Is it hard for anyone else when coming home for good?

2018-12-23T00:21:05-05:00

Is it safe to upload a copy of you’re DD214 copy one on this website to verify you’re military affiliation? Also is anyone else having trouble making friends? I got home on Dec 6th, since then other then contact with my family I have zero contact with anyone other then hi, how are you passing by people in my small town. I don’t want to sound like I am weak for asking this. It is just starting to get to me a little, eating alone and or going to get coffee after a morning run and just sitting at the table people watching. Does anyone else have this issue and then feel different or broken?

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 23 at 2018 1:51 AM

2018-12-23T01:51:16-05:00

SPC Tyler Bryant Tyler, I verified my account with no problems. Contact [login to see] with questions you have about verifying your account.

When you joined the military, I am sure that was a culture shock and included an adjustment period. Now that you have left the military, you will also have an adjustment period. Have a plan and set goals. Stay busy and you will have less time to dwell on the negative.

When I was discharged, I started work and school which kept me busy. What are your plans? Do you have a job lined up, are you starting college? If you have the time, do some volunteer work. Do not sit at the table watching people. Go interact with those people. Join organizations where you meet people.

You are different from those that have not served, but you are not broken, You are on RallyPoint, which has many veterans who have also experienced the difficulties of reentering the civilian world. Welcome to RallyPoint Tyler.

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Response by CPL James S. made Dec 23 at 2018 2:18 AM

2018-12-23T02:18:15-05:00

Well, I didn't upload my DD214, so I can't answer that, but I did upload my military ID and VA ID. I've not seen any problems with that. I had reservations about uploading too much information but that is mostly a security issue for me and not everyone is the same.

I moved to a very remote area when I discharged. I didn't really have a "home", per say, being a Military brat raised mostly overseas during the cold war. I can't say that isolation bothers me, either.

You can use the internet as a means to assuage the social isolation, but if you want to achieve more social situations then you will have to put yourself out there. There will be an adjustment period that you need to mesh with civilian society as it's different than the military.

One thing that I highly recommend is visiting your local VA office (start here: https://www.va.gov/directory/guide/home.asp ). Talk to them about everything that you can think of, from Veteran loans and education to counselling and evaluations. You may already have programs in your area that service returning military and you may get help with your reintegration into society.

Whatever you do, just make sure you talk to the local area VA representatives and find out what is available out there for returning soldiers.

Make a list of the things you would like to do, your goals, your training and what you expect to see in the next month, 6 months, 1 year and 5 years so that you have a plan to progress forward instead of stagnating. If you like to learn, here is a link to a free college education (without credit, mind you): https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/find-by-topic/

home.asp

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 23 at 2018 2:19 AM

2018-12-23T02:19:47-05:00

Getting out can be hard but, keep yourself busy and before you know it life happens. Just don’t turn down opportunity and try to enjoy your freedom.

Response by Maj John Bell made Dec 23 at 2018 2:57 AM

2018-12-23T02:57:29-05:00

You are different, but not broken. Without knowing anything about your time in service, whether you deployed or not, I know that you have been places, seen and done things; and been exposed to concepts that are not common among those who have not served. That is a good thing. It doesn't make you better or worse than civilians, but it gives you a more worldly perspective. Even your high school buddies will find it difficult to relate. I found it hard to relate to them because what they thought was super important, nobody would remember in three months.

Now here's some advice. Relationships, good ones, are built around common activities. Do stuff, good stuff.
-Serve your community. In small towns I personally recommend the volunteer fire and rescue department. Most of them will put you in probationary status and after six months or a year, they will pay for you to go to school to get your certification. You'll make friends every bit as close as you did in service, and the community will really appreciate what you do. People will seek you out and want to get to know you.
-Play sports. Go to the park and watch. Sooner or later someone' going to need an extra guy. If you are any good at sports, go to the local public school and see if the coach is looking for volunteers to help coach. DO NOT volunteer to be a ref/ump until you are well established in the community. Small town grudges may never go away if people don't know you.
-If you see someone who needs a hand, lend it... without any expectation of reward. My best buddy is a guy who I met because his elderly mother couldn't reach groceries on the top shelf. I helped.
-I met another friend because a wind storm knocked down trees all around town. I grabbed my chainsaw and firewood kit, then went door to door helping to clean up the windfalls.
-Don't make your friends in places or situations that aren't bad by themselves, but can easily lead to bad places/habits. Stay away from bars, until you are going their with new friends. Drinking alone when you think you feel different or broken is never a good thing.
-Go fishing. Sooner or later you'll run into the same guys often enough that you start talking to each other.
-Get a pet, and take the pet for walks. Everyone worth knowing likes dogs. If they don't, that tells you something.

You got out during the holidays, people tend to be family centric, give it a few months. I don't know where you live but in northern Michigan, where I am, people aren't outside much. Once it warms up just be outside doing stuff.

Response by SSgt Shane Aydelott made Dec 23 at 2018 5:49 AM

2018-12-23T05:49:21-05:00

It will take a while to make friends after getting out. Unless you find that civilians just won't understand you. It's like going to a different country. I would recommend finding your local American Legion or VFW and making a friend or two there, then broaden your horizons. Transitioning back to civilian life is not easy.

Response by SGT Matthew S. made Dec 23 at 2018 10:10 PM

2018-12-23T22:10:39-05:00

SPC Tyler Bryant - Different? Yes; you've experienced a way of life that few people on the outside can even comprehend - but broken? Most likely not at all.

Transition takes time. I started college about six months after I got out, and I felt completely detached from most of my fellow students. I couldn't relate to most of them, and considered many to be little more than adult-sized children. There were a few more level-headed guys I got to know and became good friends with, but it took time. You might see if your school has a Veteran's assistance group/department/etc - likely to find some people there you can relate to a little easier.

I also suggest looking in to serving your community. I was on a volunteer fire department for a number of years; in addition to usually being good groups of people with a sense of purpose that you typically don't see outside the military, they often have a surprisingly large number of veterans compared to the general population.

Response by SFC Ralph E Kelley made Dec 23 at 2018 10:37 PM

2018-12-23T22:37:31-05:00

Ok - I 've seen this before. My solution was to go into McD's and go up to the local crowd. Most of the group will be from 45 to 75 years old. Don't be shy and just ask if you can sit down with your coffee. Sit near the older ones but kinda in the middle were you can hear most of them. Sip your coffee and answer their questions when they ask. Don't tell'm about hte war or anything like that - not the first couple of times anyway - but do let them know a little about yourself. Ask them questions about themselves. You know questions like, "Y'all live around here.", Things doing okay with you."
Of course introduce yourself too. Take your time and slowly open up and get to know them as they get to know you.
It took me about 3 or 4 months doing that a couple times a week. A lot of them have had service time and understand. They got me into an EMS service (Yellow Ambulance) that trained EMT's in Louisville KY. That helped me meet my need to work in a field that was both necessary and gave me pride of accomplishment.
The main thing is to take the first step into a group that is laid back.
Oh yeah - yes this group is safe to photocopy a DD214 to the admins.
Good luck Buddy - We're here for ya.

Response by CPT J B made Dec 24 at 2018 10:07 AM

2018-12-24T10:07:44-05:00

Yes. But the military is different. Making friends in the military is far easier than making friends anywhere else. A year or two in the civilian world and you'll probably find that you just don't find the same level of camaraderie as in the service. It doesn't help that people today simply don't understand the military. We're in an era now for the first time in a century where all of the men of a certain age can't all be assumed to be veterans. Those days are gone. People on the outside are so removed and know so little about it that they don't even know what to ask. My advice is to start with your civilian job and try to make friends there. Keep the military stuff in the attic and just think of it as something you did. You can take all of the best that the military taught you and make that a part of your personality. I just wouldn't let the military define you as a civilian or it'll drive you crazy.