How do you mentor your Soldier who is outstanding in his profession, but has poor decision making skills off duty?

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 20:27:22 -0400

What do you do when you have a soldier who is outstanding in his profession, but is beginning to really make you question his off duty decision making?

A little background on the question, I've been in the Army for six years now, and made my share of mistakes. My personality isn't the norm for a lot of NCO's in my experience, and honestly many people questioned my ability to lead soldiers because I'm not the Type A, fire and brimstone type. I'm slow to anger, and most in my unit have never seen my temper flare up. That self control was learned though through A LOT of consequences from not having self control. It was a process, and likewise, my leadership reflects that process. During the same time, as some of you may know, I was blessed two little boys that taught me more than I can imagine in making me a man that they deserved to be their father. My oldest son, Elisha, is somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and he has taught me how to manage stress and nurture his development. Together the two different perspectives, personal and professional, have led me to view my responsibilities to my soldiers in much the same way I try to be a father.

Most of you, if you're still reading this, are probably wondering what this has to do with the question I posed. Recently, one of my soldiers has begun to make me question how best to approach certain situations. I believe entirely in tough love and making consequences, good or bad, for behavior, but some days lately I've wondered if those doubts have been correct after all. It's not completely dissimilar to when my boys first randomly bit another kid while they were playing as toddlers and just started laughing. I remember then questioning whether I had completely failed in my assessment of how to be a parent (extreme, but seriously what makes every kid think this is hilarious at two years old?). Likewise, my soldier did something equally as...embarrassing I guess, but definitely unbelievable why... and by some miracle was given a slap on the wrist by those much higher than me.

I believe in counseling soldiers, for good, bad, mentoring, everything really, and try to take the opportunity to teach and improve them and my own leadership. I think it fosters effective communication that, frankly speaking, many of my peers are underdeveloped in. Communication is a two way street, and like with my boys, I think I would be failing my soldiers if I didn't teach them how to effectively communicate and critically assess their actions and situations. It's long term and it's riskier, but the payoff is much more immense in my opinion. I say all of this, because I don't know what to do.

My soldier is literally one of those people who makes soldiering look easy. He is naturally skilled at performing his job, 300 APFT, expert shooter, proficient in law enforcement and combat training, and extremely receptive to training. He's a very intelligent soldier, both technically and tactically. Basically he makes it look easy.

But the downside is, he's a 19 year old kid... a 19 year old kid who's single in Germany as a duty station. I know how I was at 19, so honestly I don't think it is a reflection of who he is for making mistakes in his personal life. I think he's doing what every 19 year old does, FIGURING WHO THE **** HE IS. He's learning what it means to be an adult, and with that means learning how to survey his surroundings and his decision making and adjust fire where needed.

When I first picked him up in my team, I had to immediately address fraternization with an NCO, not sexual in nature, going to clubs and bars together, perceived favoritism at work. I addressed it, and counseled him and my other soldier on what fraternization and the policy is and what their responsibilities are in those situations. Problem was solved, and they both learned something. Now he and a few of his peers started frequenting a specific club off post. Long story short, he misjudged the club's intentions, and last week made one of those "2 year bites a friend, hilarious, wtf" decisions, agreeing to sign them into the installation to solicit fliers. Making matters worse, he had worked overnight, and thought for some unknown reason it was okay to leave them unaccompanied because they were his friends and a girl he was interested in. Just completely out of left field.

He was counseled, and given a plan of action that restricted his sign on privileges for six months, required a post police call of the materials, and anytime he left the Kaserne, he was to contact me prior to and after returning only with another Soldier in the platoon (on work days) and submit a 1594 with his plan of action prior to every day off for two months. Leadership outside of his immediate chain decided he would not be charged for it. All went well for a few days, but twice now in the last week, he failed to notify me prior to leaving (although the first time, he did notify me shortly thereafter), and even more troubling both times went to the same club.

Many of my peers think that he needs to just have his off post privileges revoked entirely, but no matter how I try to buy into that, I just don't agree with it. I think that there is absolutely nothing constructive to be learned from that solution, despite it being an obvious punishment. It, to me, is the easy, short term solution. The second incident occurred this evening. I chose an entirely different route, and most of my peers think "I don't get it". I'm fine with that, I genuinely care about my soldiers, and I think I am failing them if I don't allow them to grow themselves. I'm willing to risk my reputation if in the long term I can look back and see that I made an impact in helping my soldiers become better people, not just soldiers.

So instead I'm writing a memorandum notating the deviance from the PoA, and informed my squad leader so he was informed. In addition, he's now required to document his plans for every day on a 1594 for two weeks, and anything not annotated be called to me PRIOR to. Further I instructed him that for the remainder of the two months, he is to call me prior to departing for any establishment where alcohol is primarily served with a complete PoA for any and all possible scenarios of the evening. The club is now blacklisted for the unit per the commander which I agree with. And my squad leader is requiring him to complete an essay on integrity that is not just copy and paste. Any deviance from this new PoA will lead me to recommend NJP for him as he is aware.

Despite all that though, many still think he should 1. be recommended now, and 2. be restricted to post for a set amount of time. I think back to my own experiences with self control, and that still does not change my stance. I want him to go out during this time, I want him to be in those situations, and I want to continue to mentor him on how to do the right thing when no one is looking. The only way, in my opinion, for him to learn how to critically assess this and grow in this area is by continuing to guide him while allowing him to learn from his mistakes.

He has grown in these areas besides the major incident, and even called earlier today before this to ask me to counsel him on the changes to the tattoo policy so he could better understand the expected changes to the regulation. That might not sound like much, but to me, it shows that he wants to grow in his decision making and he feels comfortable coming to me as his leader when he needs guidance. I honestly don't remember more than a handful of NCOs that tried to establish that two way communication that made me feel comfortable reaching out to them for guidance without fearing I'd be treated like a moron or like I was interrupting their time. To me, it showed me that maybe I'm not so off in my approach.

I could push to crush this kid, and completely devastate his personal life, but at the end of the day, I feel like part of being a good leader is knowing when someone has to learn from their experience instead of a book or what I say. Far too often I see people break down young soldiers for mistakes, while neglecting to rehabilitate or mentor that soldier.

Anyway I apologize for rambling, I doubt most, if any will get this far in the post, but if so thank you. I just want to know, do you think this is effective leadership? How would you improve upon it? What do you disagree with? How would you proceed in the situation? I'm a young sergeant, and I'm not too proud to admit sometimes I'm wrong. Basically, I could really use some guidance, because besides my squad leader, everyone thinks I'm really failing here in this situation. I owe it to my soldiers to correct that if it is the case.

Response by SPC Elijah J. Henry, MBA made Apr 9 at 2015 8:33 PM

SPC Elijah J. Henry, MBA — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 20:33:58 -0400

I read your whole question. You seem to have thought this out thoroughly, and I believe that you have selected an optimal course of action.

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2015 8:41 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 20:41:04 -0400

Seems like you really care about your Soldiers, SGT Private RallyPoint Member. That's clear just from the amount of time you took to write this post. I say keep an eye on the Soldier and keep up the good work. He needs close supervision (I hesitate to say parenting, but that's close to what I mean), and you're just the man to provide the supervision he needs. I think he will recognize that you care about him as a Soldier, an individual, and I think that will bring him back to the path to success.

Please keep us informed on how things go in the coming weeks and months.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Apr 9 at 2015 8:52 PM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 20:52:42 -0400

Sounds like you have things under control.

Remember individuals have to be treated differently because they are different. This soldier needs 'specific' guidance in certain areas, because those are the ones that aren't easy for him (unlike the others). Nothing wrong with providing additional attention to detail where needed. It's not getting into the weeds, if history has shown it's needed.

You're looking after his welfare, not micromanaging.

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made Apr 9 at 2015 8:58 PM

TSgt Joshua Copeland — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 20:58:38 -0400

SGT Private RallyPoint Member, I had one of those super troop Airmen. More awards in 3 years than many get in their entire career all the way up to MAJCOM level. E4 below the zone, E5 first time up, a real fast burner. Unfortunately, after multiple documented counselings on his off duty "actions" it caught up with him, NJP'ed which in turn lead him being force shaped out of the Air Force.

Document, Counsel, Guide and Correct, but ultimately, they are the ones that are going to make the choice if they are going to play ball or not.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Apr 9 at 2015 9:01 PM

SGT Richard H. — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 21:01:08 -0400

I read all the way through (since you mentioned that most won't) and I do agree with your plan of action, though I would offer a couple of pieces of advice:

1) Get used to the idea that you may not be able to save everyone. Don't let that stop you from trying, but don't take it personally if he steps on his d**k no matter how hard you try. It happens.

2) Stay the course no matter how much sense #1 may make. If he falls on his face, you'll have done your best.

3) Don't succumb to the thoughts of your peers until you know you should. Very often, their "I would..." advice is born of laziness. You're doing the right thing.

Response by COL Charles Williams made Apr 9 at 2015 9:03 PM

COL Charles Williams — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 21:03:46 -0400

SGT Private RallyPoint Member First of all, you need lead the way you are comfortable, and a way that fits your personality.

- Leadership, as you know about influencing others (Your Soldiers) to accomplish the mission, it is about taking care of your Soldiers (which to me means doing whatever is needed to help those need our help and have potential), and now working to improve the organization (which includes improving each individual; or helping them improve themselves).

- Sure, you could crush him/her, or do what others recommend or do, but it sounds like you know the most, and are best qualified to decide what is best. It is apparent that you care, and that is what we need and this Soldier needs.

- I made many mistakes in my Army career, but luckily I always worked for leaders who saw the goodness in me over the dumbass. Every Soldier is different, and everyone requires a different approach. To me, that ability to treat each Solider as individual, while also ensuring each meets and exceed the standards in all areas, is what makes a great vs. a good leader. That is of course, if you believe Soldiers are the most important part of our Army.

- Finally, what this Solider needs to learn, is that on duty behavior and lifestyle needs to be congruent with off duty lifestyle and behavior. You can't have an on duty persona and an off duty persona with regards to Army Values and standards. If you do, these two personas will eventually collide. As a leader, as you know, you are doing this 24/7. This is especially important for an MP Soldier a future MP leader.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 9 at 2015 10:02 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 22:02:54 -0400

I thought of three things:
1. Care about your soldiers professionally and personally which I commend you for doing.
2. A lot of young are risk takers by nature, and risk takers are dangerous types.
3. Many young men think taking that small risk is ok because the probability of it happening is negligible, even if the consequences are huge. They need to understand the risk/reward relationship.

Response by SSG Thomas Brousseau made Apr 9 at 2015 10:10 PM

SSG Thomas Brousseau — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 22:10:46 -0400

You must remind the Soldiers of the ramifications of un-professional behavior during a time when the Army is down sizing and looking to get rid of Soldiers.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2015 11:46 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 23:46:23 -0400

Address the specific behaviors as inappropriate/detrimental. Acknowledge the competence that has been displayed. If possible offer alternative choices too the detrimental behaviors. Make sure they understand that they have a freedom of choice. But also ensure that they understand that choices have consequences. The biggest factor might be: "do they WANT to change?". If they seem willing/happy to accept the negative consequences of their actions, convincing them to change may be difficult.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2015 5:35 AM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 05:35:24 -0400

I agree with pretty much what you did. I would have tweaked it a bit but I am monday morning quarterbacking it.

What I would have done.
1. Counsel him and require him to write an essay, using APA format, stating what was the mistake and how his actions led up to the situation that led t the mistake. Then I would reverse engineer it and have his also explain how such an environment is conducive to such behavior. It would be a long paper. I would put it at 2500 words.

2. He wouldn't be able to leave post until it was complete and evaluated. I would evaluate it on the content. If he didn't understand how he made a mistake in the first place then he is going to make it again. Which he did. If he didn't meet the intent of the assignment or understand how he contributed to it he would receive an F and he would have to do it over again.

By this he would have to analyse the mistakes made and explain how he made poor decisions. He should also understand that the establishment is not one that is should be visited by soldiers.

I am a Type A but I have evolved past the yelling. I will at times but you really got to screw up. The issue here at hand is that regardless if he is squared away or not justice must be fair and impartial. If it was another soldier that was not as squared away would he have been treated the same. If not, then there is favoritism. He may have known this or felt like "they really like me and they won't mess with if I get caught." It sounds like it may have worked. The golden boys know they are golden. They know how to play the game. They are great soldiers and they know it.

I would pick out a random guy in your squad and think how would you have dealt with it if he did it. Would it be the same? If not then that is only going to be problems down the road. What really concerns me is how he made the same mistake twice. It just seems to me like he is playing the system. The whole calling you on the tattoo policy seems to be a ploy to me. I hope I am wrong but I think he has you pegged. He knows what to do to gain favor. If he is as bright you claim and is great at soldiering I find it out to believe he doesn't understand the tattoo policy. I have seen this before. Soldiers have tried this with me. It is something that you have to watch out for.

2.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2015 11:50 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 11:50:48 -0400

It sounds like only time will tell if your approach ends up being the best. But it also sounds like you are already doing a fantastic job. I had so little experience with NCOs willing to go that extra mile that it is a challenge I face myself.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2015 11:55 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 11:55:07 -0400

If only all leaders were so deliberate and detailed in their approach to leading those that follow them...

Great plan of action SGT Private RallyPoint Member and some excellent professionals have given some good additional counsel as well. For whatever you do, what I wish I would have done when I was a younger leader, was to "war game" it out. If you ask him to do "X", what do you anticipate his reaction to be? If you suspend his privileges or restrict him to post he will...? If you make him write essays, he reacts by...

Leading is hard. Being a really good leader is even harder. Not everyone reacts the same, but clearly you have a good sense of this soldier and trust your instincts when deciding in which direction you will go/recommend.

One note of caution, of which many of us have been burned. I would guess you have known this soldier for a fraction of your own career. You have put a great deal of effort into being who you are today, a successful NCO and strong leader. When I now see inconsistencies in peoples actions on and off duty -- or in opposition from one setting to another (garrison/field, combat, home station), I am suspicious, if only because I have seen and have been burned by those that played the game better than I thought they could.

I do not advocate that you treat him with suspicion, at least not openly. But I don't think you should be surprised if in the end he lets' you down because he wasn't who he seemed to be.

I have had commanders and First Sergeants stand in front of my desk and go "all in" for a soldier whom they believed - or rather wanted to believe -- only to get burned by them sometime in the future. Often this is with drug tests, but I have seen it with drinking, domestic abuse and other problems, most all in similar situations as your short novella outlined: off-duty trouble balanced against a spectacular on-duty performance.

Do what you think best, but do not sacrifice your hard work and reputation 100% if you don't have to, or if you have any doubt. Once you put yourself totally on the line, if you get burned by that soldier you can't get your reputation back (totally) and that soldier won't care.

I sincerely hope this works out. I sincerely hope those you lead appreciate you as a leader.

Response by SPC David S. made Apr 10 at 2015 11:59 AM

SPC David S. — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 11:59:17 -0400

I would agree but would lay down some firm boundaries and clearly define the repercussions of violated these boundaries. Holding one accountable for their actions is not a bad thing as you have stated you've learned from your own experiences that there is a result of your actions. Also do not take it personally when or if your troopers screw up. I think they will realize that they played a part in their troubles as you clearly exemplify a NCO who is looking out for their best interest. You can lead a horse to water but it doesn't mean it will drink it even if you drown them in it.

Response by COL Ted Mc made Apr 10 at 2015 12:25 PM

COL Ted Mc — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 12:25:45 -0400

Sergeant; Since I don't know either of the parties involved personally, I haven't the foggiest idea if your approach IS THE correct on in this situation or not.

HOWEVER, it does appear that it is an approach which SHOULD work if applied consistently and also one which will yield greater long-term benefits than simply dropping a hammer on the young soldier's head.

ADDITIONALLY, it appears to be an approach which you are comfortable with and have enough experience with to know that it CAN work if consistently applied.

On balance I'd say "Go for it." - but don't let the young soldier get away with a thing until he's shown that he has (at least) STARTED his remediation.

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2015 2:47 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 14:47:35 -0400

I cant stand NCO's who jump straight into paperwork or taking away privileges when other options are available. Sometimes this is the answer, but only when alternatives have failed. Keep up the effort you are putting forth, it will make you a better NCO. Keep in mind that not all troops can be saved, no matter how much effort you put into it. Hopefully this kid will pull through and make your efforts worth it, however if he does not, do not change your ways. Those that disagree and suggest the "easy path" are doing so because they themselves are not willing to put forth the effort required to be a good mentor.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Apr 19 at 2015 11:26 AM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Sun, 19 Apr 2015 11:26:32 -0400

Is he a natural risk takers? Some risk takers are born, many are risk takers due to age. Find out if the post administers the Pace personality test. If not google it.