Grief Awareness Day: How I Learned to Honor My Husband and Myself

Rita Tautolo — Mon, 28 Aug 2023 08:46:14 -0400

My husband, SGT Tofiga Tautolo, Army, would have turned 35 years old this month. Instead, our family recently honored the anniversary of his passing. It’s been 11 years since his death on May 27, 2012, and though my sadness has eased, grief and grieving continue to be a part of my life.

For Grief Awareness Day, I’d like to share some of my journey.

For many years after Tofiga’s death, I struggled. I struggled to be in a world without my husband, and struggled to find who I was without him. In 2017 while on a search for community, I attended Gary Sinise Foundation’s Snowball Express with many other Gold Star family members. At that event, I learned of Travis Manion Foundation (TMF). Women just like me, surviving spouses, spoke so highly of this organization and the many resources that it offered to veterans and families of the fallen.

I researched and found that TMF provides Survivor Expeditions specifically for Gold Star family members, traveling to places like Alaska to serve local communities and form connections with other survivors. I took a leap and signed up for an Expedition. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect. I went seeking adventure, but I left with so much more.

The community of other survivors I’ve found through TMF has been like no other. There’s an almost indescribable depth of connection; one of those important, lasting moments where you're like “I wish it was under better circumstances, but I truly am grateful to meet you.” Learning and actually believing that I am no longer alone was life changing for me. Seeing other survivors at different points in their grief journeys gave me strength, and it gave me courage to be my whole self, grief and all, while honoring my loss. Now, this community is a constant in my life; they help me celebrate my good days and get through my hard days.

Most importantly, finding a community of others who have faced the same challenge has empowered me. To be able to take my pain and use it to ease someone else’s burden is a wonderful feeling. My husband was a very kind-hearted person. It was what I loved about him the most. Tofiga would put everyone else’s needs before his own. To be able to honor him through service - and to do it alongside others - I know he would be proud of me.

If you are a surviving family member, my advice is to find a community that understands you and your journey. Surround yourself with people who motivate you to be a better version of yourself. People who can help you see that there is still good in the world, and that you can be a part of it.

With the help of TMF I have found joy and purpose in serving others. I have discovered my own voice and strength and realized that sharing my story not only helps me with my healing process but it can also be beneficial for others. I am thriving, and I no longer feel left behind.

Go to https://rly.pt/TMFsurvivors to learn more and to honor yourself and your loved one.

To learn more about Travis Manion Foundation, click here: https://rly.pt/TMF

Expeditions

TMF provides family members of fallen heroes and veterans the opportunity to process grief by serving alongside others. Participants in our fully funded, single and multi-day expeditions have made a difference in communities through service projects, while gaining strength from new bonds with one another.

Response by MSgt James Parker made Aug 29 at 2023 2:41 AM

MSgt James Parker — Tue, 29 Aug 2023 02:41:11 -0400

Rita Tautolo thank you for this story.

Response by CDR Andrew McMenamin, PhD made Aug 29 at 2023 2:08 PM

CDR Andrew McMenamin, PhD — Tue, 29 Aug 2023 14:08:25 -0400

Awesome!

Response by SGT Ruben Lozada made Aug 29 at 2023 8:02 PM

SGT Ruben Lozada — Tue, 29 Aug 2023 20:02:23 -0400

Good evening Rita Tautolo. Excellent post. Thank you for sharing this.

Response by LTC David Brown made Aug 31 at 2023 4:41 PM

LTC David Brown — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 16:41:15 -0400

I hope people lost and in pain from losing a service member find hope in your sharing your story!

Response by CPT Aaron Kletzing made Sep 5 at 2023 8:50 PM

CPT Aaron Kletzing — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 20:50:41 -0400

thank you for being so brave to share your family's story.

Response by PO2 Michael Berry made Sep 28 at 2023 6:36 AM

PO2 Michael Berry — Thu, 28 Sep 2023 06:36:01 -0400

Rita,
I am sorry for your loss. I am glad than you have found some kind of peace with the group TMF. Good luck and may peace be with you.

Response by SSG Eric Blue made Oct 13 at 2023 4:15 PM

SSG Eric Blue — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 16:15:18 -0400

Tahnks for sharing your story, Rita. It reminds me that I'm not the only one having a rough time. At least you've gotten help. I haven't yet. Be blessed, okay?