How would you recommend that I improve my Personal Statement for my Navy 1420.1b OCS application?

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 11 Sep 2019 07:26:39 -0400

I have a personal statement, for the 1420.1b OCS application, if anyone could help me with making this better. I'm going for SWO-Nuclear.
This is the criteria:

"For all applicants, including Nurse Corps, use the space provided to describe the following in detail (Limit your statement for each section below
to between 200 and 250 words).:
- Reason applying for a commission
- Personal and professional goals
- Strengths/personal characteristics you possess which will contribute to success in the program(s) to which you are applying.
Address any other relevant information or substantial accomplishments not already covered."

This is my statement:

"I am ET3 Allen Chandler. When the Founding Fathers of the United States of America created the Constitution, they wrote it to protect the fundamental rights of US citizens. Their altruism has given power to the people of this great nation. Being a Navy Commissioned Officer will allow me to be an extension of that altruism, to protect what the Constitution stands for and to advise the personnel under my command.
To further my beliefs, my goal is to continue my education in science and technology and manage the systems and personnel in those fields. I plan to obtain a graduate degree in Electrical Engineering to diversify and complement my current bachelor’s degree.
I joined the navy with an undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering from New Jersey Institute of Technology. During my time studying, the physics of electricity was my most challenging subject. My principles led me to challenge myself and overcome that subject, which is the reason why I chose the rate Electronics Technician. This convention of mine has proved to be a valuable asset during my current time in the Navy as I continue to improve my knowledge and management skills.
I have read, studied and practiced many personnel management techniques from books like, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people,” written by Andrew Carnegie and Stephen R. Covey, respectively. The books have provided important tools to help me be amongst the great commissioned leaders of the US Navy."

Response by MSG Gary Eckert made Sep 11 at 2019 8:51 AM

MSG Gary Eckert — Wed, 11 Sep 2019 08:51:16 -0400

You only have 250 words. First, I would get 4 highlighters (one for each of the areas you are to address) and starting with the first sentence highlight which of the four areas it answers. Don't highlight anything that is reflected somewhere else in your packet. If it is not highlighted, delete the sentence. For instance, I am ET3 Chandler. You name is found elsewhere in the packet, delete the sentence. Once you have focused the paper to answering the requirement, start looking at ways to say things more efficiently using active voice. Once you have completed those two tasks use the new found space to plus up your accomplishments (be specific).

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Sep 11 at 2019 12:59 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Wed, 11 Sep 2019 12:59:42 -0400

I would make the statements more robust. As an example don't say I plan on, say I will. You need to mention leadership in paragraph 1 and or the mission of the navy to protect the country.

Response by LT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 12 at 2019 9:11 AM

LT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 12 Sep 2019 09:11:08 -0400

Read each sentence out loud one at a time. If anyone could have the same sentence in their package, try to word it so it only can apply to you! At the end, the more sentences that only apply to you, the better! Also, it reads more like this is what you THINK people what you want to hear, rather than your honest thoughts and desires. Finally, you spend a lot of time in the last paragraph listing books and authors, when you could save words by leaving them out. Instead, you could simply talk about improving your leadership and management skills.

Also, seek out the officers in your command for their guidance. The nuclear LDO community in particular is thriving, and there are lots of officers who would love to help you along the way!

Good luck!

Response by Lola Lynch made May 7 at 2020 9:32 AM

Lola Lynch — Thu, 07 May 2020 09:32:50 -0400

Follow all the rules for the number of characters, otherwise, you will waste your time. If you have problems, consult with someone. And I agree with the opinion above about expressing your leadership qualities. Do not write, that you would like to, write that you are ready.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Jul 19 at 2021 9:43 AM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 09:43:14 -0400

Follow the outline in the criteria. Don’t preach on the founding of our Nation. Focus on how and why you will help the Navy accomplish its missions. You have good information in your current write-up but you need to rearrange it. Write in a straightforward style as though you were answering a question from a Senior Chief.