I have a coworker with direct knowledge of a Military spouse cheating on her husband. What action, if any, should he take?

2016-07-14T00:28:28-04:00

Response by SSG Roger Ayscue made Jul 14 at 2016 12:36 AM

2016-07-14T00:36:50-04:00

GO to the Chaplain....The Chaplain can guide. Telling the Spouse, while emotionally satisfying, can cause that spouse to maybe commit an act of vengeance that can ruin all kind of lives especially if there are kids involved.
IF the Other Party is military, the Chaplain can notify the Chain and a No Contact can be issued and an investigation conducted.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 14 at 2016 1:03 AM

2016-07-14T01:03:46-04:00

Delicate situation. Silence and confrontation both have their pros and cons. For me, personally, I would have your coworker confront the spouse whom he thinks is cheating. Depending on what evidence he has, it may be an honest mistake or he may just be uncovering the beginnings of an affair that the couple could work through. Regardless, I'd argue that calmly telling the allegedly cheating spouse what he witnessed or heard could open a dialogue that would help clarify the situation.

If it turns out to be true, convincing the adulterous party to come clean to their spouse on their own often has the best results. If they don't want to come clean, then I'd consult with your chaplain, like SSG Ayscue mentioned. It's a tough spot to be in, for sure, but the chaplain would be able to help you; either directly, or by getting you in touch with people who can advise you more effectively than some random Specialist on the Internet. :P

Hope it all goes well for you, your coworker, and his friend. Let us know how it all goes down, if you can--I'm sure this isn't an uncommon situation, and everyone can probably benefit from your experience in this.

Response by SGT Steve Oakes made Jul 14 at 2016 1:50 AM

2016-07-14T01:50:45-04:00

To be clear, Me and my co-worker are both Veterans. The spouse is civilian. We are concerned about the husbands morale and mission readiness. It would be a very bad situation if he is in the sand box when he finds out.

Response by MSgt Michael Smith made Jul 14 at 2016 8:30 AM

2016-07-14T08:30:08-04:00

Who is in the military? The cheater or the spouse? If the cheater is a civilian, there is really nothing at all that you can accomplish with this. If the cheater is in the military, there still is pretty much nothing short of a reprimand that can be done. My advice is to look at the situation, and if it is affecting your unit's mission or morale, then address it at the lowest level possible --assuming you are the supervisor. If you are just a peer, and it is your coworker, you have a judgement call to make. Do you tell the betrayed spouse? It isn't really any of your business unless it is effecting your mission. A lot of this is situational, and there isn't enough information here to make any kind of suggestion. But be wary of getting into other peoples' private matters, it can really backfire on you.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 14 at 2016 9:35 AM

2016-07-14T09:35:28-04:00

Are you friend of the coworker or the one being cheated on? Is the troop deployed/deploying?

So my wife found out that my best friend's spouse was cheating on him while we were deployed. After a week of keeping it bottled up I told him he needed to check up on her as she has been acting funny as of late. He asked me to be direct and I said that we believe she was cheating on him but wasn't in the bedroom watching it ourselves. I asked him to be calm about it in case we were wrong.
In the end, she confessed, he went home early and attempted to work it out. They divorced a few years later but he thanked me since had it gone on any longer, the house would have been cleaned out had he redeployed at the end of the tour instead of part way.

I would have kept it to myself as unsubstantiated rumor but when I found out the dude was driving my buddy's car, that was the last straw.

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 14 at 2016 12:59 PM

2016-07-14T12:59:15-04:00

Report it to his first sergeant

Response by SSG Daniel Deiler made Jul 14 at 2016 1:08 PM

2016-07-14T13:08:27-04:00

I say do nothing. After all, one our own Commander-In-Chief's did it, was caught in a lie about it, and still nothing happened to him.

I don't agree with what is going on, but at the very most, speak to the individual doing the cheating to tell them what they have observed.

Response by SSG Stephan Pendarvis made Jul 14 at 2016 1:30 PM

2016-07-14T13:30:01-04:00

I think he should tell his battle. If he is a real battle buddy...tell him. I had this happen to a soldier one time. That soldier killed himself. I later found out that other soldiers knew. I asked them why they did not say something....they stated that it was none of their business. They didn't even care. This is not looking out for your battle. It is hard to tell but it needs to be told from someone. tell Top and let him decide...but do something.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 14 at 2016 2:38 PM

2016-07-14T14:38:47-04:00

I can only respond if I was in their shoes. If the spouse was my spouse, I would ask her up forward. If she denies (and the direct knowledge is verified), then I would probe her with questions about it. They can try and speak with a Chaplain, or engage in some type of assistance to help with anything that is not going well in their relationship.

If the co-worker is just a friend of the spouse, then I would just say "Hey, you know what you are doing is not right, right?" and then go from there.

If the SM is aware of the spouse engaging in extra-marital actions, then it's not my place to say anything. It maybe wrong, but it's not my relationship and I don't know their business.

But like I said, I can only respond if I was the person in their shoes. They may handle things differently than I would.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 14 at 2016 3:12 PM

2016-07-14T15:12:08-04:00

Make the b**** famous.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 14 at 2016 4:33 PM

2016-07-14T16:33:39-04:00

They should be told, no matters what the circumstances because you would want to know if the ball was in the other hand.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 14 at 2016 5:44 PM

2016-07-14T17:44:52-04:00

Have the coworker mind their business. The coworker is not the morality police. Maybe the husband is a non loving pos

Response by SSG Mark Franzen made Jul 14 at 2016 6:41 PM

2016-07-14T18:41:34-04:00

I would contact the Unit and the command and them Handle it with The SM. I would like
to Say It happened to me while I WAS IN THE BASIC TECHNIAL COURSE BUT I HAD ORDERS TO GO TO GERMANY AND SHE TOLD THE DAY BEFORE MY DEPARTURE TO LEAVE FOR GERMANY. I LATER FOUND OUT IT WAS MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR.

Response by LCpl Nicholas Hines made Jul 15 at 2016 7:32 AM

2016-07-15T07:32:02-04:00

I would tell you to get a shovel but watching them suffer would be better, start looking up numbers for chains of command. Burn em

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 15 at 2016 8:46 AM

2016-07-15T08:46:06-04:00

Call her out publicly. Like at an FRG event. Whore

Response by SSG Jimmie Baker made Jul 15 at 2016 9:50 AM

2016-07-15T09:50:03-04:00

Honestly I would not get involved unless asked to. Just better that way.

Response by 1SG Robert Rush made Jul 15 at 2016 10:07 AM

2016-07-15T10:07:52-04:00

You need to confront you wife, let her tell you side, then you decide if you want to save your marriage or start looking for another wife. Remember that everyone can make a mistake.

Response by SSG Wendell Morsell made Jul 15 at 2016 10:58 AM

2016-07-15T10:58:21-04:00

Present his evidence to the chain of command, and they support the soldier. I served during a time when the support wasn't there. I remember soldiers going thru this and the chain of command making statements like"The Army didn't provide you a wife", and when you tried to fix the problem yourself they (Army)had no understanding.theyre way of dealing with the problem was to remove the soldier from the home which doesn't really address the soldiers mental needs

Response by Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 15 at 2016 12:39 PM

2016-07-15T12:39:32-04:00

This post also speaks to cheating in the military, in general. IMO, a military spouse agrees to the same ROE as her/his spouse, so I'm not sure why oaths sworn to an individual seem to fall apart under the duress of distance, loneliness or opportunity. And I REALLY don't understand women who look for (supposedly) committed "fiance/husband/spouses" as targets to see if they can mess up another relationship for s*ts and giggles. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who indicates that there is a companion/finance/etc. somewhere, is off limits. No exceptions.

Response by LTC John Mohor made Jul 17 at 2016 1:13 AM

2016-07-17T01:13:43-04:00

You didn't say wether your friend was military or not so if the Chaplain idea didn't work an anonymous call to the IG could be available if the phone number was available to your friend. Unless he or she is directly involved letting someone that's supposed to check a serious an accusation as this to look into it.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 17 at 2016 10:57 AM

2016-07-17T10:57:15-04:00

coc and chaplin, let them take it over, i found out the hard way, when it happened to me, she meant the world to me and fell for a preditor

Response by SGT James Hughes made Jul 19 at 2016 6:04 AM

2016-07-19T06:04:43-04:00

tell the other spouse

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 7:09 AM

2016-07-19T07:09:11-04:00

I would look the AR on that one first. It could very well explode in your face

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 8:10 AM

2016-07-19T08:10:50-04:00

Tell the husband.

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 8:53 AM

2016-07-19T08:53:29-04:00

Tell him, send a letter, leave a note what ever you have to do. My Ex cheated on me while I was be deployed in 03. No one told me but I eventually figured it out. Now all my "Brothers" who knew and didn't have the courage to tell me I have no use for.
Yes telling him may end badly he may be pissed, they may hate you but why would you want him to live with a woman who doesn't love him and is just getting more of his pay and retirement. Will you tell him when he is raising kids that may not be his? Get word to him don't let the excuse givers below talk you out of the right thing

Response by SPC Reginald Stovall made Jul 19 at 2016 9:12 AM

2016-07-19T09:12:02-04:00

The spouse needs to know get the pain out the way. But if they stay together that's there choice.

Response by GySgt Ascencion Gomez, D.S.L. made Jul 19 at 2016 9:27 AM

2016-07-19T09:27:16-04:00

Don't be the one doing it. Interfering in someone's marriage is touchy at best. You don't know their arrangements. Things could going south in a heartbeat and if could be you going down in flames.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 9:46 AM

2016-07-19T09:46:54-04:00

Chaplain is your best bet. Something has to be said, but how you choose to act is delicate. The chaplaincy is best equipped to handle it. Also there is a need to back up such a claim. Some sort of proof, like a picture of the two on a date or witnesses of a kiss an such.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 9:52 AM

2016-07-19T09:52:18-04:00

Most of the time nothing will happen. Unless you have proof and I mean in the act.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 10:06 AM

2016-07-19T10:06:11-04:00

Adultery and fratinization is a direct violation of UCMJ artical 134.http://www.military.com/spouse/relationships/military-divorce/legal-separation-adultery-and-ucmj.html esp. Considering rank of involved parties. The husband should be notified of the circumstances and let him take appropriate legal action. Even if he not in the military his spouse is and falls under ucmj artical 134

Legal Separation, Adultery and the UCMJ

The question is often asked, “If I am legally separated and start dating, can I get in trouble in the military for adultery?” Since the formal legal process of divorce can last months (or sometimes years), this question raises an important concern for anyone in uniform who is pending a divorce. The answer to this straightforward question can be anything but simple.

Response by CPT Aaron Kletzing made Jul 19 at 2016 10:12 AM

2016-07-19T10:12:49-04:00

I would let the chaplain know in the unit, and I would also either tell the husband myself or have the chaplain do it.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 10:18 AM

2016-07-19T10:18:18-04:00

How about mind their own business. In serious note that coworker could talk to that spouse about his or her extracurricular activities if they are friends besides that I do not think it is his or her place to outing anyone if that doesn't concerns him or her.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 10:56 AM

2016-07-19T10:56:37-04:00

Tell the cheating spouse you know what's going on. He/she has this one chance to end it and be the best spouse ever, or you will tell the other. It will do no good for the one that got cheated on to know it. If the cheating spouse really loves the their spouse, all will be good and they will have to live with what they did. And you will always be watching, in your buddies best interest.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 11:57 AM

2016-07-19T11:57:14-04:00

Drive on. Not your buisness.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 12:00 PM

2016-07-19T12:00:41-04:00

UNLESS THE COWWORKER HAVE DIRECT KNOWLEDGE THAT THE CHEATING WIFE'S ACTIONS ARE GOING TO CAUSE HER SPOUSE IMMINENT DANGER, MIND YOUR OWN LIFE BECAUSE, WE DONT KNOW THE WHOLE STORY OF THAT FAMILY'S LIFE. MAYBE HE'S CHEATING ON HER TOO AND SHE HAS DIRECT KNOWLEDGE OF HIM CHEATING ON HER TOO AND MAYBE THIS IS HER WAY OF GETTING BACK AT HIM. OR MAYBE HE KNOWS ABOUT IT BUT DOESENT CARE. OR MAYBE SHE JUST HAVENT GOTTEN CAUGHT BY HIM YET AND IF HE IS A SMART LEVEL HEADED GUY WHEN HE FINDS OUT HE WILL FIND THE COURAGE WITHIN HIM TO DIVORCE HER AS HIS WIFE. WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN OUR LIVES FOR DIFFERENT REASONS THIS IS BECAUSE WE ARE NOT PERFECT BEINGS IN THE EYES OF EACH OTHER ON ANYTHING WE DO IN OUR LIVES.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 12:18 PM

2016-07-19T12:18:11-04:00

To be honest with you the coworker should take no action. The only action to take in this situation would be for him to mind his own business. This particular situation is a sensitive situation that could have a negative outcome for all involved including the good coworker who decided to tell. People have to realize people get killed every day for no reason because other people decide not to mind their business. At some point a cheater will slip up and the partner will find out on their own........

Response by SGM(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 2:34 PM

2016-07-19T14:34:19-04:00

Hearsay doesn't count. It's very hard to prove adultry. There isn't anything that can be done to a civilian spouse. If the cheating spouse is military, unless he/she admits to it, it's still considered hearsay.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 4:14 PM

2016-07-19T16:14:52-04:00

Leave that alone. Nobody wins.

Response by Maj Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 4:40 PM

2016-07-19T16:40:59-04:00

Wow, quite a slippery slope... As a divorced former Marine I can tell you that I would want to know. With that said I would also expect my confidant to sit me down with the following advice:
1. Make an appointment with a counselor or a chaplain (preferably both) right then in front of you. This is going to suck so you will need to talk to someone.
2. Research your state rules - THIS IS IMPORTANT! Each state is different regarding the division of property in divorce (which some consider your retirement). Additionally, some are more progressive with regards to who gets the children. As a dad who has physical and legal custody believe me when I tell you this! Many of us are stationed in a different state than our residence, keep that in mind. Also, how difficult will it be for her to attend court if it is in a different state? She may be forced to make concessions.
3. Do not say a thing until you have evidence. Hire a PI, the cost will be minute in relation to what alimony will cost.
4. File FIRST and in the state that BEST supports your position. If you reconcile - great...you can always pull the paperwork.
5. Immediately upon filing cancel/suspend ALL her accounts.
6. Don't pussyfoot around being nice. Establish your objectives and stand by them. Give nothing away, once a lawyer smells weakness they will exploit it. "No" can be used as a sentence. Use it often.

The big thing to keep in perspective here is to be certain what you want. I have seen women destroy my friends financial futures, and they were sad and pathetic like there was nothing they could do. If you want to save it...great. My advice is there are others out there and fortunately I recognized that and found someone much better!

Response by LCpl Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 5:02 PM

2016-07-19T17:02:27-04:00

None. In all honesty relationships are between two people and as much as strongly as your coworker might feel about this in the end it's none Of anyone's business. If your coworker and the husband are good friends maybe he should suggest going to a Chaplin but nothing more. Sometimes these couples stay together and the person who exposed the flaw is usually who they take their anger out on.

Response by SMSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 5:35 PM

2016-07-19T17:35:07-04:00

I agree with others - go to the Chaplain - even if you are not a military member - tell them what you know and what you have evidence to prove. They will then talk to the parties involved, the chain of command for those involved. As other said - there is the other spouse, children and brothers/sisters in arms involved in this as well. What happens, if you don't say anything and it comes out - the wrong party gets a gun - kills the cheating parties, kids and comes on to the base to kill the military cheater and ends up killing other service members that were just at work that day. Do you want to live with the thought that you could have done something if you would have just spoke up? Please don't just turn a blind eye to these types of things - we need to have each others "backs" in good and bad times. If we won't look out for each other - why should we think that the big wigs in DC are going to look out for us. I'm getting off of my soap box now.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 6:47 PM

2016-07-19T18:47:36-04:00

If the spouse is cheating with a service member then he is violating the UCMJ. I would suggest you have your co worker report it to their chain of command.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 7:31 PM

2016-07-19T19:31:34-04:00

Does he have evidence

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 7:31 PM

2016-07-19T19:31:52-04:00

If so tell the service member and show the proof

Response by LTC Chad Uhl made Jul 19 at 2016 7:32 PM

2016-07-19T19:32:17-04:00

IAW the Manual for courts martial, adultery must have 3 elements.
(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person; (2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and (3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.
It is number 3 that usually lets a command decide when not to punish. It is number 1 that is most difficult to prove.
Those in the Armed services saying not to do anything, you are liable to be punished for "Failure to Take Appropriate Action" In violation of AR 600-20, Para. 1-5 and 4-4; AR 600-100, Para. 2-1 and 2-23.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 7:49 PM

2016-07-19T19:49:36-04:00

It would hold more weight if there were two people with direct knowledge. Without a pregnancy or an eye witness it is very hard to prove.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 8:51 PM

2016-07-19T20:51:10-04:00

Tell the cheating spouse to seek counseling.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 9:45 PM

2016-07-19T21:45:47-04:00

I would definitely inform the military member. They have every right to know what's going on behind their back. As hard as it is to do, speak without judgement and sincerity to their emotions. If they dent it/don't want to believe it, you can at least have given them a warning about what to expect. Let's face it, cheaters always get caught and if they eventually get caught or end the relationship over the new fling, he has been warned.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 19 at 2016 11:20 PM

2016-07-19T23:20:35-04:00

Do what you think is right to end what is going on. Think out side the box.

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2016 2:42 AM

2016-07-20T02:42:57-04:00

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2016 6:00 AM

2016-07-20T06:00:27-04:00

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2016 7:01 AM

2016-07-20T07:01:10-04:00

Speak directly to that individual and remind them of the damage they are inflicting on their self, family and true friends by carrying on this relationship. Remind them that the action is damaging to their career because it paints them as dishonest. If there really is a problem in the marriage, and the affair is "the drug of choice", they need to sit with a counselor, the both of them, and hash things out and make the necessary changes or truly move on.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2016 8:26 AM

2016-07-20T08:26:10-04:00

Depending on the situation of both parties. I would suggest that they both see their Chaplain or Pastor. If needed for counseling. Was this a one time offense or multiple times. How emotionally stable are the members. Consider family situations also are they looking for separation. Chaplains and Pastors are best suited to help but also you can be there for support.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2016 8:50 AM

2016-07-20T08:50:35-04:00

She should mind her own business unless she has pictures or other solid evidence or she is the one. Perception is not always reality and interfering in other peoples lives often does more harm than good. If she does have physical evidence then go to the spouse and tell them.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 20 at 2016 4:42 PM

2016-07-20T16:42:02-04:00

The Chaplains office is the best first step.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 21 at 2016 5:45 PM

2016-07-21T17:45:28-04:00

Unit Chaplain's are trained to deal with these subjects specifically Military Related seek his counsel

Response by CMSgt Mike Esser made Jul 25 at 2016 4:24 PM

2016-07-25T16:24:39-04:00

Consult the 1st Sergeant and Chaplain on this one....A LOT to consider here, you never have the full story in these situations.....especially if PTSD, mental illness, abuse, or addiction is involved.

Response by SPC Candace Reese made Jul 31 at 2016 5:25 AM

2016-07-31T05:25:21-04:00

It's unwise to get involved in other people's relationship problems or try to give advise, so I don't. But I'm a female though. Don't guys have to follow Bro Code or something?

Response by PO1 Robert Johnson made Aug 12 at 2016 3:05 PM

2016-08-12T15:05:16-04:00

This is a sharp, 2 edged sword. What is your co-workers motivation to do something? If there is true justification such as being a family member, etc. then they probably would want to talk to the wife first of all. If the co-worker is not a family member but has an interest motivated by preventing harm to children for example, I would suggest contacting a member of the husband's chain of command or a clergymen/Chaplain. If neither of these scenarios apply, I would strongly suggest that 'they keep their noses out of business where it doesn't belong.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 14 at 2016 9:37 AM

2016-08-14T09:37:37-04:00

Good question. When I was deployed, my husband moved in his girlfriend who was an E5/SGT. She also was married. I went to my 1SG, CID, and Jag. No one would do anything. She was gone when I got home, but her mail still was coming to my house. She PCSed, so I kept sending her mail to her new 1SG. Still nothing was done. So I would be surprised if anything is done.

Response by Tracey Nowobilski-Scott made Aug 23 at 2016 7:03 PM

2016-08-23T19:03:12-04:00

Don't involve yourself! In the end he will only end up believing her!

Response by PVT Raymond Lopez made Jun 24 at 2017 12:30 AM

2017-06-24T00:30:16-04:00

Well I introduced my ex-wife to her current husband a week after I finished reading “The Prince” by Niccolò Machiavelli. That is a true story, by the way. I have all been happy these many years after I told him take my wife please.

Response by Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 24 at 2017 8:33 PM

2017-07-24T20:33:13-04:00

Contact the show "cheaters"