How would you explain to family members they cannot engage their love one the same way, before they faced war or trauma?

2021-09-16T21:24:09-04:00

There are many family, friends, and neighbors who do not understand that trivial nonsense can send a traumatized veteran reeling.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 16 at 2021 9:38 PM

2021-09-16T21:38:00-04:00

This is a very tough question to answer, Phyllis and I really don't think I can do it justice due to the complexity of issues associated with each individual..., which vary from physical shortcomings due to amputation of limbs, or emotional issues associated with PTSD or other Psychological issues that may affect how they engage their loved one... Each issue is different for both those disabled and those who are their loved ones. It probably will take some level of Psychological counseling for the afflicted as well as the loved one and therein lies the problem...

Response by MAJ Karl Swenson made Sep 16 at 2021 9:38 PM

2021-09-16T21:38:55-04:00

PO3 Phyllis Maynard You know, that's a question I ask every day. But it's not just what it was like before the vet went off to war, or whatever the situation was. Even today, over 50 years after the events that rewired my brain, I have to explain my actions to friends and neighbors. My wife and I went to have dinner at some friends' house. I had to explain that because of hypervigilance I needed to sit in a certain place. Our friends were offended because I messed up their prepared seating chart. The night didn't go well...

Response by SSG Edward Tilton made Sep 16 at 2021 9:45 PM

2021-09-16T21:45:48-04:00

In other words, don't treat them like normal people?

Response by PO1 Christopher Gómez made Sep 16 at 2021 11:41 PM

2021-09-16T23:41:07-04:00

Every case is different and there is no single answer that can encompass the entirety of PTSD-related situations. I think the easiest explanation is to make them aware that their loved one will be different now post-war/trauma. Friends and family should do their best to be patient, understanding, supportive, and to identify and understand the most common symptoms of PTSD.

I personally told my family to try not to startle me, that I cannot handle fireworks, that my personality and behaviors would likely be different, that I need to sit in a certain place relative to a room/door, etc. I gave them a few websites that explained PTSD and tried to explain what I was thinking, feeling, experiencing, etc. My wife, at the time I came home from war, could not handle the changes and we divorced. Luckily, after my medical retirement, I had my father (a fellow veteran and cop) who understood and was my primary support through the roughest part of my journey. My current wife learned from him, the VA, and myself what to expect but even so, we have difficulties at times and my children do not really understand. This is even with me having an education in psychology and being proactive about my PTSD.

Overall, knowledge and open communication are the best way to face this issue.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

NIMH » Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

This brochure provides information about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including what it is, who develops PTSD, symptoms, treatment options, and how to find help for yourself or someone else who may have PTSD.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 16 at 2021 11:46 PM

2021-09-16T23:46:51-04:00

PO3 Phyllis Maynard Good question. Trivial nonsense and B.S. drives me up a wall. I always dread the 4th of July and New years because of the Fireworks. Fireworks, explosions, and loud noises are hard to take.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Sep 16 at 2021 11:50 PM

2021-09-16T23:50:01-04:00

I concur 100%. Many people don’t understand because they lack the experiences. I don’t fault them for that. What perturbs me are people who will denigrate that veteran in any manner or fashion.

I might be the only person who has gratitude for my PTSD because the experience helps me connect with others with PTSD. That is very important to me.

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Sep 16 at 2021 11:51 PM

2021-09-16T23:51:53-04:00

PO3 Phyllis Maynard Dear Ms. Maynard: I am the coach; of my Facebook group: 'Group for Police Officers: Suicidal/Depressed/PTSD'.

Response by MAJ Dale E. Wilson, Ph.D. made Sep 17 at 2021 1:44 AM

2021-09-17T01:44:07-04:00

I found that staying in the army for nearly 22 years around people with similar experiences made it easier to cope.

Response by SSgt Christophe Murphy made Sep 17 at 2021 9:15 AM

2021-09-17T09:15:18-04:00

Be honest and upfront. If someone is "setting off" or "triggering" somebody who has trauma they need to know it. Most of the time it happens and people have no idea what they are doing that has the potential to mess somebody up. Just use tact and be gentle because it can be hard for people to hear they are doing something wrong out of the blue when they didn't do anything intentionally. People are defensive by nature

Response by SFC Casey O'Mally made Sep 17 at 2021 9:38 AM

2021-09-17T09:38:28-04:00

See, here's the problem. What you define as trivial nonsense, I might define as a lifeline to normalcy. Someone else might define as vital information. And someone else might define it as annoying, but necessary.

Additionally assuming that service members cannot be engaged the same is a bad assumption, which creates its own stigma and can easily create real or perceived isolation.

From where I sit, this is a case of having a conversation. If you truly love the person or care for them, invest the time and energy to discuss tings which may have changed, things which may have not, and how that person desires to engage moving forward. Sometimes even if the person *can't* engage in the same way or at the same level as before, they want-to-get-back-to-that-place. And they can only do it with support, encouragement, and engagement from their loved ones.

Response by LTJG Sandra Smith made Oct 31 at 2021 11:15 PM

2021-10-31T23:15:58-04:00

I don't believe there is any 1 "right"answer to that; it's probably as individual as the person to whom you're trying to relate. I suppose the best advice is to remember that war changes people, & not all those changes are immediately apparent, so in a way, you're dealing with a "new person", with whom you may share some history, & kind of "start over" as you would with someone you've just met. Be alert to facial expressions & body language as cues that you may be in difficult territory, while you get acquainted (again). But don't expect the former person to ever return; he or she can't.

Response by PO2 Gerry Tandberg made Nov 22 at 2021 9:26 AM

2021-11-22T09:26:33-05:00

Phyllis,
About four years ago RP contacted me and I asked if I'd be willing to submit an article on any subject of my choice to RP in a section called "Command Post". At the time I was working with small group of veterans as staff members at "Vet Camps" for combat Veterans with Post Traumatic Stress. My primary contribution was taking photographs and listening as I'm a non-combat Veteran. However, my wife was diagnosed with PTS(D) as a result of being raped, having been in an automobile accident, continues to suffer from a sports accident, and lost or eight year old child. I submitted an article titled "What I Learned about Post Traumatic Stress" that was posted in RallyPoint - Command Post. The article I submitted was based on seminars, interview with combat veterans, and several books I read over the course of about three years. If you are interested click on "Home", and in the drop down menu click on "Command Post". In "Search" type in "What I Learned...". It will be the second article from the top. RP edited my original article as it was several pages long and listed several books I'd read on the subject of PTS(D). The following were good reads and you can find them on Amazon: Through My Eyes by Bob Whitworth, Vietnam Veteran. On Killing, Lt Col David Grossman. Unbroken, Louis Zamperini (Laura Hillenbrand) WWII Veteran and Japanese POW. The Wounds of the Soul, by Jim Money, Patriot Guard Rider and Vietnam Veteran.