Crazy things your 1SG or CSM have said?

2014-04-09T09:55:22-04:00

Some of the things that we have heard that are just down right funny. We all know or have heard something we will likely never forget in our lives. Let's hear what you have to say!!!

Response by SFC Craig Dalen made Apr 9 at 2014 10:55 AM

2014-04-09T10:55:32-04:00

Stick your boney chest out and bring your bubble gum ass on!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2014 3:52 PM

2014-04-09T15:52:32-04:00

Had a CSM 101st FSB ask if we would take advice from a drunk..?

Says the little voice in your head trying to convince you that you're sober enough to drive...is drunk too! Never listen to a drunk

Good advice but was also kind of humorous

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2014 3:58 PM

2014-04-09T15:58:32-04:00

Had a 1SG that used to always say "come here son" you would get to him and he would reassure you with "I don't call you son because you shine, I call you son because you're mine". He really did take care of us and discipline us like we were his own kids though.

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2014 6:53 PM

2014-04-09T18:53:36-04:00

"Warrant Officers are not relevant to this army."

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 9 at 2014 7:49 PM

2014-04-09T19:49:45-04:00

I don't think I can post some of the stuff I've heard my 1SG say.

Response by SFC William Swartz Jr made Apr 9 at 2014 7:53 PM

2014-04-09T19:53:13-04:00

1SG once asked me when I was a PSG, " Please ask SPC SoandSo to remove his head from rectal defilade before I permanently remove his head from his shoulders!!"

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2014 6:56 AM

2014-04-10T06:56:09-04:00

Does dual wielding knife hands count? 'Cause that totally happened on occasion.

Also, "listen up you slack jawed oxygen thieves."

Response by SGT Bryon Sergent made Apr 10 at 2014 3:18 PM

2014-04-10T15:18:30-04:00

Well wasn't as much of said as done. I was ammo NCO in the late 90's for M-16A2. 1sg came through gave him 40 and he comes back cussing. Shot a 28, " what the hell is the matter I never shoot a 28" he the say hold this hands me his rifle and leaves for 30 mins or so. Gets 40 more. Comes back 40 for 40. I asked him the difference, he stated he didn't have his eye shot that morning. So he went back and got some wild turkey in a shot glass put it to his eye threw his head back and was good! WOW just sayin!

Response by SFC Stephen P. made Apr 10 at 2014 3:47 PM

2014-04-10T15:47:02-04:00

"In ANCOC, they taught me how to be smart. At 1SG school, they taught me how to be stupid".

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2014 5:37 PM

2014-04-10T17:37:48-04:00

This wasn't a 1SG/CSM who said this, but the most memorable thing I recall that I heard a senior NCO say (this was my senior Drill Sergeant to a private in front of me in formation): "If your penis is the size of your attention span, you would have a vagina!". 

Response by SGT James Elphick made Apr 10 at 2014 6:23 PM

2014-04-10T18:23:34-04:00

"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes"

Also had a 1SG that would put cherry privates at tactical parade rest if they happened to show up to the unit while we were in the field.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2014 6:37 PM

2014-04-10T18:37:45-04:00

Ft Riley, 2011, around summer timeframe:We were in a Brigade EOW formation before a 4 day weekend. CSM called everyone to huddle up and while he was talking to us, he said, with his really strong Hispanic accent, and quote:" you focos in what you do this weekend...etc" All eyes close to me and my best friend (we are both Puerto Rican like the CSM) turn to us and asked us: " did he really just said that?" I answer that he didn't really meant what you are all thinkingWe couldn't contain the laughing, looking away of course. Even the CO was looking away to not open up laughing. Very good joke for them behind doors I will assume.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 10 at 2014 7:51 PM

2014-04-10T19:51:37-04:00

At my first duty station working in the mail room, I was having issues getting the BN staff duty to give me the TMP to pick up mail. The BDE CSM told me to come to him the next time I had this issue. When the next time happened I did as I was told and went to the CSM for help. He stood about 5'2". When he called down to BN staff duty he asked the NCO, "Do you want to meet SAM?". The NCO did not reply just kept his mouth shut waiting for the CSM to tell him what SAM meant. Next words out of the CSM's mouth were, "SAM is Small Angry Man and that is who you will have to deal with if I ever hear that this PFC is not getting proper support from the BN!" and hung up. I almost died of laughter (once I was out of his line of sight that is).

Response by SPC Charles Brown made Apr 10 at 2014 11:08 PM

2014-04-10T23:08:04-04:00

1SG to soldier about to face UCMJ; "You would sooner sandpaper a wildcats ass in a phone booth than fuck around with me son."

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Apr 22 at 2014 8:53 AM

2014-04-22T08:53:52-04:00

The craziest thing my 1SG ever said cannot be posted here, but the comment was so over the top that it almost had an oppisite effect than desired because I was so baffled by the comment?

The last 1SG I worked for, called me when I made E-8, asked me what I was doing and then told me to stop working.

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 27 at 2014 8:21 PM

2014-04-27T20:21:29-04:00

PFC Walker: (Knock,Knock,Knock)

CSM: "Enter!"

PFC Walker: PFC Walker reporting as requested Sergeant Major!

CSM: "You know I can have that ass for 45?"(staring at a golf club)

PFC Walker: Yes Sergeant Major(nervous grin)

CSM: "Oh you must think this is funny"

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 27 at 2014 8:58 PM

2014-04-27T20:58:14-04:00

We're leaving with one-hundred and eleventeen Soldiers, and I'm bringing one-hundred and eleventeen back with me!

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 30 at 2014 1:51 PM

2014-04-30T13:51:21-04:00

I figured this topic would have exploded with some interesting stuff!

Response by SSgt Gregory Guina made May 2 at 2014 1:37 PM

2014-05-02T13:37:16-04:00

had a SgtMaj when i was a young LCpl and Cpl that would get in front of the Bn after a Bn run and state that he and the CO had a combined age of 86 years or what ever it was and that if they could make the run then everyone should be able to make the run. I used to look back at the multiple run drops and just think that they had a combined age of over 400 and thus were lucky to be breathing much less running.

Response by SPC Kara Sport made May 6 at 2014 12:04 PM

2014-05-06T12:04:34-04:00

The CSM I worked with in Korea loved to quote the Rock. His favorite was "Can you smell what the Rock is cooking" while stuffing chew in his mouth LOL.

Then there was "roody poo candy ass *^(*^$$#*^%$%" used when he had unit NCO's shut in his office for very loud cuss filled arse chewings.

Response by PO2 Rocky Kleeger made May 7 at 2014 2:32 PM

2014-05-07T14:32:46-04:00

I was sitting in the smoke pit with a bunch of others, and our command Master Chief was there with us - he was still wearing his cover. As a very young Ensign walked by, he stopped and asked the MCPO, "Master Chief, what do you do when you see a commissioned officer walk by you while wearing a cover?"

The Master Chief stood up, saluted, and said, "Now go home and tell your Mamma you saw a real Sailor."

It was all we could do to hold the laughter in until that officer was gone...

Response by GySgt Private RallyPoint Member made May 7 at 2014 4:29 PM

2014-05-07T16:29:13-04:00

I've heard some crazy things but most here would not believe it's truth

Generation Kill - The Best of Sgt. Maj. John Sixta

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 4:52 PM

2014-05-13T16:52:19-04:00

Not from a 1SG/CSM...but I used to have a SGT working for me who would tell troops, 'You are moving slower that a constipated snail in January.' Yeah...I may have stolen that one from him!

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 8:18 PM

2014-05-13T20:18:41-04:00

Had a 1sg (1sg Blue) refer to Himself as Blucifer!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 8:50 PM

2014-05-13T20:50:03-04:00

When my company got down range our CSM was giving us all a brief about the recent same sex sexual assaults on the fob. At the end of the brief the followed it up with a loud "MAN ON MAN HOOAH!"

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made May 13 at 2014 9:21 PM

2014-05-13T21:21:54-04:00

During my in processing, my 1SG stated that he was an "Equal Opportunity Asshole". He was right!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made May 14 at 2014 1:19 AM

2014-05-14T01:19:46-04:00

"We have Soldiers swinging from chandeliers in the barracks. Now don't get me wrong, I swung from my fair share of chandeliers, but this s*** needs to stop now!". I spent the next 3 years at Ft. Bliss looking for the "chandeliers".

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 15 at 2014 3:48 PM

2014-06-15T15:48:30-04:00

I posted this story on another thread. But, I think it's too good not to share again.

There I was... Ft. Lee, VA in the Spring of 1997, 92G AIT. The Quartermaster School CSM was conducting a Class A uniform inspection. She asked every Soldier in the Platoon a military question. She gets to the guy before me and asks him "Who is the SMA?" The guy answers "I don't know." She then asks him "Who is the Quartermaster School CSM?" He replies "I don't know." At this point she gets kind of irritated and asks "Soldier, who is you PSG?" Once again he replies "I don't know." She loses it at this point and asks "Soldier, what is your middle name." He replies "I don't have one." At this point everyone in the formation starts smiling and snickering. The CSM turns and asks me "Soldier, who is the Quartermaster School CSM?" In between snickering I reply "Sergeant Major, I thought it was you but, now I'm not so sure." She replies "You would be right." At this point everyone starts laughing.

Response by CMSgt James Nolan made Jun 27 at 2014 7:55 PM

2014-06-27T19:55:21-04:00

In formation just prior to going overseas on deployment, merging 225 Guard members from 10 units into one deploying unit:

"Listen up, we have to stick together to accomplish this mission, adherence to our standards will be critical to our success" "I will absolutely kill a few hostages to save the unit, you do not want to be one of my hostages" "Does everyone get me?"

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2014 12:39 AM

2014-07-23T00:39:39-04:00

My last 1SG (infantry company, all male) was routinely counseling the young Soldiers on the dangers of women and marriage. His advice was solid, but the delivery was very humorous, especially since he is still married.

He also made a lot of random animal noises. My office was next to his, and my first few weeks in the company I didn't realize he had Tourette's: I actually thought he had pets in his office!

Response by SSG Robin Rushlo made Jul 23 at 2014 9:00 AM

2014-07-23T09:00:34-04:00

THat is my grass and I planted it just so you have something to cut. 1SGT in West Germany will not say which one but........

Response by SSG Robin Rushlo made Jul 23 at 2014 3:24 PM

2014-07-23T15:24:31-04:00

What did the First SGT mean when he said "I would have to climb his ROCKERS before he'd salute me?" HHMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Borrowed from a FB friend. I heard it said but in different and more colorful words.

Response by GySgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 23 at 2014 5:40 PM

2014-07-23T17:40:40-04:00

SgtMaj Hoopii, never heard anybody say crazier things then him. When it was just enlisted men around, the most vulgar, controversial things would come out of his mouth and man was he funny. Around officers and cameras, you won't hear the truth. Only those who have heard him speak in those settings amongst enlisted men know.

Happenings - Farewell, Spring Recreation

Happenings Episode 139. Fair Winds and Following Seas Sergeant Major Ernest K. Hoopii, USMC Sergeant Major, Marine Corps Installations East - Marine Corps Ba...

Response by SP5 Tom Carlson made Jul 24 at 2014 2:20 PM

2014-07-24T14:20:33-04:00

Carlson send half your men to graf, and leave your other half here to guard the airfield,,,, and be sure you supervise them proper, I replied I have only 9 men, and they will 129 cliks apart.. he replied G-- dammit,,, are you a leaderdammit do your job.... I said yes sir,,, he asked why I keep calling him sir,,,,,, and I replied" you remind me a 2nd luey from rotc in pittburgh Kansas.

they same 1st sgt took over the 335th assault company in Kansas about a year later, I had ten days to ETS and asked for my Clearance package,, he replied we need more notice if your getting out,, so I scratched my head,,,, on my last day I went to the Battalion commander and asked for an audience and explained I had not yet received my clearance package....he marched into the 1stsgt office.. top replied I thought sure he would re-enlist Commander made the top drive me everwhere even pick me up at home and drop me off... took 4 days and received 400.00 dollars extra severance,,,, and an extra 30 days leave pay.. when signing out on the last MorningBattalion Commander was there,, wished me luck,,,,and introduced to the company commander his new 1st sgt..... boy the look in tops eyes,,, I deflected with my shiny smile...

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 16 at 2015 10:07 PM

2015-03-16T22:07:53-04:00

Something I got from my 1SG...."All I want to see is butholes and elbows!". So everytime I threw a barracks party, that is what I said.

Response by SSG Adam Reed made Mar 16 at 2015 11:04 PM

2015-03-16T23:04:54-04:00

As I stood there, neck stretched to the sky, looking at the CH-53 hovering over our work site and a second one circling the site a click out pulling security, I peer from under the rim of my helmet and I wonder to myself, "who the heck is coming to see us now." As the bird continued its slow decent towards the dry African desert I am rattled back to a few days ago when we Medivac'd out a Force-Pro soldier who went down as a heat casualty. The fact that he went down for heat was nothing to surprising being that the days were topping out a 130'F. The 'rattling me back' fact was that my Senior NCO lost his cool and pulled the only IV we had out of this poor guys arm and told him he is going to die.
Maybe thats why these two giant metal noise makers are swarming like vultures ready to pounce on us. Maybe they're not after me for "finding" that air conditioner on post just laying around. The dust cloud gets bigger, the rotors get louder, and eventually as the engines lower their roar to a hum the images get clearer. Without missing a stride, off the back ramp comes the camp Marine SGM. I know this man. He drank a beer with us once. Even flew in some steak for us. And although I already know him it startles me to see him here now, in the heat of the day. Our green reports have been radioed in. Updates have been given. There's absolutely no reason, well maybe one, why he has chosen to spend the day here with us. A bunch of Army Engineers waiting for machine parts to fly in from the States can be very boring to watch. He's a Marine and we are Army. Why is he coming here?
As he approaches the perimeter wire I open the small gap we made for personnel, I extend my hand to give the greeting of the day. With my helmet multiplying the sweat dripping down my face, I'm a little more than nervous. A Marine SGM can really ruin your day. Is he going to question me? Am I the reason he flew all the way out here especially on a Friday when they serve seafood at the chow hall back on camp? As he gets closer I step towards him. We are within feet of each other. I finally give the greeting of the day and then from the bottom of his dusty Marine boots he looks at me and says "Where is he? My first thought "The bear is not hunting me. He is looking for other prey." Quickly I respond with a bolstered "In the first tent SGM". I'm thinking he would be proud of me for knowing an answer to his question, but instead he roars back to me "Good, now get the f**k out of my way."
10 minutes and one less NCO later he is back on the bird and heading to base camp. Hopefully in time for crab legs and Lobster. That should get him back into a good mood for when finds out about the air conditioner.

True story. Djibouti Africa 2005
p.s. The Force-Pro soldier ended up being ok.

Response by SGT Rik Thibodeau made Mar 17 at 2015 8:26 AM

2015-03-17T08:26:45-04:00

Oh man, my last duty station was SETAF and before they transformed into USARAF, they were sort of the higher HQ of the 173rd ABCT which meant we would constantly have NCOs and officers come from the airborne brigade and some of them couldn't adjust to being in a mixed male and female company. We had one 1SG, a short little Filipino guy getting ready to retire and he'd spent his entire career in either the 82nd or the 173rd and SETAF was the first time he'd had females in his company so he was a walking EO violation.

One time during a safety brief he asked if he forgot anything and one female in the formation said "Safe sex First Sergeant!". He thought for a second and then said "Ok guys, if you're going to get laid this weekend, be sure to wear a k-pot...not on this head (pointing to his head) but on THIS head (pointing to his privates)!"

Another time he told the morning PT formation that he'd decided we were going to do a 10 mile run around town (off base, we had to run in pairs of two). He was a marathon runner so he proceeded to give us instruction on how to run long distances. He finished his instructions by telling the formation, "And if you still can't make it then just lie down on the side of the road and (pretending he was taking a piss) the rest of us will water you as we run by!".

There were a bunch more but those are the ones that stick out most...

Response by SPC Patrick Gearardo made Mar 17 at 2015 9:13 AM

2015-03-17T09:13:44-04:00

One of my 1SG's was short and had a pot belly. During one of our formations, he stood in front of everyone and told us to NOT call him TOP. He does not spin! Forgot his name, but won't forget what he said.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 17 at 2015 10:25 AM

2015-03-17T10:25:11-04:00

And they have been HILARIOUS! Thank you! Needed this this morning!

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 17 at 2015 10:37 AM

2015-03-17T10:37:42-04:00

My 1Sgt and I were on a convoy together in Iraq and I noticed that he was swatting something with his hand. I realized it was a wasp. He had swatted over my direction, and of course, I was screaming trying to get it away while driving. Anyhow, he put me on the radio, so everyone heard... After I managed to kill it, he proceeded to tell everyone that SPC Blais wasn't such a badazz after all. The whole situation was great. Man I really appreciated him.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 17 at 2015 10:43 AM

2015-03-17T10:43:02-04:00

"Which one of you came into my formation drunk?"

YIKES

Response by CSM Michael Lynch made Mar 17 at 2015 11:29 AM

2015-03-17T11:29:52-04:00

A bunch of you A$$ clowns ought to be wearing A$$ hats, get the hell out of my formation

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 17 at 2015 11:50 AM

2015-03-17T11:50:44-04:00

"Patton was a leg." Not the craziest thing, but certainly the most entertaining.

Response by CW3 Craig Linghor made Mar 17 at 2015 12:08 PM

2015-03-17T12:08:21-04:00

Get down LT and beat your face...that 1SG was hard as woodpecker lips. 1CAV Vietnam Vet.

Response by SGT William Howell made Mar 17 at 2015 2:16 PM

2015-03-17T14:16:55-04:00

As we were heading out in a patrol in Iraq our Top proceeds to tell us, "You better be drinking water. The first one of you that becomes a heat casualty is getting an Article 15!"

30 minutes later I am hooking him up to an IV. He dropped like a stone. As he comes around I asked him, " You want me to do a witness statement for your Article 15?" He just looked at me with puppy dog eyes. It made my day!

Response by PO1 Stephen Caldonetti made Mar 17 at 2015 2:30 PM

2015-03-17T14:30:20-04:00

Okay, I don't have any thing that my CMC or Div. CPO said to me that was crazy, but my Div. Officer once told me to pull that surfboard out if my @$$, or he was gonna remove it the hard way for me, because I was a surfer, and I kinda screwed up on report. Our Div. Officer was so salty that he charged through the ranks as an E-1 all the way to Captain O-6. He was one bad@$$, and I feared him more than my old man. I will never forget that day over 20 years ago.

Response by 1SG Jason Smith made Mar 19 at 2015 3:11 PM

2015-03-19T15:11:54-04:00

ok so this wasnt a 1SG or CSM I actually said this to a Soldier with my 1SG close by. I was a Drill Sergeant at Ft Benning and we had just given the privates a PT test that morning and needless to say they hadnt done as well as I had hoped they would (not that they ever do). Later in the day we are out in the field and top comes out with the results and I start some concurrent training on PT I had them doing ab exercise after ab exercise. I had a large circumfranced Solider from Alabama who looked like he was trying his ass off to do the next sit up....I ran over to where was exerting himself and said "Dont worry private you dont have to do anymore I dont want you to dislocate your fat"

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 25 at 2015 1:54 PM

2015-03-25T13:54:12-04:00

Can I respond with a Command Master Chief Story?

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 15 at 2015 9:17 PM

2015-04-15T21:17:42-04:00

My first night in Vietnam, I was at the 229th AHB hooch I was told to use. I made my bed on the dirt floor with my pancho liner and went to sleep. I hadn't been asleep long, when I was awakened by someone kicking me and pulling me off my pancho liner, and yelling I stole his boots. I didn't know what the hell was going on and as I was standing up I knocked the crap out of whoever it was. Some guys pulled me off of him and then told me it was our 1st SGT. He told top I just got there and didn't steal his Fn boots. Top was drunker than a skunk and I couldn't sleep at all after that. The next morning Top came over and apologized, and told me his jaw was hurting like hell. We both laughed it off, but I was always leery when he came in drunk.

Response by 1SG Paul DeStout made Dec 1 at 2015 1:08 PM

2015-12-01T13:08:57-05:00

I had a 1SG that would tell us during the EOW safety brief. "If I have to pick you up from jail there better be at least two of you."

Response by CPT David Geasland made Dec 22 at 2016 6:52 PM

2016-12-22T18:52:07-05:00

When I was Troop Commander in 2/9 Cav, I over heard my 1st Sgt, tell the Troop NCO's, "He may be the CO but I am still the CMFIC."

Response by 1SG Al Brown made Jan 16 at 2017 9:05 AM

2017-01-16T09:05:48-05:00

Things he didn't say. We had a CSM in Hinesville GA in the early 90's that struggled mightily with the English language. He had a terrible accent. He would drone on and on every Friday and give an hours worth of instructions before releasing the Battalion, after the Commander released the Battalion. We never understood a word. Not one. We would just yell Hooah, and go about our business.