Can you please review my personal statement for Navy OCS?

CW2 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 12:42:48 -0400

I am in the process of setting my packet in order to be reviewed for Navy OCS. Please. If you have the time review my personal statement and indicate where I can improve?
I am applying to be an intel officer or IW officer.
Here it is. Thanks in advance. Also I am having a few English teachers review this for grammar. I mostly need content help.

I hold my country and the ideals of the Constitution in the highest esteem and only desire to serve my country and to labor in making it better. I have already made the commitment to serve and to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States. In doing so I have become a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army. The primary reason I seek to commission in the United States Navy is in acknowledgement of the fact that leadership is Influence. I seek to influence people in a positive manner and to provide a haven for growth and development, not just as sailors or soldiers, but as professionals, Americans, and as humans. As a Naval Officer I will be able to have a wider reaching impact and help set future generations on the path to keep America Strong.
I am a trained Intelligence Analyst with five and a half years of experience. I have experience that ranges from Tactical to Theater level commands and have produced hundreds of intelligence products that have been used in military planning at the Battalion level in Afghanistan, to products that were briefed to the Commanders of US Forces Korea. My competence as an analyst has twice been awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than 3 years in the Army. I am skilled with a number of Intelligence systems and platforms including Distributed Common ground System (DCGS), Palantir, and Falconview to name a few. I am also familiar with many Information, Surveillance, and Reconnaissance (ISR) Assets and capabilities. I seek to bring my experience and knowledge to the US Navy as an officer, to enhance my skill set, and to continue to provide the highest quality products for the security of this nation.
I have understanding of and experience in leadership. I have been called a natural leader and have developed that natural trait through school and through the Army. My degree may be considered soft to the Navy’s expectation but where it lacked sciences and mathematics it picked up courses on leadership, planning, administration, management, and critical thinking. The Army gave me an arena in which to practice and hone those skills then developed them further with NCO Professional Development School, the Leadership Training Program, and most importantly practical hands on experience. I have consistently held positions above my paygrade based on leadership potential and experience.
Becoming an officer in the US Navy will give me the chance to operate fully in my natural gifts and abilities. It will allow me to thrive and to develop further than possible as an enlisted soldier in leadership and technical proficiency. I am excited about the possibility of serving my country as a Naval Officer. If selected I will continue to provide my best and I will become a truly outstanding Officer.

Response by LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow made Oct 25 at 2015 1:20 PM

LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 13:20:00 -0400

This looks very nice, but I am out of the loop these days.

One big question that I think you need to address more fully is why you think you would be a better Navy Officer than Army Officer. Why not be a G2 Officer in the Army? Platitudes won't get you very far here, so you really need to dig deeply into this, imho...

Response by PO2 Charles Bonilla made Oct 25 at 2015 2:00 PM

PO2 Charles Bonilla — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 14:00:03 -0400

Hi John,
Thanks for posting. Being completely unfamiliar with what a Navy OCS Personal Statement is supposed to be, it's difficult to assess yours. I googled "Navy OCS Personal Statement" and am basing my comments on this link:
https://navyofficerrecruitingelpaso.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/writing-your-motivational-statement/
1. Apparently the "motivational statement" is supposed to be 400 words. Yours comes in at 476.
2. The statement should cover WHO you are; WHY you want to be a Navy officer; and WHAT you bring to the table.
If this puts me in the ballpark, great! If I've swung and missed, you’ll at least have an idea of what I was going for with the edits below.

Who: (165 words)

Why: Because I hold my country and the ideals of the Constitution in the highest esteem my single desire is to make my country better by serving it faithfully and honorably, which I currently do as a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army.
I see a commission in the United States Navy as THE opportunity to INSPIRE people and provide them opportunities to grow as professional sailors, Americans, and humans.
What: As a trained Intelligence Analyst I bring five and a half years of experience that ranges from:
(bullet) Tactical to Theater level commands
(bullet) Producing hundreds of intelligence products that have been used in military planning at the Battalion level in Afghanistan
(bullet) As well as producing products that were briefed to the Commanders of US Forces Korea
This competence has twice been awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than 3 years in the Army.
The Army gave me an arena in which to practice leadership, planning, administration, management, and critical thinking, skills. Additionally, the Army enabled me to hone these skills with NCO Professional Development School, the Leadership Training Program, and most importantly practical, hands-on, experience. The result? I have consistently held positions above my paygrade.
By earning a commission in the U.S. Navy you will benefit by having an officer whose Army experience can facilitate any joint service operations or programming.

Writing your Motivational Statement

You have made the decision to apply to become a Naval Officer. You've met with your recruiter & you know what program you are interested in, you've turned in lots of paperwork & filled out ...

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 25 at 2015 2:34 PM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 14:34:17 -0400

Aside from a couple grammatical issues (places without subject-verb agreement and a few unnecessary capital letters), I'd only encourage you to be very mindful of the format. Whatever format OCS wants (I wouldn't know, not an OCS-type myself), they're going to be paying very close attention to it as a method of weeding out applicants who lack attention-to-detail. Good luck.

Response by CAPT Don Bosch, EdD made Oct 25 at 2015 2:50 PM

CAPT Don Bosch, EdD — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 14:50:05 -0400

Got it. Let's follow up online. [login to see]

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Oct 25 at 2015 6:24 PM

CDR Michael Goldschmidt — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 18:24:07 -0400

What I'm not reading in this is why you want to be a naval officer, distinct from being an Army Officer.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Oct 25 at 2015 9:19 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 21:19:58 -0400

By all means, work with CAPT Don Bosch, EdD as he's current. I supported the accessions side for most my officer career so here's a few items to keep in mind and go over with him.

The first paragraph meanders with platitudes; doesn't tell me much and has too much syrup. The second needs to be cut in half. The third talks too much about what you are/were and not what you'll do for the Navy over a career. The fourth is decent for a closing but needs another sentence.

What reviewers (like me) first look for is someone who has a clue of what they want, why they want it, and can write to it well. You're about 70% there but with clean up, you can demonstrate why you're better than most of the competition out there. So articulation that sets the stage of who you are, what you are, where you are at, where you are going, and why it's important for someone to OK the passage mentality will help you stay focused on your individual story. Good luck. And yes, you want to nail the grammar as noted as well.

Response by CAPT George Harris made Oct 26 at 2015 12:33 PM

CAPT George Harris — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 12:33:30 -0400

I am not familiar with this requirement since eI have been retired for a long time-25 years. However, I did to some comments made from others that seem to be right on the mark. Again, it is who you are first and then what skills you bring with you. Good luck.

Response by ENS Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 3 at 2015 8:54 PM

ENS Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 03 Nov 2015 20:54:20 -0500

You have to much over your resume. I think it should be more of why you would make a good officer and what you can do for your country which you have. You might take some of your past evaluation reports and use them to help, such as (I'm recognized as a more senior SGT in my unit). Just a thought I had to write my motivational statement not to long ago. Also if you recieved your degree while in the service, is another plus. (What to remember is if this is your motivational statement that is what it is...., not your entire resume you can touch on bits and pieces) show why you can become a strong leader, tell why you can become a strong and what has helped you to be molded into a strong leader (leader) is the key word here... As well as the Navy Core Values (Honor, Courage, and Commitment).

Best of Luck!!!!
Michael

Response by CW2 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2015 5:11 PM

CW2 Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 08 Nov 2015 17:11:08 -0500

I have re-tooled it a LOT. I thank you all for your candid responses and I feel it is already a lot stronger. Here is the re-tooled version. It can only get better. Thank you for you criticism.

I am SGT John Hershman. I am a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army. I am a dedicated husband, father, martial artist, and intelligence professional. I am self-motivated, tenacious, adaptable and results oriented. My passions in life aside from my family and country are physical training and intelligence analysis. My greatest desire is to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy
I desire to commission in the Navy for numerous reasons. First is that the Navy is foremost in applied technology, intelligence, and defense of the country. I want to be part of that legacy. Second: commissioning in the Navy will push me harder and further as a person and as a professional than being enlisted in the Army. I will be able to develop my skill set to a greater level and accomplish even greater tasks. Lastly, as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy, I will be able to operate in my natural strengths of leadership, management, and administration which will increase personal fulfillment I find in my work.
I am highly trained and experienced in leadership and Military Intelligence and will bring this training and experience to the Information Dominance Corps. I am a trained Intelligence Analyst and have experience that ranges from Tactical to Theater levels. I have produced hundreds of products used to plan operations in Afghanistan and drive collection in Korea. My competence as an analyst was twice awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than three years in the Army. I am skilled with a number of Intelligence systems and platforms, including Distributed Common Ground System (DCGS), Palantir, and Falconview. My leadership skills have been honed through rigorous college courses, military education, and practical experience. My degree was heavily focused on leadership and critical thinking. It served me well and prepared me to consistently hold positions above my pay grade and excel over the past five and a half years.
Becoming an officer in the US Navy will give me the chance to fully use my natural gifts and abilities. It will allow me to thrive and develop further in leadership and technical proficiency. I am excited about the possibility of serving my country as a Naval Officer. I am truly passionate and excited about the possibility of serving the Navy and my country. If selected, I will continue to provide my best and become an outstanding officer.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Jun 4 at 2016 12:07 PM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 12:07:26 -0400

“My Date of birth is 17 Oct 1983. Age computed to 01October of the fiscal year in which selection board is held is 32 years old, 16 days left to be 33 years old. My projection date of graduation is December 2019, which at that time my age will be 36 years old and two months.
My objectives and reasons to apply for a commissioned officer are to continue serving this great country as a leader. As soon as I joined the navy as an enlisted member, I took the first step of enrolling in college to pursue a degree in Healthcare Management. Through college, I spent thousands of off-duty hours studying textbooks and projects to ensure that I understood them and could put these new skills to use. My passion of working in hospitals grew, as I discovered this is what I want to do in life, which is helping to manage naval hospitals by seeking to be a commissioned Medical Corps Officer.
I have set high personal and professional goals by completing my Bachelors in Healthcare Management and seeking applications in various universities around the country; where I can continuously develop and improve my educational and my professional abilities in order to deliver high quality management services in Naval hospitals.
My personal goals and characteristics that I possess will drive me to success in this program, is due to my current leadership position as an enlisted member. I am very hardworking, ambitious, and I will faithfully use my experiences to lead my junior sailors and encourage my peers to excel in this great nation.