Joke for today! Any other good jokes post them!

SFC Robin Gates — Tue, 05 Aug 2014 11:13:26 -0400

The value of an Officer VS a NCO

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"

Response by SFC Robin Gates made Aug 5 at 2014 11:28 AM

SFC Robin Gates — Tue, 05 Aug 2014 11:28:59 -0400

Another joke!
The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2014 1:28 PM

CW2 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 Aug 2014 13:28:41 -0400

HAHA these are great Sergeant!

Response by SGT Rik Thibodeau made Mar 7 at 2015 9:06 AM

SGT Rik Thibodeau — Sat, 07 Mar 2015 09:06:43 -0500

Skeleton walks into a bar, says "Gimme a beer...and a mop."

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Mar 11 at 2015 3:42 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 15:42:09 -0400

50 Shades of Golf
Four Military Police servicemen have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had my handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

Response by Cpl Patrick Brent made Mar 18 at 2015 2:00 PM

Cpl Patrick Brent — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 14:00:00 -0400

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Response by Cpl Ben Morris made Mar 18 at 2015 7:19 PM

Cpl Ben Morris — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 19:19:10 -0400

LOL that was great!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Mar 20 at 2015 3:21 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 20 Mar 2015 15:21:19 -0400

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Mar 23 at 2015 3:01 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Mon, 23 Mar 2015 15:01:00 -0400

SEMPER FI!

A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."

The priest says,"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

Response by CPT Zachary Brooks made Mar 23 at 2015 8:15 PM

CPT Zachary Brooks — Mon, 23 Mar 2015 20:15:56 -0400

A newly commissioned 2LT was made aid to a GEN. The GEN was excited to mentor his new 2LT and began to tell about the new 2LT's exciting career growth possibilities.

"What you are now is a fresh 2LT with a shiny golden bar. This shows that you are bright and shiny, but still malleable and willing to improve."

"Once you get promoted your bar will tarnish and become silver which increases your worth and your durability."

"From there you will eventually gain a second bar to show that you have doubled your value."

"As your career grows you will eventually put on the soaring eagle, symbol of our freedom, and then eventually start with your starts to show your lofty assent."

The 2LT is confused for a second and asks the GEN: "Sir, I think you forgot a few ranks in there, what about MAJs and LTCs?"

The GEN replied: "Well, I didn't forget them, we here in the military just do what artists have done for thousands of years. We use leaves to cover up our dicks and assholes."

Response by SSG Richard Reilly made Apr 14 at 2015 1:34 PM

SSG Richard Reilly — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 13:34:11 -0400

Hillary Clinton is running for president...

Ok I couldn't resist.

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 14 at 2015 1:35 PM

CW3 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 13:35:57 -0400

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Apr 15 at 2015 9:12 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 09:12:26 -0400

Japanese sex

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of
performing highly erotic sex:
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe your ass just sat there and tried to read this. As if
you understand Japanese!

Unbelievable!

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need help!!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2015 9:33 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 21:33:39 -0400

Does anyone know why Canadians do it doggy style?

It's so they won't miss any hockey games..

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2015 9:40 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 21:40:20 -0400

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2015 9:42 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 21:42:31 -0400

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2015 9:46 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 21:46:49 -0400

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2015 9:48 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 21:48:49 -0400

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.'

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2015 10:14 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 22:14:49 -0400

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Response by SP5 Joel O'Brien made Apr 15 at 2015 11:46 PM

SP5 Joel O'Brien — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 23:46:33 -0400

The Dali Lama walks into a pizza parlor and asks the pizza guy:
"Can you make me one with everything?"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 17 at 2015 1:31 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 13:31:56 -0400

I love Rodney Dangerfield jokes. This list is a little long but funny as hell.
Memorable Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped my Mother.

I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?".He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

Response by PO1 Ken Johnson made Apr 17 at 2015 3:03 PM

PO1 Ken Johnson — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 15:03:51 -0400

Four guys are playing golf on a Sunday morning when on the 7th tee they hear church bells ringing in the distance...

One of the guys looks in that direction and says, "I feel a little guilty now. I should have gone to church!"

One of the others says "I couldn't have gone to church today any way.... the wife is sick!"

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Apr 18 at 2015 9:20 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sat, 18 Apr 2015 21:20:16 -0400

The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know!!

Children Writing About the Ocean.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my
mom. (James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of hummer

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Apr 25 at 2015 6:56 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 18:56:58 -0400

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then that dog's face is worth at least 800 of them!

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 25 at 2015 7:49 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 19:49:39 -0400

I can see it now. The new politically correct GI Joe/Jane that talk. Joes goes to the NCO club (in uniform) and sees GI Jane talking to Bi-sexual Barbie. Everything is fine until GI Parsons comes in with his Bible and all hell breaks loose. Jane and Barbie tell GI Parsons that you respect our beliefs and bake us a cake. An activist judge holds up their lawsuit while down the road a Jihadist bakes a cake with a severed head on it. What bakery would you go to?

Response by SPC Jan Allbright, M.Sc., R.S. made Apr 30 at 2015 11:14 AM

SPC Jan Allbright, M.Sc., R.S. — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 11:14:20 -0400

For the Firefighters out there ...

There was a grass fire burning and quickly getting out of control.
A paid department was battling the fire and quickly losing the battle.
The Chief decided to call for mutual aid and the only department that could respond was a Volly outfit down the road.
Not 100% pleased the Chief accepted the aid with feeling of foreboding.
About 10 minutes later the Vollys show up in a battered old engine.
The Chief tried to wave them down to the Command Center, but the Vollys blew right past and as the Chief watched he saw them roll right into the center of the fire at which time the Vollys bailed out of the truck and starting fighting the fire with a vengeance.
The paid firefighters, feeling a bit ashamed, redoubled their efforts and shortly the fire was under control.
The Chief of the paid department walked over to the Volly Chief and said..
"You know, I really didn't hold you Vollys in very high regard until today. You guys did a hell of a job and that attack reeked of guts. I know you guys are strapped for cash so how would you like a nice cash donation.
At this the Volly Chief replied..
"Well .. getting the brakes done on the engine would sure help"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2015 1:34 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 13:34:24 -0400

In this joke you may have to read it twice before it clicks, what it says:

A man and his son go to visit an Indian reservation. The Indian Chief is supposed to have the greatest memory in the Indian Nations. The father and son walk around a little bit and then the father asked the Indian Chief what he normally eats for breakfast. Thr Indian Chief tells him bacon and eggs every day. About two years later, the father and son decide to go visit the Indian Chief again to see if he remembered them. They walk up to the Chief and the father raises his hand to the Chief, and says, "How". The Chief looks at him and says, scrambled..

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2015 1:42 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 13:42:25 -0400

A young Indian boy goes to his father and tells him he has a question that's he's been thinking about. The father tells his to ask him. So the boy asked his father, how do Indians get their names? Oh, that is easy question to answer. When the baby is born, the first thing the mother sees becomes the baby's name. Like your sister Spotted Fawn or like your brother, Soaring Eagle. The boy then says thank you father for answering my question. Then the father looked at his son and asked him, why do you ask such silly question, Two Dogs Fucking?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2015 1:54 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 13:54:35 -0400

A bit long and better when told but her goes

One day a elementary school teacher decided she would give her students a spelling quiz in alphabetical order. Of course little johnny being the foul mouth smart ass that he is instantly raised his hand..

Teacher: can i get aw ord for A?
Johnny: ohhhh please pick me please please i know this one( evil grin)

The teacher realizing johnny would utter foolishness completely ignored him and called on Susie who answered with "Apple"

Teacher: class how about a word for B?
Johnny reaching is hand as far as i would go: please teacher please i know this one!(evil grin)

Again realizing that B would be a curse word from johnny she pick tim who answered with "ball"

This went on for the rest of the alphabet and johnny kinda realized he would not get a chance to play. When the teacher got to R, johnny just half hazardly threw his hand up. The teacher realizing no one else had raised their hand, and not being able to think of one bad word with R decided she would call on johnny

Teacher: okay johnny youve been patient enough, go ahead and give me a word for R
Johnny: Rat
Teacher: good job johnny im very impres..(johnny cuts her off mid sentence(

A HUGE FxxKING RAT WITH A Dxck >____________________________< THIS BIG!!!!

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2015 1:58 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 13:58:29 -0400

Nerd joke inbound:

What is the first thing to go through a mosquito's mind as it's about to be splattered against a windshield?

Its proboscis.

(yuk yuk yuk)

Response by SFC Jeff Gurchinoff made Apr 30 at 2015 3:07 PM

SFC Jeff Gurchinoff — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 15:07:42 -0400

I like jokes, but consider the forum your joke is being shared in. Some jokes are appropriate in a bar setting among a small group of intimate friends and some are definitely NOT appropriate while speaking to an audience of a few thousand while you stand at a podium in a setting geared towards professional leadership development.

I love social media, but consider every post we write as being delivered from behind a podium and tell jokes appropriate to that audience.

I can take or tell a crude joke with the best of them, but I also know where to do it.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Apr 30 at 2015 7:17 PM

SGT Richard H. — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 19:17:47 -0400

Two elderly gentlemen are sitting in a small boat, under a bridge, fishing. As the morning passes, a few words are exchanged, but mostly they just quietly fish.
Bob, the elder of the two, happens to glance up and sees a funeral procession passing overhead on the bridge, so he sets his pole in the holder, stands, removes his hat, and places it over his heart. After the procession passes he puts his hat back on, picks up his pole, and without a word, resumes fishing.
Joe, completely bewildered, says "Bob, that was touching. What made you stand and show such respect for that funeral procession?"
Bob looks at Joe for a long moment and says "Well...I was married to her for 41 years. I figured I owed her at least that."

Response by SPC Carl K. made May 2 at 2015 11:21 PM

SPC Carl K. — Sat, 02 May 2015 23:21:56 -0400

Three things you never want to hear while in the army:

A Private say, "Based on my experience....."

A Second Lieutenant say, "Follow me, I know the way"

A Warrant Officer say, "Let's try this S**t one time."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2015 12:18 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 13 May 2015 12:18:41 -0400

4 Worms In Church"

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
You won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend...
Just as I've done. "Hang in there, sunshine.

You're special!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made May 13 at 2015 4:38 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Wed, 13 May 2015 16:38:03 -0400

sorry Keith!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2015 9:58 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 13 May 2015 21:58:03 -0400

So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”

The clerk said,
"Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made May 15 at 2015 4:57 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 15 May 2015 16:57:09 -0400

Police Retraining

Now let me see if I have this right.
There's no guidance or discipline in the home. The family situation is so unstable, 'Junior' doesn't even know where or to whom to send a Father's Day card. Junior gets dumped into the education system where he is socially promoted because the overwhelmed school district can't deal with the undisciplined whelp. Junior's major formative influences are 'gangsta' rap videos and a corresponding peer group of gangsta wannabes.
At age 18, Junior is turned loose on society carrying a bad attitude, a broken compass and little respect for authority. Junior gets himself in big trouble with the law and meets dire consequences. Then, the situation diagnosis is that the police need more training and understanding?
Pardon me for asking, but do you really believe this bullshit

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made May 15 at 2015 8:54 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 15 May 2015 20:54:12 -0400

This was sent to me by a friend and obvious he is from Maine. This is the way he started his email,
"Evening from the woods of Maine where Men are men and sheep are petrified!!!!!"

Got to love it!

Response by SSG Nick Tramontano made May 15 at 2015 11:53 PM

SSG Nick Tramontano — Fri, 15 May 2015 23:53:07 -0400

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named T-square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog, Measure, was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed that this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the Union member and said "What can your dog do?" The Teamster member called his dog whose name was Coffee Break, and said, "Show the fellas what you can do." Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed grievance for unsafe working conditions, and left for home on sick leave !! ;)

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made May 16 at 2015 9:34 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sat, 16 May 2015 21:34:49 -0400

This photo definitely speaks for itself . What in hell are these people thinking? This has to be one of those WalMart people? Can you just imagine what he looks like from the front?

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made May 17 at 2015 7:13 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sun, 17 May 2015 07:13:43 -0400

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made May 17 at 2015 7:27 AM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 17 May 2015 07:27:03 -0400

http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/05/captain-charged-with-manslaughter-after-leaving-lieutenant-unattended-in-parked-car/

Captain Charged With Manslaughter After Leaving Lieutenant Unattended In Parked Car

Captain Leaves Lieutenant Unattended In Parked Car

FORT HUACHUCA, AZ — The company commander of a signal unit has been arrested on manslaughter charges after leaving his executive officer unattended in a parked car Friday, military police confirmed. Capt. Rick Halset, 30, was apprehended after his Executive Officer, Lt. Carl Higgs, 26, was found dead, still locked inside the vehicle. Higgs was …

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 17 at 2015 9:58 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 17 May 2015 09:58:16 -0400

A really tall black man is I an elevator when a white guy gets on. The white guy looks at the black man in a kind of awe.

The black man knew the questions usually asked so without prompting he says:

" 7 feet, 6 inches, 340 pounds, 21 and a half inch penis, 7 and a half pound testicals, Turner Brown".

The white guy goes dead pale and passes out. Mr.brown rushes over to try to revive him. As the white guy looks up, he asks in a shaky voice:

" What was that last thing you said?"

Mr. Brown looks a little confused and says:

"Turner Brown, my name, Turner Brown."

The white guys face floods with relief:

" Sweet Jesus, I thought you said turn around."

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made May 17 at 2015 12:05 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sun, 17 May 2015 12:05:45 -0400

Super Bowl Rings are in for the Patriots. What do you think?

Response by SSG Paul Setterholm made Jun 1 at 2015 9:58 PM

SSG Paul Setterholm — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 21:58:23 -0400

Response by SSG Paul Setterholm made Jun 1 at 2015 9:59 PM

SSG Paul Setterholm — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 21:59:11 -0400

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Jun 5 at 2015 1:40 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 13:40:13 -0400

Here's something to think about. Do you think if Russia attacked Turkey from the rear, that Greece would help? I had to ask, after all it is Friday!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 7:51 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 19:51:31 -0400

Here's one of my favorites.

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed.
Promise me you will never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
Hillary was shocked, but thought, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. And since I know he is addicted to sex, three times is not too bad.

She said, OK Bill, I guess I can forgive you. Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 5 at 2015 7:58 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 19:58:32 -0400

I'll just post a cartoon!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Jun 12 at 2015 8:52 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 08:52:12 -0400

Dream newspaper headlines for Jan 21, 2017

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 13 at 2015 10:39 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 10:39:46 -0400

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York
to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth” he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?

Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And,

Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?

Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy, little Johnny puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny” he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?"

I have five questions:

First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?

Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?

Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And, Fifth - Where's Kenneth?

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 14 at 2015 3:50 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 15:50:06 -0400

Ages
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but was directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 14 at 2015 4:00 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 16:00:02 -0400

A little Indian boy goes to his father and asks, how do Indians get their names? His father says that is easy question to answer. When a woman has a baby, the first thing she sees becomes the name. Like your sister Spotted Fawn, and your brother Running Deer. Oh, says the boy, now I understand. The father then asked the son, what made you think of such a silly question, Two Dogs Humping...

Response by PO3 David Fries made Jun 14 at 2015 4:24 PM

PO3 David Fries — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 16:24:10 -0400

Everyone knows that each of the branches has a different definition of the same word. Take secure for instance. Say it to the Navy , and they will evacuate, sealing all the water tight doors on the way out. Say it to the Army, and they will set up a perimeter. Say it to the Marines, and they will destroy a target with superior force of arms. Say it to the Air Force, and they will take out a 3 year lease with option to buy.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 29 at 2015 11:13 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 11:13:27 -0400

Every time I read some great jokes I have to copy and paste them into this question. I turned 70 on 24 June, and my wife forwarded these jokes to me. Enjoy!

Subject: When you're over 70 who gives a shit

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"
I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
Cost me 6 stitches.
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 2 at 2015 10:36 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 02 Jul 2015 22:36:35 -0400

Another Great Joke
Aviation Wisdom about Drones
From CDR Ace Jewell, USN retired, now about 88, Fighter Pilot in 3 wars and LSO extraordinaire.
They don't make them like Ace anymore.
This is what he has to say about Drones:
"Drones will not be late to briefings, start fights at happy hour, destroy Officer Clubs, attempt to
seduce others' dates, purchase huge watches, insult other military services, sing "O'Leary's Balls,"
dance on tables, yell "Show us your tits!!!" or do all of the other things that we know win wars!"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 10 at 2015 5:49 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 10 Jul 2015 17:49:42 -0400

Another goodun
A daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand.

He said that I have beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad replied, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

Response by SSG Nick Tramontano made Jul 12 at 2015 1:35 AM

SSG Nick Tramontano — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 01:35:30 -0400

Response by MSgt Marvin Kinderknecht made Jul 24 at 2015 9:10 PM

MSgt Marvin Kinderknecht — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 21:10:12 -0400

Ha Ha

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Aug 4 at 2015 10:00 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 04 Aug 2015 10:00:11 -0400

Subject: Chicago school math

Chicago Schools are finally starting to teach practical math problems that these kids can use in real-world situations!

NAME ____________________________________________________

GANG/CREW NAME _________________________________________

CRIB _____________________________________________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload ?

2.. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit ?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit ?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside ?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for an SUV. If he steals (1) BMW, (2) Corvettes and (3) SUV's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out ?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over ?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up ?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income ?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Aug 4 at 2015 5:05 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 04 Aug 2015 17:05:12 -0400

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot.
"She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, and K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic He'll be able to see again.

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Aug 4 at 2015 5:12 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 04 Aug 2015 17:12:53 -0400

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Aug 4 at 2015 5:23 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 04 Aug 2015 17:23:38 -0400

Now this is a real good one! Now come on, if The Donald did have a cat, what do you think?

Response by CPO Roy House made Aug 4 at 2015 6:33 PM

CPO Roy House — Tue, 04 Aug 2015 18:33:33 -0400

A few weeks ago a Priest ran into a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ask the Priest, "How are things with you Father?"
The priest said, "things are well, except, someone stole my bicycle."
The Rabbi said, "next Sunday why don't you preach on the Ten Commandments? When you get to the part about 'thou shalt not steal,' maybe the person will feel guilty and bring it back."
"Why thank you Rabbi, I think I shall try that."
The next they met again.
The Rabbi asked, "Father, how was your service? Did you get your bike back?"
The Priest said, "yes, I did get my bike back."
"So, the person that stole it felt guilty?"
"No, when I got to the part about 'thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife', I remembered where I left my bicycle"

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Aug 5 at 2015 2:40 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 14:40:33 -0400

Now just think about this? It may save your life!

A Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to naked bars, and dated ladies half his age, and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching, and never paid child support or alimony, and banged cheerleaders, and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was frikin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
The End

Response by SPC Americo Garcia made Aug 5 at 2015 7:04 PM

SPC Americo Garcia — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 19:04:47 -0400

So a Doe comes out of the woods, all messed up fur a mess, and She says that is the last time I will do anything for two bucks.

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Aug 5 at 2015 8:20 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 20:20:24 -0400

What do you say to someone who has two black eyes? Nothing! They've already been told twice.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 8:22 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 20:22:26 -0400

Stuck on all the jokes, love them!! Needed the laughs today so thank you to everyone posting them!!

Response by TSgt Sean LaPlante made Aug 5 at 2015 8:30 PM

TSgt Sean LaPlante — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 20:30:32 -0400

Damn that's funny!!!! LOL

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 10:04 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 22:04:21 -0400

Moral of the story... You can mold a piece of sh#t into a good NCO, but officers are a special kind of stupid.

Response by Sgt Ken Prescott made Aug 5 at 2015 11:42 PM

Sgt Ken Prescott — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 23:42:50 -0400

Sometimes, I stop and wonder what goes through the mind of a terrorist.

(I hope it's a 7.62 NATO round.)

Response by CW5 Sam R. Baker made Aug 6 at 2015 12:07 AM

CW5 Sam R. Baker — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 00:07:09 -0400

Kind of makes sense now doesn't it?

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 10 at 2015 11:35 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 10 Aug 2015 23:35:45 -0400

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

What da ya expect from the Scotts!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 25 at 2015 10:53 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 25 Aug 2015 22:53:44 -0400

An old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property?.... he had a paper route!"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2015 2:28 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:28:32 -0400

The Art Collector's Wife

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

Response by SSG Paul Setterholm made Sep 18 at 2015 6:10 PM

SSG Paul Setterholm — Fri, 18 Sep 2015 18:10:24 -0400

Response by SSG Paul Setterholm made Sep 18 at 2015 6:11 PM

SSG Paul Setterholm — Fri, 18 Sep 2015 18:11:04 -0400

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 18 at 2015 8:30 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 18 Sep 2015 20:30:48 -0400

These are some of my favorite cartoon jokes.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 19 at 2015 12:54 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 19 Sep 2015 12:54:04 -0400

Response by CPT Ahmed Faried made Sep 21 at 2015 2:03 PM

CPT Ahmed Faried — Mon, 21 Sep 2015 14:03:02 -0400

hahahahaha

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 21 at 2015 5:45 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 21 Sep 2015 17:45:41 -0400

Response by SSG Nick Tramontano made Sep 25 at 2015 10:00 PM

SSG Nick Tramontano — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 22:00:54 -0400

Home › Short Jokes › Miscellaneous Jokes

*** A UNION MANS DOG ***

Four workers were discussing how smart thier dogs were. The first
was an engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog
was named "T-Square" and he told him to get some paper and draw a
square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named
"Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back,
and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His
dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces
into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three
men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They
all turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do ?" The
Teamster member called his dog, whose name was "Coffee Break" and
said, "Show the fellows what you can do." "Coffee Break" went over
and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the
other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for work-
man's compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Oct 13 at 2015 2:40 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 13 Oct 2015 14:40:56 -0400

At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2015 8:33 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 22 Oct 2015 20:33:30 -0400

Hi babe. Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail. I was
locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party. In my defense,
when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick
in.

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Oct 27 at 2015 2:39 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 14:39:36 -0400

I just can't help it. I had to post this. Oh well!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Oct 29 at 2015 11:15 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Thu, 29 Oct 2015 11:15:13 -0400

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2015 12:59 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 12:59:46 -0400

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead,
gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman: “Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes
Benz?”
Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”
Businessman: “How close?”
Flight Attendant: “Same price”

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 30 at 2015 10:43 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 22:43:05 -0400

Response by SGT John Rauch made Oct 31 at 2015 9:23 AM

SGT John Rauch — Sat, 31 Oct 2015 09:23:21 -0400

what do you call a homeless horse? ................unstable...........

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Nov 9 at 2015 4:25 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 16:25:10 -0500

Have a
deep "belly" laugh! This is absolutely hilarious!
A water Bed in a
German furniture store. Note that the sign
says NOT to
get on the bed, but oh well..the best way to motivate people
to do something is to put up a sign
saying
"Don't........!"

Turn
on speakers and watch people trying out the water
bed.

It's in German, but that
only makes it funnier.
Watch for
the last two ladies !

http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0

Real water bed - YouTube

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 10 at 2015 6:05 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Nov 2015 18:05:20 -0500

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 10 at 2015 6:07 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 10 Nov 2015 18:07:01 -0500

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 12 at 2015 11:31 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 11:31:07 -0500

These are a collection of funny quotes from famous people.

And some of these are pretty funny...

John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror

Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked

Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Warren Tantum... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical

Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap

Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone

Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 23 at 2015 9:41 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 21:41:08 -0500

DUCT TAPE, Don't leave home without it:
During a private "fly-in" fishing
excursion in the Alaskan wilderness, the chartered pilot and fishermen
left a cooler with bait in the airplane. A bear smelled it. This is what
he did to the plane.

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Dec 4 at 2015 9:01 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 04 Dec 2015 21:01:57 -0500

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Dec 8 at 2015 8:24 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 08 Dec 2015 20:24:59 -0500

They Say It Works!!

This is the picture the Doctor shows to you if your erection lasts 4 hours or more.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 21 at 2015 9:28 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 21 Dec 2015 21:28:49 -0500

A woman asked an old Sergeant in the army the last time he made love to a woman...
The Sergeant stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the Sergeant afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The Sergeant looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2145 now!"

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 22 at 2015 9:40 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 09:40:45 -0500

My civilian friends are always sending me these FB memes with pics of some remote cabin in the woods with the caption "For a million $ would you live here for a year without TV and internet". And I'm like, "Dude, I lived in a freaking tent in Iraq for a year without TV and internet, with mofos shooting at me and trying to blow me up." .....

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 22 at 2015 8:41 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 20:41:02 -0500

DON'T GET A DUI THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI!! It saved me!!

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a Christmas Party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant!!
Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized
how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi!!

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Merry Christmas and be safe out there!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 15 at 2016 10:53 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 10:53:26 -0500

MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old Vietnam Veteran, Mr.Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One Day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept
my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your
pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
Yes, 'said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?

(You've gotta love this.)
Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 21 at 2016 6:59 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 18:59:18 -0500

Heard the one about the old Texas cowboy visiting the big city who strays into a lesbian bar? He sits down on a bar stool next to a tough-looking woman in biker leathers; tips his hat politely; and says, “Howdy, ma’am.” She looks at him hard and says, “Don’t ma’am me, cowpoke. I’m a lesbian. All I think about is young, beautiful women and their soft, lovely bodies, and all the things I can do to them. That’s all I think about, day in, day out, at night, all night and all day when I’m at work.” Thinking she’d shocked him, she challenged him with, “So whaddaya think about that?” The old fellow looks at her for a long thoughtful moment and responds, “Well, when I walked in here I thought for sure I was a cowboy, but dang if you ain’t got me wonderin’ if mebbe I ain’t a lesbian.”

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 22 at 2016 12:37 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 00:37:55 -0500

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Feb 5 at 2016 9:45 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 09:45:26 -0500

A parable to meditate on in our politically correct society
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town
The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk".
So they decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
So they both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.
Have a nice day!!!!!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Feb 7 at 2016 10:40 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 10:40:26 -0500

When my friend goes to her ATM, she always brings along Smith and Wesson.
She has never had any problems . . .

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Feb 7 at 2016 10:43 AM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 10:43:09 -0500

How do you like the new religious sect in ALASKA?

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Feb 17 at 2016 5:04 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 17:04:32 -0500

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went
over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious
home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he
could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet,
he was astonished to see That Clinton had a gold urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in
Clinton 's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should
get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit to
self-indulgent... even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, Michelle had lunch with Hillary. She told
Hillary how impressed her husband was because
Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Feb 17 at 2016 7:34 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 19:34:19 -0500

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.”
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't."

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 21 at 2016 9:38 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 21 Feb 2016 21:38:00 -0500

The family of a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in the Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than they could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a nursing home for retired soldiers. They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got first choice, they would take vets of the other services if there happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.
A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit."How do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.
"It's wonderful," said the old Marine. "Great chow, lots to do, and they treat everyone with great respect."
"How so, Pop?”
"Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force. He hasn't worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'
Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted a note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'
And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, has not operated on anyone in 20 years, but they still call him 'Doctor.’ "

"That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?”

"Me? They treat me with even more respect. I'm 92, haven't had sex in 10 years, and they still call me, 'That Fucking Marine!'"
SEMPER FI!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Feb 23 at 2016 2:16 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 14:16:57 -0500

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who
said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except
for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from
Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher
continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your
country?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he
said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right
now !" ...she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said
that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything
else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying
against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "Americans if Hillary gets elected."

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Mar 1 at 2016 4:45 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 01 Mar 2016 16:45:08 -0500

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, NFLD man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord have mercy!" exclaimed Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Mar 8 at 2016 6:59 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 08 Mar 2016 18:59:26 -0500

Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the river"

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Mar 8 at 2016 7:03 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Tue, 08 Mar 2016 19:03:55 -0500

A woman asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again.
Men will get it the first time.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 15 at 2016 8:07 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 15 Mar 2016 20:07:33 -0400