How long would you stay to help another family, when it's a toxic environment?

SGT Michael Glenn — Fri, 28 Aug 2015 20:13:20 -0400

I have been out of service for almost 24 years (Oct 26 will be 24). When I got back to the states (left the states in 86 and returned in 09) I came across a family that I had know since childhood. One of the daughters had gotten with me on Face Book and we started talking and she told me she was going through a divorce that was dragging on and had no means to support her children ( 5). I wound up going to meet her and them and have now been here for 5 years. During this 5 years I have made it VERY clear that I will not become active with her as she is still married but will help her out. Also in this time I have become very bitter towards her 3 sons who have tried their very best to piss me off to the point where I will want to leave, this includes making false claims that I almost beat one to death and child protective services stepped in, The child wound up admitting that it was all just a lie and was just another attempt to get rid of me. I have kicked one out just shy of his being 18 for disrespect and am on the verge of doing the same to the next one and just enrolled the 3rd (15) into a military academy to turn his ass around. My dilemma is this: After so much friction I am torn on staying with this family or just walking away. They have absolutely no income , I finance the house , the cars, everything and know if I leave they will return to a life of poverty. I absolutely love the two girls (15 and 17) along with the mom, but as said all this crap with the boys has put a HUGE wedge between us. Any suggestions??I know it will in the end fall on my decision alone, I just am torn in what direction I need to travel. UPDATE!!!! I have asked them all to leave and have started rebuilding my life, I thank all of you who responded.. It helped me confirm what I already knew i needed to do.

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Aug 28 at 2015 8:19 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Fri, 28 Aug 2015 20:19:25 -0400

Catch 22 situation. If you stay, you will be all fired up and not happy and if you go, you'll feel shitty about yourself. I would walk and let God sort this out. If it is meant to be, then you will end up back together. Get the space you need, GET THE FUCK OUT before you really go NUTS!

Response by LTC Stephen F. made Aug 28 at 2015 8:20 PM

LTC Stephen F. — Fri, 28 Aug 2015 20:20:40 -0400

Five years is a very long time to take a family into your house with no strings except for expecting them to respect you SGT Michael Glenn. Does the mother of this teenager children support you when you attempt to discipline the children? I expect the answer seems to be yes but wanted to make sure that she agrees. Since the place they all are living is your house there is a reasonable expectation that some basic house rules should apply.
You mentioned the woman is married . Where is her husband in all of this?

Response by PO2 Jonathan Scharff made Aug 29 at 2015 11:01 AM

PO2 Jonathan Scharff — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 11:01:41 -0400

Hey buddy, what are you doing? Everyone else has mentioned red flags but I see a giant red billboard! You have put yourself in a very bad situation! You are not responsible for every stray anaimal on the road! You don't have a house full of cats too do you?

Don't mean to make light of the situation, but seriously I think you knew the answer to this one before you posted it.

I have a few boys if you want you can put them through college too! No strings attached!

I do wish you luck. You obviously are a nice caring guy. I think you are seriously being taken advantage of. Time to invest yourself into people who are going to invest in you.

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 29 at 2015 11:13 AM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 11:13:36 -0400

Just my two cents. There are red flags on this. I understand you want to help. HOWEVER, there is a point and time to say enough is enough and walk away. And that time is now. I personally think that you should have walked a long time ago. For your own good and before something tragic happens, walk away.

Response by CSM Michael Poll made Aug 29 at 2015 2:30 PM

CSM Michael Poll — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 14:30:38 -0400

The only suggestion I could venture at this point is to contact a VET Center in your area to see about family counselling. They are there for Veterans. I think it would help alot! Good Luck!!!

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 29 at 2015 2:45 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 14:45:54 -0400

It sounds like the Center of Gravity (COG which is the true strength in the relationship is the mother and two daughters. It is as if you are caught between good and evil. I had a blended family, 3 girls and 3 boys, and the girls were darlings for most of their stay with me. The boys were different as they stole, acted up, and were violent. They gave my wife an myself a considerable amount of stress and anxiety to the point I did not know if we would survive. The family essentially became broken. I will wind forward to the point all the boys moved out at 18, and that gave use a much deserved respite that was needed. I have two girls now and it is a pure joy raising nice children. You have to determine what you want, what she wants, what are the limitations in either course of action. Hang in there, I have been where you are.

Response by SSG Selwyn Bodley made Aug 29 at 2015 7:21 PM

SSG Selwyn Bodley — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 19:21:21 -0400

What are you asking?

Response by SGT Michael Glenn made Oct 15 at 2015 2:35 PM

SGT Michael Glenn — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 14:35:20 -0400

Update.. I have asked the entire family to leave my house. I no longer wish to be a father figure to children who blurt disrespectful crap aimed at me out of their mouths, I refuse to have everything I own destroyed intentionally just to make a point that they dont like me. I do not care if they go back to a life of below poverty and look forward to picking up the pieces of my life and moving on and being happy..... any single females out there!!!!! lol...just joking!!!!

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2015 3:08 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 15:08:08 -0400

I know this might sound rude but, Why are you with her? You have set the rule that it can not go any further until she has a divorce. If she still has not gotten a divorce the kids may be viewing YOU as an obstacle to being with dad again. You fill the role as the man of the house to the point that you can send one off to the Military Academy even if you are not in a relationship with the mom. You have distanced your self from them even as you are controlling parts of there lives. It might sound harsh but by the rules you set down you can not be with her. I do not know why it would take five years to finalize a divorce but either help her do that so you can be together or move on. You are holding up the forbidden fruit for everyone to see. Them and for you. The worst thing you can do is try and do the job as a parent while not trying to be one. Young or old, people will sense it and they will try and distance themselves from you.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 15 at 2015 5:58 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 17:58:14 -0400

So right now who gives you trouble? Where is the wedge?

Response by SGT John Rauch made Oct 15 at 2015 6:01 PM

SGT John Rauch — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 18:01:29 -0400

she is using you bro, lay down the law, if she violates prosecute to the fullest. ( by prosecute, I mean leave) just so no one gets confused.

Response by SPC Kelli Morrison made Oct 17 at 2015 11:57 AM

SPC Kelli Morrison — Sat, 17 Oct 2015 11:57:13 -0400

What is the reason the young lady doesn't help our or work?