Posted on Jul 14, 2016
I have a coworker with direct knowledge of a Military spouse cheating on her husband. What action, if any, should he take?
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Responses: 63
GO to the Chaplain....The Chaplain can guide. Telling the Spouse, while emotionally satisfying, can cause that spouse to maybe commit an act of vengeance that can ruin all kind of lives especially if there are kids involved.
IF the Other Party is military, the Chaplain can notify the Chain and a No Contact can be issued and an investigation conducted.
IF the Other Party is military, the Chaplain can notify the Chain and a No Contact can be issued and an investigation conducted.
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MAJ (Join to see)
While there certainly seems to be an attempt to keep Chaplains relevant, I'm not sure how they are a pertinent choice when it comes down to a case of tattle-taleling on "marital infidelity". Like most of us, I don't find the idea of cheating (married or not) is a very nice thing to do. (Assuming that the interpersonal expectation between the two parties is, in fact, monogamy)...but I wouldn't play tattle tale unless it was posing a clear and present harm in some way. I certainly wouldn't involve clergy of a various religious sect as some type of counselor figure. Chaplains exist to provide faith based religious services to service members who wish to participate in faith based worship, not act as a LCSW or marriage counselor.
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SSG Roger Ayscue
MAJ (Join to see) - I suggested the Chaplain for several reasons, not the least of which is this: It is GOING to come out. IF it is a fellow service member that is breaking the rules, written and unwritten, by having an affair with the spouse of another Soldier in the same unit, then the Chaplain can perhaps keep the cheated upon spouse from killing someone. The Chaplain is a non-threatening asset that the Command has to explore, and try to defuse the situation. Like it or not, as a leader, it is NOT being a "Tattle Tail" it is taking care of your Soldiers! It is NOT in the best interest of the Soldier, The Unit or the Family, to let it go. Kids could end up dead, offending spouse and paramour could end up dead and so could the Soldier. The Chaplain can open doors for counseling, in and out patient mental health care, and can just maybe help save that marriage. Chaplains exist for more than you think Sir, Chaplains can be a force multiplier.
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LTC (Join to see)
While chaplains can (and do) provide religious services for the command, one of the most important jobs the chaplain has in the command is keeping his/her finger on the pulse of morale in a unit. In addition, the chaplain provides a necessary link to counseling services that a soldier (no matter their religious tradition or lack thereof) may need. Chaplains are trained specifically for this role, and are bound to set aside any religious differences with the soldier when providing/referring the required mental health or counseling services. As many of us can attest, a known case of infidelity within a command can be a real morale killer which can lead to far more serious problems, as stated in earlier posts. None better than the chaplain to deal with these kinds of issues. Don't get wrapped up in the man or woman's title. If it helps, just call them counselor.
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Susan Foster
I believe if either one was a close friend I would tell the cheating spouse they had 2 choices: they could stop it, or they could go tell their spouse and offer to get counseling. If they did neither of these, I would go to the Chaplain, and it would come out anyway. I have been close with situations like this, and I don't believe it's good to tell the cheated-on spouse. They either would not believe you and you would lose the friendship, or you trigger a series of events you did not intend.
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Are you friend of the coworker or the one being cheated on? Is the troop deployed/deploying?
So my wife found out that my best friend's spouse was cheating on him while we were deployed. After a week of keeping it bottled up I told him he needed to check up on her as she has been acting funny as of late. He asked me to be direct and I said that we believe she was cheating on him but wasn't in the bedroom watching it ourselves. I asked him to be calm about it in case we were wrong.
In the end, she confessed, he went home early and attempted to work it out. They divorced a few years later but he thanked me since had it gone on any longer, the house would have been cleaned out had he redeployed at the end of the tour instead of part way.
I would have kept it to myself as unsubstantiated rumor but when I found out the dude was driving my buddy's car, that was the last straw.
So my wife found out that my best friend's spouse was cheating on him while we were deployed. After a week of keeping it bottled up I told him he needed to check up on her as she has been acting funny as of late. He asked me to be direct and I said that we believe she was cheating on him but wasn't in the bedroom watching it ourselves. I asked him to be calm about it in case we were wrong.
In the end, she confessed, he went home early and attempted to work it out. They divorced a few years later but he thanked me since had it gone on any longer, the house would have been cleaned out had he redeployed at the end of the tour instead of part way.
I would have kept it to myself as unsubstantiated rumor but when I found out the dude was driving my buddy's car, that was the last straw.
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SGT Jerrold Pesz
Just be real sure that you are right before you decide to accuse someone. I sometimes drove my best friend's car while he was in Vietnam and even took his then fiance to a couple of events (at his request) and we had nothing going on. However I am sure that it looked suspicious to some people.
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I think he should tell his battle. If he is a real battle buddy...tell him. I had this happen to a soldier one time. That soldier killed himself. I later found out that other soldiers knew. I asked them why they did not say something....they stated that it was none of their business. They didn't even care. This is not looking out for your battle. It is hard to tell but it needs to be told from someone. tell Top and let him decide...but do something.
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SSG (Join to see)
If it's your battle or even a friend, that's one thing... if it's just an acquaintance, it's probably best to stay out of it. People are strange, and sometimes they have strange arrangements.
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To be clear, Me and my co-worker are both Veterans. The spouse is civilian. We are concerned about the husbands morale and mission readiness. It would be a very bad situation if he is in the sand box when he finds out.
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PO3 Donald Murphy
CPT Carrie P. - True point, but if its "an open marriage" then people tend to not sneak around and hide it. I know several "open" couples and they make little to no effort to hide their activities even to the point of when the kids are around.
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MSG (Join to see)
funny you mention it, had a situation i was acting fsg upon retrurnining from irwin, had'nt even got out of my uniform yet because i was at daughters soccer match, when i get a call from active duty mps, drum, one of my spc's is locked up, domestic, he surprised her when he got home, he rc, she ad, her bf was there and the shit hit the fan it was not a good time when i got there to release him into my custody and take him off post
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SFC (Join to see)
I say tell him if you know for a fact his spouse is cheating on him. If she's acting hinky, still tell him. Tell him to check up on her. I'd want to know, if it were me. Let him decide for himself if he wants to do anything about it. Ultimately, it's not your business, but if you observed something in her behavior or whatever that isn't conducive to a faithful marriage, it might be worse to keep it from your friend.
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MAJ (Join to see)
Currently, the information you have is rumor. If you believe for whatever reason any active duty service member's mission readiness is compromised, have a word with the chain of command. However, as a military psychologist here are my observations: if his spouse is cheating, he is likely already feeling woes in his marriage (people in great marriages don't cheat). Secondly, I've counseled people whose marriages were a disaster and they were some of the most mission ready folks I had while others were a walking basket case. The concerns you take to command need to be rooted in observed data ( he's coming in late, he appears to have not slept in days, he's falling apart repeatedly at work). No one can predict how he will react to the knowledge of the wife's infidelity. We can only take action on observed behaviors. (That should not be interpreted as not offering support).
Best of luck in your decision.
Best of luck in your decision.
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I say do nothing. After all, one our own Commander-In-Chief's did it, was caught in a lie about it, and still nothing happened to him.
I don't agree with what is going on, but at the very most, speak to the individual doing the cheating to tell them what they have observed.
I don't agree with what is going on, but at the very most, speak to the individual doing the cheating to tell them what they have observed.
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Delicate situation. Silence and confrontation both have their pros and cons. For me, personally, I would have your coworker confront the spouse whom he thinks is cheating. Depending on what evidence he has, it may be an honest mistake or he may just be uncovering the beginnings of an affair that the couple could work through. Regardless, I'd argue that calmly telling the allegedly cheating spouse what he witnessed or heard could open a dialogue that would help clarify the situation.
If it turns out to be true, convincing the adulterous party to come clean to their spouse on their own often has the best results. If they don't want to come clean, then I'd consult with your chaplain, like SSG Ayscue mentioned. It's a tough spot to be in, for sure, but the chaplain would be able to help you; either directly, or by getting you in touch with people who can advise you more effectively than some random Specialist on the Internet. :P
Hope it all goes well for you, your coworker, and his friend. Let us know how it all goes down, if you can--I'm sure this isn't an uncommon situation, and everyone can probably benefit from your experience in this.
If it turns out to be true, convincing the adulterous party to come clean to their spouse on their own often has the best results. If they don't want to come clean, then I'd consult with your chaplain, like SSG Ayscue mentioned. It's a tough spot to be in, for sure, but the chaplain would be able to help you; either directly, or by getting you in touch with people who can advise you more effectively than some random Specialist on the Internet. :P
Hope it all goes well for you, your coworker, and his friend. Let us know how it all goes down, if you can--I'm sure this isn't an uncommon situation, and everyone can probably benefit from your experience in this.
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Wow, quite a slippery slope... As a divorced former Marine I can tell you that I would want to know. With that said I would also expect my confidant to sit me down with the following advice:
1. Make an appointment with a counselor or a chaplain (preferably both) right then in front of you. This is going to suck so you will need to talk to someone.
2. Research your state rules - THIS IS IMPORTANT! Each state is different regarding the division of property in divorce (which some consider your retirement). Additionally, some are more progressive with regards to who gets the children. As a dad who has physical and legal custody believe me when I tell you this! Many of us are stationed in a different state than our residence, keep that in mind. Also, how difficult will it be for her to attend court if it is in a different state? She may be forced to make concessions.
3. Do not say a thing until you have evidence. Hire a PI, the cost will be minute in relation to what alimony will cost.
4. File FIRST and in the state that BEST supports your position. If you reconcile - great...you can always pull the paperwork.
5. Immediately upon filing cancel/suspend ALL her accounts.
6. Don't pussyfoot around being nice. Establish your objectives and stand by them. Give nothing away, once a lawyer smells weakness they will exploit it. "No" can be used as a sentence. Use it often.
The big thing to keep in perspective here is to be certain what you want. I have seen women destroy my friends financial futures, and they were sad and pathetic like there was nothing they could do. If you want to save it...great. My advice is there are others out there and fortunately I recognized that and found someone much better!
1. Make an appointment with a counselor or a chaplain (preferably both) right then in front of you. This is going to suck so you will need to talk to someone.
2. Research your state rules - THIS IS IMPORTANT! Each state is different regarding the division of property in divorce (which some consider your retirement). Additionally, some are more progressive with regards to who gets the children. As a dad who has physical and legal custody believe me when I tell you this! Many of us are stationed in a different state than our residence, keep that in mind. Also, how difficult will it be for her to attend court if it is in a different state? She may be forced to make concessions.
3. Do not say a thing until you have evidence. Hire a PI, the cost will be minute in relation to what alimony will cost.
4. File FIRST and in the state that BEST supports your position. If you reconcile - great...you can always pull the paperwork.
5. Immediately upon filing cancel/suspend ALL her accounts.
6. Don't pussyfoot around being nice. Establish your objectives and stand by them. Give nothing away, once a lawyer smells weakness they will exploit it. "No" can be used as a sentence. Use it often.
The big thing to keep in perspective here is to be certain what you want. I have seen women destroy my friends financial futures, and they were sad and pathetic like there was nothing they could do. If you want to save it...great. My advice is there are others out there and fortunately I recognized that and found someone much better!
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