Is leaving the military like experiencing a death in the family?

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 May 2015 19:40:23 -0400

I heard a story this weekend on NPR about separations - from the military, divorce, etc. The narrator maintained that leaving the military when one's hitch is up, or returning from a deployment and going our separate ways, is the death of a special bond we had with our comrades in arms, and we experience some parts of the grieving process that follow an actual death.

I didn't experience this feeling when I left the military - I think - because I continued to serve and work with my Army colleagues as a DA civilian. I do remember, however, missing the camaraderie and closeness of my first assignment with the 82nd Airborne Division. We were a very close team, squad, platoon, and even company. Our leaders built esprit de corps and unit cohesion like I have not experienced since. I did "grieve" a little and miss those guys a lot.

Veterans, did you find this to be the case when you left the military? Others, did you feel this when you left a particularly close-knit unit? Or a close circle of military friends? Do you think this is valid? Or is it bunk and psychobabble?

Response by GySgt Wayne A. Ekblad made May 5 at 2015 7:42 PM

GySgt Wayne A. Ekblad — Tue, 05 May 2015 19:42:41 -0400

Yes, I felt this way ... and still do from time to time.

Response by LTC Stephen F. made May 5 at 2015 7:51 PM

LTC Stephen F. — Tue, 05 May 2015 19:51:52 -0400

Serving in various different capacity's [regular Army enlisted and commissioned from 1974 - 1992]; unpaid reserve drill status [1992 - 9/10/2001] mobilized reserve status [10/2001 -05/2004] and paid reserve drill status [06/2004 - 05/2008]; I worked for, with and over thousands of soldiers. Some I knew for days while others I knew for decades. Bonds formed under stress and honed over long periods of boredom punctuated with additional stress. I felt like I died twice - first when I was involuntarily separated in October 1992 and the second time when I transferred from the active rolls to the retired reserve rolls in May 2008 and was told I was not required or authorized to out-process from the military I had dedicated most of my adult life to.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made May 5 at 2015 8:13 PM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 May 2015 20:13:19 -0400

I do not agree. It is just a new challenge to be met.

Response by SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., MSM, DSL made May 5 at 2015 8:14 PM

SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., MSM, DSL — Tue, 05 May 2015 20:14:33 -0400

It's a life changing experience, if you served over 25 years it's tough.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made May 5 at 2015 8:45 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 05 May 2015 20:45:26 -0400

Jigsaw called it "being reborn."

That's also a nod to Chinese astrology and the year of the pig.

Response by LTC John Shaw made May 5 at 2015 9:21 PM

LTC John Shaw — Tue, 05 May 2015 21:21:17 -0400

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member Yes, it is a death of the old life into a new. I found a feeling of remorse each time I left active duty and returned to my civilian job and reserve status.

The last deployment to Afghanistan, seemed the hardest with so many who died in the Afghan Surge and I found it very difficult to find the same level meaning in my job. The passion and motivation need time to come back and for your brain to let you know all is OK.

My wife and kids say I am different, no matter how much I want to be the same person that went on active duty, you are impacted and can only hope the change is not too much.

Response by SSG John Bacon made May 5 at 2015 11:14 PM

SSG John Bacon — Tue, 05 May 2015 23:14:18 -0400

I see how one could look at as a type of death, So much left unfinished, the feeling that you could have contributed more. I feel that way every time I watch the news or pick up a paper and read about how screwed up everything is right now. I am sure my father thinks the same way, as well as my grand fathers before them.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made May 5 at 2015 11:31 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Tue, 05 May 2015 23:31:41 -0400

You know my story. I just wanted some closure. My retirement consisted of opening a letter and seeing that I was removed from the TDRL list and placed on the retirement list.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 6 at 2015 1:51 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 06 May 2015 01:51:22 -0400

A friend of a friend told me about a job before I retired, I applied and started working a couple days after terminal leave started. Polo shirts and slacks instead of BDU's and I only had to look after myself... it was on a help desk and that job helped me finish my degree which opened new doors. I don't think I really slowed down long enough to think about it and now it's been almost 12 years. Working as a contractor also helped a lot, in a way I still get to look out for soldiers and that is extremely gratifying.

I also believe it helped a lot that I was only 38 when I retired. I knew I had another 30 years of working, after my 20 years in the Army.

Response by SFC Rich Carey made May 6 at 2015 9:46 AM

SFC Rich Carey — Wed, 06 May 2015 09:46:40 -0400

It doesn't have to be like death, use the military as a stepping stone to move up. I always asked everyone, what is your plan after the military? However I always heard, I will worry about that when I get there, hummm...maybe that is why for most it might feel like death... Preparation is key.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made May 6 at 2015 11:20 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Wed, 06 May 2015 11:20:47 -0400

It was a sense of freedom as I became of little value to the army. It was quiet evident that the next chapter in life will commence.

Response by PO1 Michael Fullmer made May 6 at 2015 12:50 PM

PO1 Michael Fullmer — Wed, 06 May 2015 12:50:51 -0400

I too have been working as a USN civilian since leaving the service. All of my co-workers are also former Navy or Army.

Response by SrA Edward Vong made May 6 at 2015 1:03 PM

SrA Edward Vong — Wed, 06 May 2015 13:03:55 -0400

I transitioned well, but I came into the military late and had experiences in corporate America before enlisting. Just another change for me.

Response by SPC Donald Moore made May 6 at 2015 1:42 PM

SPC Donald Moore — Wed, 06 May 2015 13:42:20 -0400

I miss the camaraderie and working with a close team. There is really nothing like it (that I have found) as a civilian. I even worked as a police officer for a few years and didn't find the same level of connection there. Living and working with people day in and day out where you are all suffering the same hardships, it builds a something that I have not found elsewhere.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made May 6 at 2015 5:25 PM

MSG Brad Sand — Wed, 06 May 2015 17:25:04 -0400

After experiencing a death in my family...there is actually no comparison...none.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made May 6 at 2015 7:39 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Wed, 06 May 2015 19:39:51 -0400

Exactly how I felt, like a part of me had died.

Response by SGT Anthony Rossi made May 6 at 2015 7:53 PM

SGT Anthony Rossi — Wed, 06 May 2015 19:53:36 -0400

It's a real deal. That's what makes RP such a great thing. However, I found an even closer bond with the church within Christ.
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. -Proverbs 18:24

Here's the best part, Jesus will made a promise to never leave those that keep there eyes on him. He is our point man.

...and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen. -Matthew 28:20

Response by MSgt Brian Welch made May 6 at 2015 8:43 PM

MSgt Brian Welch — Wed, 06 May 2015 20:43:17 -0400

I had the opportunity to take a civil service job in my last unit. I couldn't do it. As much as I missed the military and the people I worked with I knew I could bare to watch them deploy, or any other sacrifice or hardship I'd be there to witness. Then I found the first 2 jobs I took in the civilian world were so far from measuring up to the military that I walked out on the positions. After a few years I settled down in my expectations.

Response by SrA Diego Alvarez made May 7 at 2015 3:34 PM

SrA Diego Alvarez — Thu, 07 May 2015 15:34:20 -0400

More like overcoming an addiction, you have the urge to relapse every so often.

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Jun 15 at 2015 6:42 PM

CDR Michael Goldschmidt — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 18:42:14 -0400

Yes, it's like our own death, but we're there to witness it. On second thought, maybe it's more like losing an identical twin.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 15 at 2015 6:46 PM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 18:46:20 -0400

it's not a death sentence. Come on now, that's a little drastic.

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 17 at 2015 10:02 AM

CW3 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 17 Jun 2015 10:02:24 -0400

IDK if it would be a like a death in the family to leave the military, but is scares the hell outa me. No way. I'm going until the wheels fall off. Then I might retire.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jun 17 at 2015 2:27 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Wed, 17 Jun 2015 14:27:10 -0400

It was freedom and having the gratitude I crossed the 20 year finish line to pursue other endeavors in my life.

Response by CPL Norma Brown made Jun 17 at 2015 3:22 PM

CPL Norma Brown — Wed, 17 Jun 2015 15:22:31 -0400

Yes, because it's a loss of a lifestyle. A community, a bond. Veteran status isn't the same, and being a full civilian is even more difficult. I see it a lot at work, as I help Soldiers transition out....