How do you keep calm with your children?

PFC James (LURCH) Janota — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 15:44:56 -0500

I was in the Dentist office with my kids and my Son, who has ASD, was fighting the Dentist and prevented him in doing what he needed to be done. I got aggravated and started to get a little hostile towards my Son. All I want is the best for him but he needs to have certain things done and I guess I'm not doing things right. I've been through books and a few counseling sessions to try and learn how to handle both of our anxieties. Nothing seems to be working. He's 13 years old and I should have already had this licked by now.

Response by SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth made Feb 24 at 2020 3:46 PM

SGT David A. 'Cowboy' Groth — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 15:46:04 -0500

All that I had to do is give my son the evil eye.

Response by CSM Charles Hayden made Feb 24 at 2020 3:50 PM

CSM Charles Hayden — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 15:50:52 -0500

Continue seeking assistance from professionals. And be professional, not angry with your son. PFC James (LURCH) Janota
Being an Alzheimer’s caregiver caused me to attend and benefit from several classes.

Use, “If he could, he would”, as just a little mantra for you to focus on and think about when there is a problem.

Response by CH (CPT) James L. Machado Workman made Feb 24 at 2020 3:55 PM

CH (CPT) James L. Machado Workman — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 15:55:13 -0500

Children with ASD do not necessarily respond to more “traditional” approaches to parenting particularly when they are distressed. If possible you may want to try to find a dentist who specializes in pediatrics and maybe even has experience with ASD children. Depending on where your son falls on the spectrum going to the dentist could present significant challenges for him. As for how to handle yourself-be patient with yourself. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and that you are a good enough parent. That’s all you have to be. Try to find compassion for yourself and your son and remember that your dentist deals with all kinds of patients. Your son’s response to his anxiety or the overwhelming stimulation of being at the dentist IS NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR PARENTING. It’s just his stress reaction and that’s all. Breeth deeply and be proud that you made the time to take him to the dentist.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 24 at 2020 4:06 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 16:06:36 -0500

The only suggestion I can offer is to know when to walk away and gain your composure. It is NOT your responsibility to lick his problem. Your role is a supporting parent which you are, ASD is different in each person. You have an exceptional child who needs an exceptional doctor, which you may have and perhaps he has been under his care too long. Perhaps it is a medication issue or some other imbalances. Find counseling for yourself. A few sessions will not get the job done. Interview therapist, you are the client and see what they offer. Talk to God or whatever your belief is as it can provide that peace of mind you require to deal with this exceptional son of yours.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 24 at 2020 4:20 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 16:20:23 -0500

It isn't easy.
I struggle with this too.

Response by SFC Michael Hasbun made Feb 24 at 2020 4:23 PM

SFC Michael Hasbun — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 16:23:31 -0500

Nyquil ahead of time ;)

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 24 at 2020 9:22 PM

SGM Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 21:22:18 -0500

Two things you need to know about this.
1. You don't "fight" ASD and you will never "lick" ASD. Success is measured by how well your family and your son adapt to ASD and given situations, because ASD will always be there.
2. There are dentists (and pediatricians, and a range of services) that specialize in special needs. You find the right one that fits. We went through multiple dentists that specialize in ASD, and my 12 yr old son fought it tooth and nail (pun intended), but our current one is so good we got through the gamut of xrays and cleaning with no issues at all. So you keep looking, trying and adapting. It's like anything in life, it never gets easier, but you get better at it, a little at a time.

Response by LT Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 24 at 2020 10:58 PM

LT Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 22:58:34 -0500

Our 2nd of 4 is on the spectrum. I know how you feel. Sometimes he just rears up and does the unexpected without warning. My wife and I have read many different books, and are now using "natural consequences" with some success. There are still times when I lose my temper with him and times my wife does. We do best when we take turns...of course this applies to all the kids as well! Some days are a win and some are a loss...don't beat yourself up too much over one or two incidents, learn from them and don't make the same mistake tomorrow.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Feb 25 at 2020 11:58 AM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 11:58:11 -0500

Good answers in this string, especially CH (CPT) James L. Machado Workman & CSM Charles Hayden. As a full-time caregiver, it's often difficult for me to remember that the care recipient's problems and afflictions aren't mine. Your role is to react appropriately with love and kindness to what's going on. Keep up with the reading and counseling. Be sure to tell medical providers about his problems before treatment starts.

I did my part in raising three kids. In their teen years they will all act in ways that might make you want to kill them from time to time. Fortunately love and compassion kicks in and you let them live. The long-term reward for letting the teenagers live and helping them grow into productive adults is grandchildren. You'll learn it's an incredibly short time from 13 to 23.

I wish you and your family the best of blessings. Hang in there.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Feb 26 at 2020 1:21 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 01:21:43 -0500

I'm told that I'm very patient and calm. My son is also ASD. Only you can make you calm, that comes from inside. I've found my son does not respond at all to raising my voice. The calmer I talk the better. My non ASD Daughter needs to be yelled at some times.