Dumbest excuses you've ever received from a Soldier

2014-08-26T14:03:03-04:00

Soldiers never cease to amaze me with their ingenuity at trying to get out of trouble. Some unimaginative sorts try excuses that didn't work with their mother when they were six; other concoct a very imaginative and well-researched accountability avoidance plan. What is the most memorable excuse you've ever heard?
If you are bold, what is the best excuse you've ever given - bonus points if you got away with it; double bonus points if you continue to get away with it after posting it on Rally Point.

My entry:
I once had an LT report to my unit after a deployment overseas as an enlisted Soldier. She had recently been direct commissioned as an officer. She reported to the S-1 shop for in-processing, and I got the job. All was fine, a fair amount of paperwork due to the MPC change, mostly, until we got into RLAS and I encountered a FLAG for HT/WT that was about three years old. Several red flags went up, i.e. how did she get a direct commission with a FLAG?
So I asked. The response did not inspire confidence. She said, "oh, that one is old. You can take it off." Incredulous, I looked her up and down. Let's just say she was not in compliance, and I doubt sincerely she ever was in between.
I said, "Surely you have a copy of a DA 5501 that shows you in compliance. You would have needed one for your DC packet."
She says no, she does not, but "you can take my word for it, I am an officer."
Hmmm... no. I say, "And I am an E-7, and I wasn't born yesterday".
She says, "But you don't understand, I won't be able to be promoted or go to OBC".
I say, "I do understand. Lucky for you, ma'am, there is an APFT today so we can clear this up right now."
She says, in true JAG officer style (no offence JAGs, this is a left-handed compliment. Don't sue me.), "Well, I am exempt from taking the PT Test since I get 90 days to acclimatize."
I say, "I am not sure what acclimatization is necessary when transferring from Green Bay to Minneapolis. Nor am I sure when the process will end since you live in Eastern Wisconsin. However, you are technically correct, you don't have to take the APFT today because you have reported to a new unit."
She was pleased with herself, until I continued, "Fortunately, ma'am the question is not in regards to an APFT. It is about your ht/wt. And luckily the scale is right across the hall and there is no waiting."
She went and cried to the BC, who I guess knew her from before, but he (rightly) told her to get on the scale.
I went back to work, and after a while the Training NCO came by with a DA 5501. I didn't look at it right away. When I did, I first noticed it was a No Go by 8% - no surprise there - but then I noticed that in Sharpie a note was scrawled across the top of the page: "DIAGNOSTIC".
I thundered across the hall, "What the hell is a Diagnostic Ht/Wt?! There is no such thing.
More happened that I won't bore you with.
Suffice it to say, the FLAG stayed, although she attempted to say that her weight gain was due to a medical condition from a car accident. That may have been true, but it neither explained her fitness to deploy the year after the accident, nor the FLAG from prior to it.

Shout out SFC Private RallyPoint Member, remember this one?