Holiday Blues, A Veteran’s Perspective

SSG Dave Yeager — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 12:26:22 -0500

I remember the holidays, the period between Thanksgiving and the start of the new year as probably the darkest time of the year for me. This is supposed to be a time when families come together and share food, and gifts, and stories, and love. None of this was true for me. For almost five years, while on active duty in the Army, I struggled. I struggled with stress, fear, depression, anxiety, and loneliness. I spent the better part of that time away from my family, and as a leader in a high stress environment, and was taught to set my feelings aside to drive on with the mission. I felt more alone during that period than I had in my entire life. But I couldn’t tell anyone that because to admit that would be to show weakness. So, I gambled. It was readily available to me and offered and escape from what I didn’t want to deal with. I developed a serious gambling addiction which got me in trouble, and ultimately released from the Army.

I was released from active duty with no idea how to deal with the pain I was carrying. I hurt. I felt lost. I didn’t sleep for days at a time. I lost weight, a lot of weight. I thought I could tough it out. After all, that’s what the Army taught me to do, “suck it up and drive on”. But each time I would get around family during the holidays I felt more distant. No one could possibly understand the hurt, the shame, the embarrassment, I was going through, no one! I felt trapped. I was down the rabbit hole and didn’t see a way out. When someone would notice how distant I was, they would ask if I was okay. My answer was always the same, “I’m good”. I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up the next day. When I kept waking up, I eventually tried to end things myself. I tried this four times, three of these times were during the holidays. In hindsight I think it was a scream for help, even though I was convinced no one would understand anyway. I never felt so trapped. I disconnected from everyone I loved. In part, this was because I had alienated, lied to, or isolated from just about everyone. I avoided family and friends during the holidays, while still hoping they would give me gifts that would help me to continue feeding my addiction.

I reached a point where I loathed the holidays. I wanted nothing to do with them. The holidays were for normal, happy people, not crazy people like me that no one could ever understand. I had more thoughts of ending everything and gambled more between November and January than I did at any other time of the year.

I am nowhere near alone. Veterans, who have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and (like me) addictions like gambling can be more heavily impacted during the holidays. Gambling, and other addictions often feel like they provide an escape from these unwanted feelings. The problem comes when the binge is over and the shame, guilt, and regrets kick in. These feelings get piled on to an already heavy dose of depression and anxiety and make the season even less bright. I can remember seeing people at a mall or on the street and thinking “why can’t I just be normal like them?” It can be a painful and heavy time of year, and it can feel like it's never going to end. But I’m here to tell you, there’s hope!

The first thing I think anyone in this situation needs to realize is that you are not alone. I remember thinking that no one could ever understand the crazy thoughts going through my head, the crazy things I was feeling, or the crazy things I did. This is simply not true. Once I started to let go, and seek help, I came to realize there were more people who “got it” than I ever knew. I think that’s one of the keys to overcoming the holiday blues, connection. Find a way to connect with others who get it. It could be a 12-step group like alcoholics or gamblers anonymous. It could be smart recovery or recovery Darma. It could be a veterans’ group like a PTSD group. Just make a connection because the power in a group of people with similar visions is far greater than any individual in that group. Seek recovery. If, as in my case, gambling or some other addiction seems in control, find treatment as quickly as possible. This is a huge step because it involves admitting there’s a problem and being willing to face that problem head-on. Finally, embrace the suck! Stepping into a different way of doing things requires learning a new way of thinking, and believing, and doing. Be willing to get uncomfortable for a bit. That doesn’t last forever. As you start to understand you better, and make connections, and step into recovery, it becomes more natural. It’s kind of like breaking in a new pair of shoes…or boots.

Here’s the bottom line. There is hope. There is a better way. We don’t need to suffer holiday blues. We need to acknowledge, become willing, and step into a new way of doing things, and the holidays can be bright again.

My name is Dave. I am an eleven -year veteran of the U.S. Army, and in recovery for a gambling addiction.

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Response by SSgt Richard Kensinger made Dec 23 at 2022 12:34 PM

SSgt Richard Kensinger — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 12:34:03 -0500

Social connections enhance well being and the oppsite confers considerable risk.
Rich

Response by COL Randall C. made Dec 23 at 2022 12:44 PM

COL Randall C. — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 12:44:30 -0500

Thank you for sharing your struggle and personal demons Dave.

As you mentioned, we are not alone. There is a plethora of help available, but the issue sadly is that many feel burdened or 'lesser' for reaching out.

A simple sentence is all that is needed - "I'm hurting and would like some help".

If someone said those words, the outpouring of advice and resources that can be tapped into from the veteran community on RallyPoint or any veteran organizations would be immediate and immense.

Why? Because we DO understand what you're going though. Some have been touched heavily and some have been touched lightly, but we all have been touched in some form or fashion.

Response by SP5 Dennis Loberger made Dec 23 at 2022 2:46 PM

SP5 Dennis Loberger — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 14:46:57 -0500

As I've said about my own deployment, surrounded by people and still feeling alone

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 23 at 2022 6:45 PM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 18:45:15 -0500

Prayers brother!

Response by SFC David Reid, M.S, PHR, SHRM-CP, DTM made Dec 23 at 2022 8:14 PM

SFC David Reid, M.S, PHR, SHRM-CP, DTM — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 20:14:28 -0500

Thanks for sharing your story! Success in the game of life is a marathon with many hills and mountains to climb! Always keep your eye on the prize!

Response by Sgt Joseph Kennedy made Dec 24 at 2022 7:05 PM

Sgt Joseph Kennedy — Sat, 24 Dec 2022 19:05:57 -0500

Durning the holidays , I had the privilege to over see the safety of my fellow soldiers. My job always required me to be on call 24/7. I served in both US Air Force & Navy, then to the Dept. of Defense, supporting the Army. I was a EMT, and Law Enforcement besides a electronic technician. I found it special to work to allow those who had families to spend time at home. I felt so special when families would stop at the gate and wish me a Happy or merry what ever the holiday was. In closing I and all the military knew, they chose to be ready to do there job , which required them being away from there family's and even from there country. And to possible to give up there life.
Marry / happy pick which every holiday is your favorite, know you can be safe and you can enjoy because your friend, neighbor, and family member is in the military, law enforcement , fire, etc. are on the job and happily servicing to keep us all safe and free
Joseph C Kennedy, Jr. US Air Force & US Navy, DOD (Army) DAV

Response by Cpl Vic Burk made Dec 25 at 2022 10:53 AM

Cpl Vic Burk — Sun, 25 Dec 2022 10:53:23 -0500

SSG Dave Yeager Thank you for your story, Brother Dave. I understand you pain of not fitting in and staying isolated from family. I understand about putting up the good front because it would make one feel weak. I did the same thing all four years I was in. It wasn't until I found my girlfriend, now wife of forty-two years that I understood what a "family" really was.
I never went "home" for the holidays because I didn't really have a home to go to. I signed at seventeen. After boot camp I went back to my home of record to retrieve what was left of my stuff and car and never went back.
Getting help is the answer and realizing that your feelings are not unique like we all believed at the time. Asking for help is the hardest step in recovery from anything.

Response by PVT Bobbi Adams made Dec 25 at 2022 11:52 AM

PVT Bobbi Adams — Sun, 25 Dec 2022 11:52:08 -0500

Take a walk around the corner. I feel better now. But after spending over $60 at the store Im feeling guilty. I wish I were rich!

Response by 1stSgt Frank Neal made Dec 28 at 2022 7:50 PM

1stSgt Frank Neal — Wed, 28 Dec 2022 19:50:02 -0500

I've lost so many friends I've deployed with during this timefame that the holidays are amongst the hardest of times for me, personally.

Response by MSgt Leilani Mariotti made Dec 29 at 2022 12:58 PM

MSgt Leilani Mariotti — Thu, 29 Dec 2022 12:58:03 -0500

I too dealt with loneliness during the holidays. I was stationed at Kunsan AB, and really missed my husband. He was no longer in the Air Force and was stateside. I sat on Santa's lap and told him that I wanted my husband to come there for a visit. Well, I then went to the local ticket office in Kunsan and bought a ticket for him. Luckily my rank allowed me a room to myself as my former roommate and I now shared the bathroom between us in the new dorms. He was to be there for a visit and it sure helped my mood to improve. That ticket really helped.

Response by SFC Leon Amer made Jan 5 at 2023 1:02 PM

SFC Leon Amer — Thu, 05 Jan 2023 13:02:15 -0500

Thank you for finding the courage to share your story, Dave ! I struggle with this time of year also, though not to the same extent as you. My darkness, apart from the shortage of daylight hours in upstate NY, stems from a long-standing case of depression and a late-in-life diagnosis of ASD, which affected me from middle school onwards, before there was even a name for "autism". My family history is all water downstream past the ruins of burnt bridges. All I have now is my wife and furbabies. Too much drama with in-laws, so I let her deal with them and I sit those events out. I feel left out of all the holiday cheer and marketing aimed at 25-45 y/o folks, not retirees on Social Security. My major social activity is golf, but this time of year in this area that's just on TV, and without cable or streaming it's only a couple hours on weekends ... until NCAA hoops tourny time. Thank God for my wife and the VA, for without them, I'd have been gone years ago.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 7 at 2023 7:48 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 07 Jan 2023 07:48:35 -0500

Thank you so much for the share. This is something I needed to see at this time.

Response by Maj Irma Groot made Jan 23 at 2023 1:35 AM

Maj Irma Groot — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 01:35:47 -0500

One day at a time, Dave! here's to tomorrow!