If your teenager decided not to go to school, "just because" how would you respond?

SPC Nicholas Cureton — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 12:03:13 -0500

I know everyone parents differently, but I find myself parenting a different way after the military. Just curious how others would react since serving.

Response by SGT Jim Z. made Mar 3 at 2015 12:35 PM

SGT Jim Z. — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 12:35:51 -0500

We would have a discussion mainly one sided but I would give him an opportunity to speak explaining his actions.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 3 at 2015 12:37 PM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 12:37:32 -0500

Sadly, I already do this and mine is not even a teenager yet. I would home school if I had the option. The issue I run into is that she is not being challenged by the school and finds it boring. Advancing her up to a higher grade is not a good idea either because she is not socially ready for that. Oh the woes of being parents. lol

Response by CPT Zachary Brooks made Mar 3 at 2015 12:58 PM

CPT Zachary Brooks — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 12:58:05 -0500

Well I was bullied a good deal in school and wanted to be home schooled or transferred or something, I hated going. I would be inclined to believe that there was something deeper.

Sadly with the state of our schools these days I would likely encourage my child to leave of their own accord if they felt they were not learning anything except how to pass a standardized test or were being bullied and nothing was being done. The schools of today are not great and I would be open to hearing the opinions of my teenager.

Response by LCpl Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 3 at 2015 12:58 PM

LCpl Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 12:58:44 -0500

It's never "just because". It's time to have a talk with the teen, perhaps over a meal out or something and get the skinny on what's really going on. Doesn't mean they get to get out of school that day though. Get to getting.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Mar 3 at 2015 12:59 PM

CPT Jack Durish — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 12:59:06 -0500

Sounds like a teaching opportunity to me...

Time to discuss what is going on and help the child reach the "proper" decision.

Of course, this option requires a lot of groundwork. Open lines of communication and trust build over the years. Practice making small decisions before tackling the bigger ones.

After all, parenting doesn't just happen at a single point in time or at the occurrence of one crisis. It's a continuing effort...

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 3 at 2015 1:01 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 13:01:31 -0500

I have gone through 3 boys, only my youngest one is left at 17yrs old and well they were raised regardless too bad so sad you are going... Part of life's lessons is we have to do things whether we like it or not, no excuses get up and do what has to be done... It is preparing them for the responsibilities of being an adult and having a job or having children, paying bills etc... It has to be done so get up and get it done... The only legitimate excuse is you are sick otherwise suck it up... Bullying, we can discuss and we will deal with but you are going because you have to just like you have to go to work to be a productive member of society, you have to pay your bills and support your children... It teaches responsibility for yourself... Our boys were told they have 3 choices when they graduate high school... Go to college, get a job, or join the military... That is it.. There was no break or well I am trying to find myself BS... Maybe we were harsh by today's standards but my 2 oldest are productive members.. My oldest is in the Marines and my middle one has a full time job, paying his own bills and plans on joining the Marines this summer because he wanted to get all his bills paid off before he went so no one one would be burdened with them while he was gone... He has a car payment so he wants to pay off his car first... My youngest is a junior and already has plans to join... We did not endorse the military mind you, we taught our children to make up their own minds and that we would endorse and stand behind them whatever their choice regardless... They just had to do something.... Living with mom and dad was not an option if not working or going to school...

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Mar 3 at 2015 1:02 PM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 13:02:49 -0500

There is no "just because" there is always an underlying cause. Try to find out what the underlying cause if. If he's unwilling to share that... well. Alternate forms of motivation work.

I'm a firm believer in giving people choices. Sometimes one choice will be so horribly bad or nasty that the other choice just makes perfect sense.

Like "Alright guys, rumors are going around that the portajohns need to be scrubbed, and sanitized. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to go on a motorun first thing tomorrow morning so we aren't anywhere near the CC when 1stSgt comes looking for Voluntolds. Would anyone like to join me?"

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Mar 3 at 2015 1:09 PM

Cpl Jeff N. — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 13:09:01 -0500

They don't get to choose whether they go to school or not. If they are having issues, they need to deal with them head on, not try to dodge them or avoid them. If they are being bullied the only approporiate response is to defend yourself and I will deal with the school authorities on it.

Life is tough, things are not always fair, those are truisms. I want them to learn early how to deal with those situations, not run from them. Is that a Drill Instructor, I don't think so, it is a realistic way to deal with adversity, stare it in the eye and take it on.

Response by Cpl David Baran made Mar 3 at 2015 1:14 PM

Cpl David Baran — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 13:14:05 -0500

Tell them to get their ass to school.

The parent is in charge, not the child. They do not set the rules. "Just because" is not a valid reason.

If they don't want there may be some other issue going on. Talk to your kids, hear whats going on in their life. If you establish communication with them on a daily basis, you are more likey to find out about potential issues they are having and will be more in-tune with them and see when something isn't right.

Response by 1LT Nick Kidwell made Mar 3 at 2015 1:27 PM

1LT Nick Kidwell — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 13:27:07 -0500

I picked the "best" answer for me based on the choices, but it is not the BEST answer for my family. I chose "'Motivate' them out the door by becoming a Drill Sergeant." However, this does not match reality for my family.

Now, stepping back into the real world and what goes on with MY kids, this just doesn't happen. Knowing my kids, the desire to stay home without explanation or obvious reason is indicative of some kind of underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

My daughter is 16 and has never wanted to stay home unless she was actually sick and needed the rest. My son is 14 and the ONLY time he has EVER asked to stay home "just because" was when his 6th grade teacher (yes, TEACHER) was actively bullying him and other kids, which we were only able to uncover after some lengthy discussion.

So to read between the lines here, I think if your own child is doing this, there may be more to the story than simply not wanting to go to school. Talk to your kid and find out if there's something bad happening.

Response by SPC David Shaffer made Mar 3 at 2015 1:29 PM

SPC David Shaffer — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 13:29:55 -0500

Usually there are reasons for such a response and choice. I have made it very clear to all of my children that school is not an option. I expect A's from my kids and they always come through with superior Honor Roll. I have been very fortunate so far. After I have heard them out, I then turn Drill Sergeant and push them out the door! ;)

Response by MAJ Terry LaFrance made Mar 3 at 2015 1:33 PM

MAJ Terry LaFrance — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 13:33:07 -0500

As tempting as it is to go into DS mode, you need to have a conversation about what's behind this. Bullying? Schoolwork issues? Or if they are just shamming (back in to DS mode then).

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 3 at 2015 2:26 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 14:26:02 -0500

There is no black or white answer, every kid is diffrent and you need to know your kid and thier personnality. My son after 1.5 years at UF came home for Christmas and let us know he was no longer a student at UF. Prior to that i was letting him make his own decisions hopeing he would chose wisely, thinking he's grown now. After letting him know he just made a mistake he will regret the rest of his life i switched to Directive councling. He graduates with a BS in May and has a ful time job. PHEW! good luck.

Response by SFC William "Bill" Moore made Mar 3 at 2015 2:45 PM

SFC William "Bill" Moore — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 14:45:05 -0500

I have always hated the "You'll do what I say, because I'm the Dad/Mom" mentality. So I would not accept the "just because" answer. I laid the ground work for that very early in my Son's life, when he wanted to do something or have something and I said no, I always gave him a valid reason. Even if it was that "he was bugging the crap out of me", which was rare, I always gave him a reason. This was reciprocated when dealing with issues he was facing. I always received a valid, at least in his mind, reason. I agree with a lot of the other posts, there is probably some valid, in their eyes, reason. That is where I would start. If it is the school itself, well, all I can say, every one of my Son's schools he attended viewed my visits with trepidation, I would either agree with them, bad for Son, or I would not, very bad for school.

Response by SPC Grace Belen made Mar 3 at 2015 3:11 PM

SPC Grace Belen — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 15:11:19 -0500

I was a well-behaved kid in HS, so the few times I told my parents that I just didn't want to go to school (Lazy days), they were okay with it. I guess it depends on your kid's disposition.

Response by SFC Christopher Perry made Mar 3 at 2015 4:45 PM

SFC Christopher Perry — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 16:45:19 -0500

That wold not have gone well for my kids when they were still in my home. But then I am old school (well okay I am just old period). I listened to my family rant for years about how I was just too darn strict. Now that my kids are productive members of society they admit that I must have done something right. I feel Armericans have gotten a bit soft. Especially when it comes to parenting. Call me crazy but I think we would have a few less problems if we would go back to the way things were done in my grandparent's time, trust me when I say trust me when I say my mother and her siblings did not step out of line in that household!

Response by LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow made Mar 3 at 2015 8:04 PM

LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 20:04:50 -0500

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

We had this happen with both my step-children. It's a long story, don't ask.

In the end, it requires pre-emptive action, quite frankly. In many locales, parents get fined if the children don't attend school.

You can't force them to do something they don't want to do; especially these days, when any discipline results in threats of calling Family Services. So, when they make that threat - respond with "go ahead" and then explain your truancy to them, AND THE JUDGE...

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 3 at 2015 8:08 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 20:08:21 -0500

As Barney Fife said, SPC Nicholas Cureton, you gotta "nip it" in the bud!

Response by SSG Paul Lanciault made Mar 3 at 2015 8:26 PM

SSG Paul Lanciault — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 20:26:22 -0500

Its important to know why my kids would not want to go to school. They love school and if they did not want to go I would suspect a problem that may need to be addressed. They also may just be lazy that day and that would have to be handled as well, differently.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Mar 3 at 2015 8:35 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 20:35:10 -0500

I'm a combination of 1 & 4. Bottom line.......someone is getting to school that day. Either the child, or myself to research the problem if it warrants my attention (safety, harrassment, etc). Momma don't raise no dropouts! We's edumakated in this here household.

Response by GySgt Joe Strong made Mar 3 at 2015 8:59 PM

GySgt Joe Strong — Tue, 03 Mar 2015 20:59:19 -0500

There's this great place where the kid can live if they can't follow house rules. In our area it's called Boys & Girls town. Every so often i'd just drive by it so he knew where it was.
Make your choice kid, but be sure you can live with it.
I'm not encouraging or supporting failure, not happening.
Thankfully, mine is almost 21 & I'm past these issues.

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Mar 31 at 2015 6:35 AM

CPT Richard Riley — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 06:35:19 -0400

I tend to try and get to the root of the problem. Ultimately there is a 'reason' he or she is resistant to going & as a parent you have to discern what that reason is. Sometimes it is an easy fix, sometimes it takes a bunch of work. I've been down that road five times and I have two more to go.
Without telling you anything you don't already know, each kid is different. Knowing your kid well enough to read between the lines helps but is not an entire fix. As long as you've done a decent job of keeping the communication lines open - eventually this will get fixed.

Response by CPT Bruce Rodgers made Mar 31 at 2015 10:59 AM

CPT Bruce Rodgers — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 10:59:13 -0400

Sounds like time for a work party

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 31 at 2015 11:08 AM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:08:48 -0400

Time to get a job and start charging them rent and making them pay their own bills. Get them a job waving those signs and tell them that's as good as it get w/o a HS diploma. Then explain they can live free with you until they graduate school. They will make the right choice on their own.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 31 at 2015 11:53 AM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:53:07 -0400

Respond with..."So, you plan on flipping burgers or washing cars for the rest of your life?"

Response by SSG Robert Burns made Mar 31 at 2015 11:54 AM

SSG Robert Burns — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:54:07 -0400

This is a trick question. Teenagers don't get to decide that.

Response by SFC Charles S. made Mar 31 at 2015 5:22 PM

SFC Charles S. — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 17:22:48 -0400

This was a Tie between 1. and 4. I would become a Drill Sergeant and begin a Counseling session that included a Discussion about their apparent lapse of good decisions and their feelings about how this lapse would correct itself before the collapse of the known world of civilization including all digital devices and Internet access became cut of from said teenagers life style.
:) calmly but Firmly. with a SMILE at the end.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Mar 31 at 2015 9:45 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 21:45:11 -0400

Here's the recruiting office, just because...

Response by SGT Roberto Mendoza-Diaz made Jul 12 at 2015 7:42 AM

SGT Roberto Mendoza-Diaz — Sun, 12 Jul 2015 07:42:53 -0400

I'm not a parent however I used to be a child. Sit down with your children and inform them that from now on they are responsible for all the house chores. No school means all kinds of busy. Also tell them that they are going to be home schooled and for last (I'm sure they will change their minds after this one) confiscated their iPhones, iPads and all other type of entertainment (bye bye xbox or playstation) including the TV. Sorry for the humor but this is serious business.

Response by PVT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2015 1:59 PM

PVT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 19 Jul 2015 13:59:17 -0400

I guess ill find out eventually.

Response by LCpl Mark Lefler made Jul 22 at 2015 11:21 AM

LCpl Mark Lefler — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 11:21:29 -0400

My children will be going to school everyday unless there is something really terrible going on at school for them that would need attention to be solved.

Response by SrA Edward Vong made Jul 22 at 2015 11:38 AM

SrA Edward Vong — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 11:38:34 -0400

Everything has a root cause. It needs to be determined why they do not want to go to school.

Response by PO1 Shahida Marmol made Jul 22 at 2015 12:17 PM

PO1 Shahida Marmol — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 12:17:48 -0400

I'd take off of work to "escort" them to each of their classes. Then at home I'd take all of their little luxuries away

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 5 at 2015 7:43 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 07:43:08 -0400

I don't know, this is a tricky one. Times are different these days. If one of my kids didn't want to go to school because of an issue with a bully or a teacher then I would go to that school and talk to who I need to talk too. If they didn't want to go because they need to take a day to themselves becuase they are good students and work and study hard then I can understand that. I was so stressed out one day at work and it seemed like stuff was just piling on me. My supervisor gave me half a day off to take some time for myself. Now if they just want to sham then ummm no child that is under the age of 18 gets to skip just because. Either way, a child doesn't decide anything. They ask and we discuss.

Response by SSgt Alex Robinson made Aug 5 at 2015 7:54 AM

SSgt Alex Robinson — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 07:54:28 -0400

There would be no discussion. Unless your dead your in school. It's like work. You don't have to like it you just have to do it!

Response by SN Victoria Glover made Aug 5 at 2015 8:09 AM

SN Victoria Glover — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 08:09:10 -0400

My son skipped class one day and found a new meaning to whooping. I believe in getting the proper education. He did not skip anymore. My brother does his differently. My niece was allowed to drop out. I wasn't happy about it. My brothers a vet too. Two totally different views. I tell all kids finish your schooling. I was never givin the option of quitting.

Response by SFC Stephen King made Aug 5 at 2015 8:22 AM

SFC Stephen King — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 08:22:23 -0400

I have had this situation in my life for the past 4 years. My Son absolutely hated school and it was easy for me to yell at him and be aggressive. However he doesn't respond to threats or aggressive behavior. I found the best way to get him motivated was to list him a positive outcome or something he wanted like sports etc.. then I ezpressed.my concern and asked him for his point of view restated the issue. This method paid off and he is going to college in a week. Lastly, remember we have a tendency to revert to the military way and your teenager is not in the military. Be Dad.

Response by SGT Kristin Wiley made Aug 5 at 2015 11:48 AM

SGT Kristin Wiley — Wed, 05 Aug 2015 11:48:05 -0400

There's a reason they don't want to go, I would get to the bottom of it.