Getting ready for a divorce...any help would be awesome..... I'm kinda scared.

2015-08-28T23:27:26-04:00

Response by SSG Toryn Green made Aug 28 at 2015 11:30 PM

2015-08-28T23:30:37-04:00

Man, been there done that. Try and be as civil as you can. It will make the process much easier. Do you have children?

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 29 at 2015 2:14 AM

2015-08-29T02:14:05-04:00

Twenty-five years ago, Larry, when I came home one fateful night after work and found an empty home, I first thought we'd been burglarized. When it finally sunk in what had happened, I went into the family room leaned against the wall, slide down it until my butt hit the floor and my knees were up in my chest. That's where my recliner had been. I looked across the room at the opposite wall, where the TV once sat, and stared at that empty space for FOUR solid hours, without moving once. I can't even remember breathing. The phone was ringing off the hook. I would later learn that several of "my" friends helped my eventual Ex to begin the entire move right after I left for work that morning. It had all been planned out in advance. She'd even signed a lease on a condo three months earlier. I had been wondering why some of bills weren't being paid.

The difference between you and me, Larry, is that you know your divorce is coming. If everything has been tried to save the marriage, or you have both mutually agreed that this ain't happening anymore, then you are well ahead of the curve. I was completely blindsided. 'Nuther story.

Anyhow, here's my advice:

1. Forget the books your friends will suggest you read about divorce. That's someone else's response to it on their terms.

2. Take no one's personal advice, even from your best friend. That was his experience. You have to walk this path by yourself. Only you can respond to the changes that will occur in ways that will make you comfortable. NO book can teach you that. ZIP. NADA.

3. Please, do not attend some Self-Help group counseling for post-decree divorcees. After one meeting, you'll need a Shrink for three years!!!

4. Most importantly, if it is really, truly over, shut that door and lock it. I literally burned photos out in the backyard over my new BBQ grill...the relief it gave me was palpable. It wasn't vindictiveness, but more like a cleansing. For me, it was necessary, and it worked wonders for my self-esteem.

5. Jump back into life immediately. Church, work, ballgames with buddies. Pity parties will "kill" your recovery time.

6. If there are kids, this will be harder on them. Never show them anger, or bitterness, or regrets. Enjoy your time with them, but be ready to LISTEN. A LOT!!! Major important!!!

7. Remember Rules #1 and #2. My experience and this advice is what I learned ON MY OWN. I listened to no one, I read no books. I watched no videos. Those were other people's answers and solutions. I didn't have to read one single page of one single book to know it would do nothing for me. I was walking on virgin ground. I had to go it alone and feel my way through it, day by day. The first two days, I worked, spoke very little to anyone, and told no one anything. But the third day was a near complete collapse as the full realization of what had happened and what I was facing finally set in. Then I set about doing the things I wrote above and next.

8. The most important thing I forced myself to comprehend was that the things I lost in the divorce, whether small or substantial, were all "boxes of stuff." I needed to, and I did, convince myself it was just stuff. Stuff I could replace or stuff with which I no longer needed to be identified. That was the second major mental cleansing I needed to experience.

9. Remember, your marriage didn't begin in one day, I'm sure. Neither will this major alteration to it and your reconciliation with it occur in twenty-four hours. It will take time. YOU are the keeper of that clock. And only you.

10. What I've written was the prescription I wrote for myself, just as the clock ticked away from the first moment it all slapped me in the head to the day I finally woke up and had not one single thought about what had been. That was a good day. And I can't begin to tell you what date it was, either. Because it was just another day for me.

SPC Larry Boutwell: Good luck. There's a very favorite book of mine entitled, " Don't Sweat The Small Stuff......And It's All Small Stuff!!!" It can be read in one hour. I've read it scores of times. I've learned that most of life really is made of small stuff. Inconsequential stuff and the few things that really are significant stuff. It's your turn to figure what goes in those two columns for yourself. That's why I've told you from the beginning that this is where you can only work this out yourself. Only you can list what goes in those two columns in your life. No book nor any other person can do it for you.

Response by SSG Leo Bell made Aug 29 at 2015 2:22 AM

2015-08-29T02:22:08-04:00

I know I just kept busy. I didn't stay in the house I always found something to do. I stayed in church. Which helped. If there are children just spend as much time with them as you can. Being a father and being in there lives will be the best thing you can do. If you have children that is. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 29 at 2015 2:48 AM

2015-08-29T02:48:18-04:00

SPC Larry Boutwell, I am further down the path - I expect my wife to move out in a month or so. We should finalize things before year's end.
I believe that we hit on a novel approach. When she hit me with the news shortly after I returned home from Africa, I was devastated. I stayed that way for about six months as life unraveled and I discovered the depth of the problem.
We have three children together in our 16 plus years of marriage, 9, 8, and 3. Once the realization that it was really over and not going to get fixed sunk in, I went to work on the desired outcome. The children were my priority. I sat down with Melissa and we talked it out. It took many sessions, but eventually reality and what was best for the kids won out.
What is unique about us is that we are basically figuring out the entirety of the divorce terms between us. This saves a fortune in attorney fees and untold amounts of goodwill. We obviously don't completely agree, but once the broad brushstrokes were figured out, the rest came together.

She left our finances in shambles, my trust in people badly damaged, and I've watched her devolve in front of my eyes, but we will be OK.

Change is hard. You lived with her. You shared dreams and memories together. You swore to be with one another forever, and now it isn't going to be.
Take the time to grieve.
Then get back on the horse and live. Travel. Play cards with the guys. Go on the long fishing weekends that she always gave you a hard time about. Watch the game on TV, and invite the neighbors over for a burger and a beer.
You aren't alone.
If there is any help and insight I can offer, all you need do is ask.
Good luck, Larry.

Response by PVT Robert Gresham made Aug 29 at 2015 6:29 AM

2015-08-29T06:29:48-04:00

SPC Larry Boutwell Don't be scared ....... this isn't the end of your Life........it is just the end of one "chapter", and the beginning of another.

You don't mention if there are any children from the marriage. If so, the top point from my view is that the children are hurt as little as possible in the process. It may be difficult, but you and your wife need to try to be calm and civil when discussing legal matters, especially when your children may be in the area. That can make all the difference for all of you in the future.

The only other piece of advice I can give you is: Try to separate on the best possible terms. Yelling and screaming will not solve anything, and will as a matter of fact, only make EVERYTHING much more difficult. The same goes for talking bad about your spouse to friends and acquaintances. If you can divorce and remain friendly it will definitely be the best possible solution.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 29 at 2015 2:33 PM

2015-08-29T14:33:20-04:00

I am here if you need a mentor.

Response by SPC Larry Boutwell made Aug 29 at 2015 2:35 PM

2015-08-29T14:35:00-04:00

Holy shit i kept my marriage though two deployments but aperently i cant keep it with out the army ...... Cant believe how apperenlty normal this is....

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made Aug 29 at 2015 11:35 PM

2015-08-29T23:35:50-04:00

Lawyers: you get what you pay for.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 30 at 2015 12:03 AM

2015-08-30T00:03:24-04:00

The divorce hurt me in so many ways: financially and not being able to see the kids, but I took the high road because honor, what I promised, and future regrets propelled me to act without me even having to think about it, because I could see what was right and true.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 31 at 2015 11:16 AM

2015-08-31T11:16:31-04:00

Larry... a wise man once told me that divorce is always a good thing, because it never happens to a functional relationship. I have gone through a divorce myself and it was the very best thing for me. It actually was the best thing for her too (may karma catch up with her). It is a hard thing because you face uncertainty - but it will be good. In a few years you will see how much better off you are.

Response by SGT Ben Keen made Aug 31 at 2015 1:09 PM

2015-08-31T13:09:06-04:00

I've been there and gotten the tshirt too SPC Larry Boutwell. The comment that SCPO Private RallyPoint Member gave is really good but as he said, even his own advise should only be taken in the context of your situation.

One thing I would tell you is be very, very, very careful of not only what you say, but who you say it to. Keep it off social media! You never know who is talking to who and what is being seen. Maintain yourself and your discipline. Do not let it go down into a shouting match because no one wins there. If you have children, stay involved in what they are doing. Focus on you and getting yourself squared away. Invest time into that before trying to invest time into another relationship. Find a constructive outlet. Times will get bad, you may only see the darkness around you but trust me my brother, those of us that bee through this before can tell you, the darkness will rise and things will be okay.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 31 at 2015 1:48 PM

2015-08-31T13:48:52-04:00

From a financial stand point:

1.) split your bank accounts if they arent already, and withdraw joint savings.

2.) Don't give her any money until she leaves the residence, shes not entitled to any of your BAH until you she has either moved out of the house you have provided or post housing.

3.) if you want to keep your BAH and you know that she has a volitile personality, push her buttons until she explodes. Let her assault you, and when she does have the authorities on speed dial. DO NOT TOUCH HER IN THIS PROCESS, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, TRUST ME IT WILL PAY DIVIDENDS! This excludes you from having to pay her your BAH (unless you two have children that are moving with her, in which case you will still owe a portion of it to her for the children)

4.) if you don't have kids together then don't get a lawyer. With a littlee leg work and google (maybe some legal paper from JAG) you can file for the divorce and do everything yourself. Worst case scenario is that she contests and you two have to go into arbitration for division of assest and debts (thats right buddy anY debts you two accrued while married, regardless of whos name they are under, are both of your debts). This will save you around 2K$

5.) start hiding the shit you want out of the house

6.) anything that was yours before you two were married isn't considered joint property, so if you shes threatening to take your car that you purchased before you were married, its not going to happen. Don't ever be afraid of her uneducated threats.

7.) communicate moslty through email that way there are documented records

i've got a lot more but those are some big things.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 1 at 2015 8:02 AM

2015-09-01T08:02:36-04:00

Layer up, any kids?

Response by SGT David Crutchfield made Sep 1 at 2015 8:05 AM

2015-09-01T08:05:16-04:00

Almost everybody I know that came back and/or has separated from servis,including myself have gone down the same path. When the smoke clears and the pain subsides,you will be ok.Alot of people can't or won't deal with our after military life. If there are children involved try to maintain a positive relationship we the ex as much as possible for the kids sake and make sure the kids understand that it is not their fault. Try to stay in communications with them as much as possible. They always take the biggest hit.

Response by CPT Pedro Meza made Sep 1 at 2015 2:01 PM

2015-09-01T14:01:49-04:00

SPC Larry Boutwell, if you have children and are able to care for them ensure that you get joint custody therefore you have 6 months with your kids, if not make sure that you make child support payments that you can pay. Also stay friendly, never fight look for solutions.

Response by SGT Rick Ash made Sep 1 at 2015 4:09 PM

2015-09-01T16:09:19-04:00

SPC Larry Boutwell
First thing. If she has a lawyer and you don't, get one. Do not raise your voice or do anything against her, it WILL be used against you. It is an awful feeling I am sure but you won't die, just hang in there. Don't hope for it but, she may come running back after a few months. I'll say a prayer for you and I wish you the best of luck.
Rick

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Sep 1 at 2015 4:38 PM

2015-09-01T16:38:00-04:00

A lot of good advice here, some will be beneficial to you and some won't. This process is completely different for everyone, because it is your life. I will reiterate some of the things that worked well when I went through mine. First, do not dwell on blame or pity, it will get you nowhere fast. Don't get caught up on being mad either, you will be mad, it is a natural part of the process, but don't let it move in. Life continues, use this as a lesson and make whatever changes required to be a better you in the future. My divorce was ugly and costly, but at the end of it, I am much happier a person. I chose to not date at all for three years (it worked for me, I used that time to make necessary changes in my life). I have been married to my current wife for almost 15 years and couldn't be happier! You will have bad days, reach out to those of us who has been through this process and use us as a sound board. Do NOT lean on someone who is still bitter and angry, it will only make you the same.
Most importantly, your kids need you! They love you and your soon to be ex, try not to put them in the middle to be used as pawns. God Bless brother, it will all work out, you are not the first or the last to have to go through this...