spent 3 years in the Air Force before switching over to the Navy. My last 6 years before retirement were on recruiting duty. I went to the Air Force office to get an applicants documents that the AF still had. After seeing an Air Force ribbon he commented in a rather snide way “Why did ever leave the Air Force to join the Navy?”. My reply was “Because I got tired of being in the country club and wanted to join the military!” He found no humor in that. As I turned to leave I smiled and winked at the 3 applicants he had sitting on his couch. I never will forget that.

Response by PO2 Russell "Russ" Lincoln made Sep 2 at 2021 5:10 PM

PO2 Russell "Russ" Lincoln — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 17:10:22 -0400

Out of the five oaths I took 2 of them or at least that's how I remember them.

Response by Maj Joan Marine made Feb 25 at 2023 4:15 PM

Maj Joan Marine — Sat, 25 Feb 2023 16:15:23 -0500

Spot on!