How was your marriage after your deployment/s?

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 14:34:03 -0400

I saw a lot of marriages fall apart after deployments. I had one that did. We were married only 3 months when I had to deploy to Iraq the first time. We were married about two years but only saw each other 6 months total.

I wish I could say that we both just became a different person but there were some fraternization happening. (Not on my end)

What were some things you think you could've done to save your marriage? Some things are out of ones control. But I would like to hear some of yalls experiences. What did you do to make your marriage work?

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 5 at 2015 2:58 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 14:58:54 -0400

SGT Private RallyPoint Member, I've said before that communication is key. And in our high-tech age, communication has never been easier, with Skype, e-mail, etc.

I think that if a person is going to cheat, a deployment gives them a huge opportunity to do so. If they're not going to cheat, deployment won't matter. And then there are some in the middle.

I spent only six months deployed, but also one year separated while I was in Korea. I don't have a good answer. We held our marriage together because we loved each other ... even though there were disagreements - for example, about how often we should communicate. I wanted constant contact, she was more laid back about it. In the end - after those two separations and many other shorter ones - we worked things out.

The rest of the story is not happily ever after though. We're now divorced, which goes to show you that I do NOT have the correct answer to your question, but I still think that communication is the glue that holds a marriage together.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 5 at 2015 3:44 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 15:44:18 -0400

I can say it is a strain on your marriage as you already know. I am in the Guard. I spend a lot of time away training on top of everything else. In the Guard you pretty much can't just train near by. You end up traveling across the state or to another state. I am deployed . In the build up to this I was away for about 8 months for other training. I was lucky that my wife came down to Benning to visit and spent Thanksgiving with me. I lost count of anniversaries and birthdays I have missed. And now my daughter is feeling the strain.

But here is my advice.
1. Pick your spouse just like you would pick out a house or a car. You have to see the inside along with the outside. You have to see they fit your lifestyle. Don't buy a F-250 if you plan on doing a lot of distance driving. It just doesn't make sense. When it comes to a person this is extremely difficult. My spouse was had military parents. Although they were Marines and on the admin side she understood a lot of the issues. I recall having a GF long past wondering where I was during the week. I told her I went to the field. She didn't understand and didn't care to understand. It is hard to look past the outward bout that is what you have to do.

2. Make it where your not worth leaving. I do need to work on this my self. But when I was first deployed we didn't have phones or internet. I wrote letters as often as I could. When I got back I spent time doing what she wanted. She knew that out of all the things I wanted to do that spending time with her was at the top. Sending flowers randomly and cards work great.

But I have seen way too many marriage collapse. I have been very fortunate. There have been rough times but jumping ship was never an option. But so many people commit to something that they don't really understand. That is the something that they fail to realize. Then a deployment comes and it further drives a wedge into the marriage.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 5 at 2015 5:06 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 17:06:42 -0400

My first deployment ended in a divorce for me. It was supposed to be a short six month deployment but got extended repeatedly out to seventeen months. My daughter was born a week before leaving and I think my ex decided she couldn't keep doing it alone. I was one of the smart 21 year old soldiers and had left her a power of attorney so I came back to $36 and a lot of debt. It's been seven years now since I got home from that deployment so I can be amicable about it, but the lessons I learned as a young Soldier I definitely share and force my new Soldiers to listen to. I attribute the divorce to immature young adults getting married and having a baby, lack of communication (back in the two fifteen minute phone calls a week era, and that's assuming the other person answers the phone), and not having built a solid foundation before I was sent away. It was a hard learning moment but set me up to be a much more thorough and vigilant Soldier. I think through every action I take over and over until I am sure there won't be negative second and third order effects.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 5 at 2015 6:44 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 18:44:17 -0400

Im amazed because so far only 2 out of the 6 responses didn't end up in divorce. Crazy

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 5 at 2015 6:52 PM

SPC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 18:52:13 -0400

Have to communicate even with separation... FaceTime snap chat you just have to do everything and try everything love is something you have to work at

Response by SSG John Hodek made Apr 5 at 2015 7:08 PM

SSG John Hodek — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 19:08:14 -0400

My wife and I were both Army brats so that made it alot easier. But I will say that I have seen many deployments end in divorce for alot of my friends.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Apr 5 at 2015 7:57 PM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 19:57:43 -0400

My wife and I were both active duty. She was a Bandsman, and I was in a "travelling" training job (I had 9+ months of TDY racked up our first 2 years together, and she had probably 3+). This is not including 'local' (same state) schools immediately prior to getting married.

We've been together for 16~ years now. Although we didn't have long breaks, we had LOTS of little ones, and a newborn, while we were both still in.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Apr 5 at 2015 9:38 PM

SGM Erik Marquez — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 21:38:17 -0400

Before, during and after, could not be better.
The first one was 93 days in Panama as a "show of force"
Back stateside less than 2 months and off again for Just Cause.

Each one there After
Iraq 06-08
Iraq 09-10
Afghanistan 11-12

It was never fun, but never bad, even when it was bad..... meaning... deployment was kept deployed, home life home unless a decision was needed or achievement appropriate to be shared.

I was lucky in that I had a wonderfully strong wife, a former Non Commissioned Officer, who was capable of taking care of the home from defending it, to fixing it, while holding down a full time job and raising two boys.
24 years later, it's better then ever.... Deployments training and conflict were never fun times for us, but they were not defining moments or events either, just a bump..an obstacle to consider. plan, and overcome.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Apr 5 at 2015 10:43 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 22:43:07 -0400

I deployed to Antarctica two weeks after we were married. And again, and again. My problem was not understanding then that my wife was the Ground Commander back at home and I needed to keep my mouth shut about it when I got home. My second problem was thinking you just picked up where you left off. Wrong. Both undergo changes so you have to discover your new center. My third problem was not understanding I had to work at making a marriage work. Fortunately some focused counseling helped sort that out. I went kicking and screaming the first time at year 4. At year 8 we got more counseling as we both though it a good idea. Our marriage was drifting. At year 16 it was my idea to do some counseling over adoption issues. No, Hell didn't freeze over, but it was comfortable for a bit.

Separation makes it hard to build up a marriage on an everyday basis. Even through the bad times, being there for each other, no matter what, is a Law of the Universe to us. So 39 years later, we're remembering old things. She again is the Ground Commander getting a house on the market and I'm working on the new home 430 miles away not griping about how things get done there. And I actually bought some furniture here she likes!

It took me 17 years to tell (aka sobbing) my wife about a very dark side of myself that came out during an incident. It did keep some Marines and I alive. Her response? "I knew something happened to you then, but I figured you'd tell me when you were ready." All the years of marriage lead up to that point when I needed her most and she handled it so easily. No amount of counseling or chemicals could have healed me like she did.

So I recommend couples really look at what a good marriage can do both short and long term. It will be the best insurance policy you can get. And toss the "It's about me thing" overboard. It's about us.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 5 at 2015 10:51 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 22:51:31 -0400

I won't repost what I have already done elsewhere, but my wife and I were a model for how to handle a deployment and military life when I wasn't gone. Then I went to Africa last year, and returned to a disaster.
Bottom line was she had changed, and I didn't know how and what to do until it was too late. We talked plenty all year, but she kept this part from me.

Marriage is work, all the more so if you must spend a lot of time away from each other. I have been poisoned by the experience, but I can still say that marriage when it is on, is wonderful and fulfilling. When it goes wrong, it is brutal and devastating.
Take care to nurture and guard what you have together. The alternative is terrible indeed.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 6 at 2015 9:53 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 09:53:45 -0400

Never go to bed angry...I have been awake for days because of this one....

Response by SSG Richard Reilly made Apr 6 at 2015 2:00 PM

SSG Richard Reilly — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 14:00:25 -0400

Military didn't issue you a spouse.... Basically my marriage was over after my third deployment...infact she left three months after I got back.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 6 at 2015 3:52 PM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 15:52:30 -0400

Divorced

Response by SSG John Erny made Apr 6 at 2015 3:53 PM

SSG John Erny — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 15:53:33 -0400

I have seen plenty of shenanigans by troops who were married in the desert. The sad thing is that some of them were officers hooking up with enlisted people and NCO's hooking up with lower enlisted. It was not even a secret, everyone knew about it but nothing was said. This is not one unit I am talking about but an entire camp; there was even a hadji tent that was empty that people would wait to take their turn in it.

I have also seen some one take advantage of female soldier who was very vulnerable and who was a victim of a child predator when she was young. She for what ever reason could not say “no”. The guy using her was basically a pimp now that I look back on it.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 6 at 2015 4:03 PM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 16:03:26 -0400

While we were in Colorado a soldier came home to find that his wife had married another man. No divorce, no annulment.

I think it safe to say his deployment affected his marriage quite a bit.

Response by PO1 Jeffrey Stoddard made Apr 6 at 2015 4:49 PM

PO1 Jeffrey Stoddard — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 16:49:07 -0400

Imploded. Not everyone can be solely independent to get everything done or suffer chastity when away from spouse or significant other. Sorry to say, mine couldnt

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 6 at 2015 5:18 PM

CW3 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 17:18:46 -0400

I, like so many others, was married and divorced before 30. I can pinpoint our mistakes that lead us to divorce, but it is impossible to tell what would have repaired the breach. To look back on it now, I think that we just weren't meant to be, and to rack my brain to think of ways that would have kept us together is not how I'd like to look back at that time.
I will agree with the others that have posted that communication is key, however we all need to know how to communicate effectively with our partner.
I would also add that relationship growth is the other side of the doorknob that most of us can't grasp because deployments are the door that separates us. Communication can in turn twist that knob, but not for every door. Maybe my metaphor is off, but it is all I can come up with right now.

Response by SGT John Wesley made Apr 6 at 2015 5:29 PM

SGT John Wesley — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 17:29:12 -0400

My marraige fell apart on my first tour to Germany. We were young and while I was TDY she had no one to go to. It got harder and finally after being called to the mat by my commander about something she did, I sent her back stateside and we divorced shortly thereafter. Too young, too hard headed. Both of us.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 6 at 2015 5:33 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 17:33:18 -0400

I had to wait until I was mature enough (and that is still debatable) before I got married. I was 32 when I got married; if I had done it earlier I am sure it would have failed.

Deployments were hard; we had new kids each time...being deliberate to make time to stay in touch, write and call really seemed to help us.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 6 at 2015 7:57 PM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 19:57:36 -0400

I'm currently deployed for a year at a remote post called Diego Garcia, an island just south of India. Here on installation are mission essential personnel only and no outsiders allowed under most circumstances.

This is the first time I've been apart from my wife in over 7 years of marriage, and believe me it's been very, very emotionally tough at times for both of us. Nevertheless, communications haven't stopped. We speak at least twice a day despite 10 hour difference, once early in the morning and once in the evening. I constantly remind how much I love and miss her whether via phone line or Skype at the Liberty Lounge.

We don't stop talking. We say pointless, frivolous things to each-other at times, but we DO NOT stop communicating or showing any signs of disinterest. I do my part to provide for our marriage to the best of my ability. I remind her of that and ask that she reciprocates. She does. Our hearts grow fond of each-other being apart. We stay together, remotely for now. Til death do us part. Amen.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 6 at 2015 8:55 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 20:55:33 -0400

I think first and foremost you need to be with that individual for over a year before you really 'know' the relationship is worth it. I say that only because I was married and although we had great communication he Cheated on me probably due to the fact we weren't together long, rushed into it and were on different duty stations. Communication is always key but if both parties aren't fully invested it's obviously not going to work. Plus if they can't have you in front of them 24/7 and see someone that's there everyday, showing interest etc whom is also 'weak' in regards to self control then it's a no go. In the military soldiers especially the young ones are so quick to jump into a situation like that then end up 22 and divorced, or younger...

Response by MSgt Jamie Lyons made Apr 6 at 2015 9:18 PM

MSgt Jamie Lyons — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 21:18:19 -0400

I came home to find my spouse with my best friend. Felt like the world beneath me was pulled out from under me. We had a 9 yr old daughter at the time. We had been married for 15 years or so. Looking back I probably should have expected though. Being aircrew is a different breed of career. After we return from deployments we are right back out all over the world. One time in a 2 year period I was home a total of 53 days. It took it's toll on my spouse I guess. I would only be home 2 or 3 days and then gone again.

Response by 1SG Brian Allen made Apr 6 at 2015 10:27 PM

1SG Brian Allen — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 22:27:53 -0400

I deployed to Iraq 3 times. My first time my wife was 3 months pregnant. I came home after 50% of my unit got leave. I was the 1SG and did not want to use my position for my gain. My marriage is still strong and I learned to let my wife keep on doing things she was doing them. We both worked hard to make it through the deployments. Sometimes soldiers get back and expect
To pick up just like it was before they left. This is not the case and when they return soldiers must remember that. It takes both spouses to remain strong and honor their marriage.

Response by COL Charles Williams made Apr 6 at 2015 11:19 PM

COL Charles Williams — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 23:19:13 -0400

Well, I can't speak with legit authority on many things, but since I have been married since 1983, to a girl (woman) I met in high school, I can at least reflect on my life and career.

1. Marriage takes work; nothing happens by accident or by chance... it takes a lot of work.

2. When you deploy, because they have to... your wife and family figure out (quickly) how to live and operate without you... And... like it or not, they even consider how they would do this without you forever... in case you never come back.

3. Get over yourself... Your family did fine without you, and they can do fine without you. Ease back into the home front life... You are an outsider when you get home.

4. He happy and appreciative of all you have.

5. Take it slow, as things change a lot in 6,9,12,15 months... It is really like meeting people for the first time.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Apr 6 at 2015 11:19 PM

SFC Mark Merino — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 23:19:45 -0400

Just the way it always was before I left........I'll leave it at that. I'm remarried now.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 7 at 2015 12:45 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 00:45:19 -0400

Just ask my ex-wife

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 7 at 2015 1:27 AM

SCPO Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 01:27:10 -0400

Being on a foward deployed ship, underway is the norm at least 6 months out of the year (out for a month in for a month, out for 3 months in for a month, etc.). I tell guys that are thinking of getting married to wait and see how their relationship handles a patrol or two.

Been married 5 years now with 3 of those on the ship and our marriage is stronger than ever. The vast majority of guys on the ship that are married have been for a while and I can't remember the last time I heard of someone getting a divorce. Maybe we're just better at it in the Navy, lol.

Response by 1LT David Moeglein made Apr 7 at 2015 3:08 AM

1LT David Moeglein — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 03:08:59 -0400

My first marriage of 12 years began to decline after being deployed to Korea for a year, and we were separated from each other and the army within 2 years of that.

My time in Korea was prior to the internet being widely used. Military spouses often times had to have a job and in some cases a 2nd job to pay the phone bills. I remember coming home from Korea forgetting who my wife and son were. I don't blame the military for our divorce, but the deployment didn't help.

I have now been married a 2nd time for over 8 years. We have had some challenging times as well, but it sure works better when both parties want to be married, and I grew up. We keep reading marriage books, and find new ways to support each other. I am truly blessed to be married to an incredible wife, and my best friend. God is merciful.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 7 at 2015 8:51 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 08:51:50 -0400

My husband and I agreed to keep our word that we would communicate and follow through on what we've agreed on. He kept himself and our children busy with activities and trips. He's quite the patient one so we gave each other time to reintegrate when I came home. Also, we agreed that divorce is not an option.

Response by SSG Tim Everett made Apr 7 at 2015 9:01 AM

SSG Tim Everett — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 09:01:58 -0400

I did so much FTX'ing, NTC'ing, and deploying that we never spent a lot of time together. Consequently when I came home it was a lot of boot-knocking. It wasn't until I ETS'd and spent more than a few weeks together that I found out we hated each other.

Oh, and that she had a boyfriend who defiled the bed we made.

Response by PO3 Greg Eastom made Apr 7 at 2015 10:02 AM

PO3 Greg Eastom — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 10:02:20 -0400

During my 6 years of active duty I seen many marriages fail, some right from the gate and some after deployment/active duty. I recall many getting married just for money and the opportunity to move off base or to bring a girl friend from another country along with her extended family to America. My personal experience with getting married began after my first 4 years of active duty after I received my Honorable D/C! I moved home and took a job related to my experience as a HM when I met my current wife while working out in the local gym. I re-enlisted for 2 more years with the intention to marry in the future when it was time to re-enlist again if we where ready!
Prior to my deployment as a ships company HM my wife got pregnant despite being told she could never have children due to a medical issue, I remember calling her on a pay phone on the pier my ship was docked to hear the results of her pregnancy test and with out hesitation I asked to marry her and she accepted! My first born son was born 2 weeks prior to being home from a 6 month west-pac deployment and I remember vividly the "Red-Cross" telegraph announcing the birth of our son so I requested and was granted leave once we pulled into Pearl Harbor and I flew home to meet our son for the first time! This being during the time before current technology we knew what it felt like to missing the birth of our son and never wanting to experience that again we decided to end my Navy career as soon as that current enlistment ended!
Being married for only 9 months before our sons birth opened our eyes and mind to the fact that a career as a Sailor would mean many times of being alone and with that in mind we declined re-enlistment despite orders to San Antonio as a HM2/instructor for shore duty. Being separated as a USN family was unacceptable to us so after 2 years as a HM3 I discharged honorably and joined the California Department of Corrections which allowed us to retire on my 50th birthday in 2014!
Don't get me wrong, I don't think for one moment that our choice to discharge after my 6 years of active meant we where smarter, being married for 25 plus years at this point was extremely difficult and divorce was always in our minds as unacceptable so it took much work and sacrifice on both of our part to stay married but we did it and now all these years later with 2 grandchildren and 1 more on the way we are convinced it was the best decision we ever made so staying married for the benefit of our children was hands down the correct decsion for our family!
Our marriage after deployment was hard, our marriage after active duty was even harder but now all of these years later I'm convinced our decsion to put our families need above the need of the USN was correct and we wouldn't change a thing because family is ALWAYS first and worth the effort needed by the both of us!

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 7 at 2015 10:31 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 10:31:39 -0400

Marriage is hard and when compounded with deployments it can be even harder, but our parents and grandparents made it, why can't we?

Response by SPC Jan Allbright, M.Sc., R.S. made Apr 7 at 2015 10:43 AM

SPC Jan Allbright, M.Sc., R.S. — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 10:43:37 -0400

I seem to remember a SGT saying something like "If the Army wanted you to have a wife you would be issued one."

Response by SFC Christopher Perry made Apr 7 at 2015 11:18 AM

SFC Christopher Perry — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 11:18:12 -0400

I had my first fall apart while I was in the first Gulf War. Deployment or otherwise, either you were ment to be together or you were not. I thank my lucky stars she rolled out while I was deployed. I came back wrote up my own device paperwork and appeared before a judge who happened to be a retired LTC. I was divorced in 90 days and it cost me less than $100. I have now been married for over 20!years to the best woman in the world!

Response by PV2 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 7 at 2015 11:21 AM

PV2 Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 11:21:30 -0400

From my personal experience my marriage wasn't what I would call bad after my ex's deployment, but I definitely noticed a change in him, He was detached somewhat, and seemed colder even towards the kids.

Unfortunately in my case we simply grew up and grew apart. I had met him while still in the Army and share some wonderful times together, but in the end ours goals and desires didn't mesh. However he's the father of our two kids and we have a good relationship now. He's happier and found someone and so am I. All I have ever wanted was for us both to be happier whether together or apart. I wish him the best actually.

Response by SSG Dwight Amey MSA, MSL, BS, AS made Apr 7 at 2015 12:28 PM

SSG Dwight Amey MSA, MSL, BS, AS — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 12:28:52 -0400

This question is difficult to pinpoint as the cause why marriages end. I feel, that the deployments have a 100% cause in that it is the straw that broke the camels back sort of speaking.

I put it like this because of my time with my wife (25 years 22 of them in the military active duty). Each time I deployed (50 months total from 2003 - 2011). I had to find ways to deal with my explosive temper. Once I realized I could lose my retirement if I got arrested I got straight just enough to be at peace. After each deployment the honeymoon phase always was good, but once our problems were realized have not changed things went down hill at break neck speed.

I did not start reintegrating until I retired last year. It is going to take at least another 2 years to have an affect of the treatment I am getting from mental health. I am good at holding stuff in and denying the pain or frustration of life and am also good at shutting down allowing whatever to happen no matter how serious.

When we are apart even if we talk on the phone each day we still do not work on our issues. I used to tell my soldiers going to war is hell. But being married is the hardest thing they will ever do personally in their lives..... only next to breathing their last breath.

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Apr 7 at 2015 1:00 PM

CPT Richard Riley — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 13:00:46 -0400

All in all, as many prior to me have said, communication is the foundation of relationships. Provided you are able to be honest in exchanges, there is not very much that can create a storm to tear your marriage apart.

I recall a few other discussions that relate to the same thing - different issues, different situations, but generally the same platform. If it helps, you can find those here:

https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/marriage-and-the-military-career

https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/how-do-you-save-your-marriage-while-saving-the-world-the-forgotten-casualties-of-war-marriage-and-relationships

https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/military-marriages-is-it-possible-to-save-my-marriage

It take two people to keep a marriage and a whole lot of work between them.

Marriage and the Military Career | RallyPoint

To start, I am getting married this fall. What I would like to ask is how other service members have dealt with marriage and their career in the service. My wife to be is a Nurse and works for a respected local hospital, she is also the primary bread winner for the family at this point in time. My benefits and great loan rates are of course a benefit to our household and help us tremendously (and more once she is my...

Response by PO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 13 at 2015 10:37 PM

PO3 Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 22:37:45 -0400

"What were some things you think you could've done to save your marriage?"

What I did was refuse to marry him until after deployments were done. In other words, DD214 in hand.

In all seriousness, I served 4 years, he served 10. He's been out for 7 1/2 now. I didn't want to be a statistic like what many of the responses to this thread are describing. Additionally, we didn't want to have to explain to our children why daddy couldnt be at the ballet recital, the football game, or the band concert.

Unfortunately, a family has not (yet) been in the cards for us. We could choose to be all pissed off about it, and angry that at this point in time, had he stayed active duty, he'd only be 2.5 years away from retirement..... but we also figure we wouldn't be 7.5 years into a happy marriage either.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Apr 14 at 2015 10:46 AM

SGT Richard H. — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 10:46:36 -0400

The only difference in my first marriage between pre-deployment and post-deployment is that it had become a past mistake instead of a present mistake.

Response by Col Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 14 at 2015 11:02 AM

Col Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 11:02:44 -0400

We have been married for 20 years and 15( and still going) of them with me in the Air Force. I think the biggest thing that helped us draw closer together after my deployments is my understanding of what she went through. I think I had it easy. She worked full time, raised our son, managed the finances and household. How could I betray her knowing she loves me enough to do all of that and remain faithful?

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Apr 14 at 2015 11:21 AM

MSG Brad Sand — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 11:21:12 -0400

Expensive. Divorce lawyers must be making a killing around military bases.

Response by SFC Charles S. made Apr 14 at 2015 12:32 PM

SFC Charles S. — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 12:32:00 -0400

You know, it takes a special kind of person to marry and stay married to a Military member. Not all civilians are cut out for it. The thing is to know when to tell you are with one of those people who Can't take it and Leave for both of your sake.

I joined the Army at 17... I married my High School Sweetheart, Against all of my friends warnings. I should have listened. We were married for 3 years when I got sent to Korea, a 1 year unaccompanied tour, this was back in 1987. When I returned home on Mid-tour leave I found she had been cheating on me since I left. When I returned from the end of the tour we divorced. (Best thing I ever did) I was single for 3 years when Desert Storm happened. I answered an Any Service Member letter, we corresponded for about 4 months, when I returned home, I went to see her on leave, in the equivalent of 20 days we were married. We are still together we will celebrate our 24th Wedding Anniversary in July.

Response by MAJ David Vermillion made Apr 14 at 2015 2:59 PM

MAJ David Vermillion — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 14:59:33 -0400

My wife was a blessing during my service, she was with me 17 of the 20 years. I am proud to say that on November 1st we will celebrate our 50 years of marriage. Military wives are special in so many ways. I saw what happened in the military when deployment time came around and many wives couldn't handled it. It is a tough road and it's not for everybody.

Response by SPC David Hannaman made Apr 14 at 2015 4:03 PM

SPC David Hannaman — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 16:03:41 -0400

I wasn't married when I was in so feel free to disregard. I did (and in some ways still do) observe a lot of marriages that deal with separation, and can tell you that the separation of deployment isn't the issue, it's the catalyst.

I'm still good friends with a CW4 who served several tours in Vietnam... if he was home too long his wife would suggest volunteering for something. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." worked for them.

I was friends with a couple that when he went out to sea she would hand him a box of condoms. She didn't expect him to go without sex for months on end and was pragmatic about it. I don't know if what was good for the goose was good for the gander or not, but it worked for them.

I knew a couple that were active duty and both in aviation, they mentioned that there was some sort of regulation that said any PCS required them to be stationed within a certain distance of each other... They came to Korea together and left the kids with Grandma for a year. I don't understand it, but it worked for them.

I knew guys that when deployed their wives would move back home and live with the parents. Sometimes being a civilian at a military base isn't such a good thing.

Of course I knew dozens if not hundreds of guys that got divorce papers in the mail, or came home and drove their wife away because they couldn't ask for help...

Marriage isn't simple, military or not. It's like getting gears to mesh... if they do, it's easier. If they don't it's rough.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 14 at 2015 6:59 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 14 Apr 2015 18:59:53 -0400

It definitely is a strain on marriage...I've been told I was weird, and became emotionally detached from everything...it was hard for about a year after my second tour...but we have progressed with dealing with transitioning better now and it's not near as bad.

Response by SSG Robert Webster made Apr 24 at 2015 8:59 AM

SSG Robert Webster — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 08:59:05 -0400

I think that I am one of the lucky ones. My marriage did not suffer from any of my deployments. However, I did see a number of marriages fail during the 20 years that I spent in the service. My wife and I have been married for 32 years, 13 years of which was during the time that I spent in the service. I came from a broken home and knew how it effected people and swore that when I got married it would be the one and only time and that I would work to make it successful. For me this is my only marriage, for my wife it is her third. We were together for about a year and a half before we committed to each other. At that time, I was reassigned back to CONUS and we were physically separated for about 6 months, before I went back overseas and we got married. This was back when under certain circumstances you would have to get permission to marry from your Commander, I had to go through this process twice; once overseas and once again stateside, because I changed commands during the approval process. We then moved her and her two children (which I adopted), back to the US, 1 month later I deployed for 6 months, leaving her and the kids in an unfamiliar place and no automobile, 3 months after returning from that deployment, my unit deployed again (this time to combat). For my wife, it was a very rough first year of marriage, but she hung in there and so did I.

Response by SGT(P) Douglas Gill made Apr 24 at 2015 10:57 AM

SGT(P) Douglas Gill — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 10:57:21 -0400

My first marriage ended as an indirect result of deployments. We grew apart and we became a poor example of a married couple. She was very codependent, and wasn't up to the task of being a military wife to begin with. It takes a certain type of woman (or spouse for that matter) to be strong enough to take on such a role. I began to prefer to be in the field or deployed because I hated being home. Marriage requires two people who love each other more than they love themselves, mutually dedicated to grow as one.

In my case she pushed me to get out in hopes of salvaging our declining marriage and we ended up in a divorce anyway. I've been trying to get back on Active Duty ever since. :/ However, I am very happily remarried.

Response by SPC Ei McS made May 18 at 2015 8:15 AM

SPC Ei McS — Mon, 18 May 2015 08:15:49 -0400

Four years after the deployment we're still happily married. He still gets on my nerves sometimes ( :-D) and I know I still get on his nerves at times ( :-D)! Such is married life. After a year-long deployment there was an adjustment period of several months; this, not so much concerning our marriage, but more about getting used to being in the "civilized" world again where everything is so readily available all the time.

Response by LTC David Stender made May 20 at 2015 11:01 PM

LTC David Stender — Wed, 20 May 2015 23:01:45 -0400

I've deployed 4 times from 9 months to 15 months. Upon return, strong marriages were strained, good marriages were weak and weak marriages were in danger or already broken. Strong bonds helped and we got better as we repeated the process. Little things go along way. During my second deployment in 2003, it was not uncommon for a month to pass by only talking 1 time. My 2011-2012 deployment included Skype about 3-4 times per week. Times are better if you want to make it work

Response by SP5 Michael Cates made Jul 20 at 2015 9:57 PM

SP5 Michael Cates — Mon, 20 Jul 2015 21:57:35 -0400

I THINK THAT I WOULD BE CRAZY TO HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHEN I CAME BACK WHY PEOPLE HATED ME! JUST SELECTIVE OVOIDANCE WAS THE BEST AND THEN TO COME BACK TO IT AFTER I GOT MY CARREER GOING AND ON TRACK! GIRLS CRYING WHEN I LEFT AND CAME BACK AND THEY WERE MARRIED AND THE FATHER TALKED TO ME LIKE I HAD BEEEN ON A VACATION AND LEFT HIS DAUGHTER AT HOME! I HAD BEEN DRAFTED AND IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I NEW REALITY WAS THAT I MAY NOT COME BACK OR IN THE WAY SHE WOULD KNOW ME!! SO WHEN I WOULD GET LETTERS FROM MY GIRLFRIEND! I just did what I thought was best for her and I that I didn't love her anymore and see you later! THEN SEEING AND HEARING ABOUT ALL OF THE DEAR JOHN OR VERONICA LETTERS THAT GUYS (AT THAT TIME) were getting seemed to say maybe I did the right thing! HAPPLY MARRIED FOR 36YR'S AND HAVE TWO BEAUTIFULL DAUGHTERS! GYMNASTICALLY, MICHAEL CATES BEST PHILOSOPHY IS : THE CUP IS HALF FULL!!!!

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 24 at 2015 11:35 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 23:35:29 -0400

I have one goal in life, live longer than my Ex.

Response by SGM Mikel Dawson made Mar 16 at 2016 12:05 PM

SGM Mikel Dawson — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 12:05:09 -0400

SGT Private RallyPoint Member After three deployments and 24 years my wife and I are still together. Not to say we haven't had our share of rocky roads. I think the first couple years were the hardest - before I deployed.
After my first deployment, and waking up a couple night on my knees pounding my pillow with my fists, she no longer sleeps in the same room as I. Just this past week, one morning she stated she could hear me (she sleeps down stairs) and guessed I'd had another bad dream. So that part of life isn't there, but we get along. We have a good place, help each other, and work with each other to keep our place going. When she goes to a horse show, I stay home to take care of the rest of her horses and our dogs. No one said life was a bed of roses, but no one needs to get stuck with the thorns.

Response by MSG James S. made Mar 24 at 2016 1:27 PM

MSG James S. — Thu, 24 Mar 2016 13:27:45 -0400

It takes a special person to deal with the trials and tribulations of military life, its not just the deployments, it everything that leads up to the deployment. After 4 failed marriages, I finally found a GREAT woman! What makes her so great is that she is a former Marine and she understands military life. Now, after 11 years of being partners, I think I have gotten it right! Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to stay with your own! The military doesn't issue you a spouse but maybe they should, the common ground that exists builds stronger bonds!

Response by PO3 Paul Lowrey made Jan 28 at 2023 11:26 AM

PO3 Paul Lowrey — Sat, 28 Jan 2023 11:26:15 -0500

I got my dear John while deployed to Vietnam, I thought my 18 year old life was over but it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise, after I was discharged from service I met my soul mate of 52 years. Who would of thought it.