Can a person increase their EQ and capacity for intelligent problem-focused conversation without emotional flooding? #CrucialConversations

LTC Omar Hamada — Sat, 15 Feb 2014 23:26:28 -0500

Many failed relationships are a result of a failure to communicate because
at least one of the parties floods and makes all or none statements
(always, never, etc....) and makes false assumptions based on fear-laden
belief instead of fact.

Intelligent conversation rises above and focuses on the desired and best outcome.

How does a person learn how to converse in a mature way so that relationships are preserved and deepened?

Response by LTC David S. Chang, ChFC®, CLU® made Feb 16 at 2014 3:00 AM

LTC David S. Chang, ChFC®, CLU® — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 03:00:26 -0500

One of the best ways is the speaker-listener technique. Where they repeat what the other person said to make sure they truly understood it. It helps make sure people don't talk past one another either.

It also helps to take breaks, especially when emotions come into play. It ultimately takes both willing to work together though...

Response by PO3 Bill Bruzdowski made Mar 11 at 2014 4:21 PM

PO3 Bill Bruzdowski — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 16:21:43 -0400

In my experience, it its better to use feeling words instead of laying blame during a disagreement. Use "when you do that it makes me feel..." Instead of "you always/never..."

Response by SPC Christopher Smith made Mar 11 at 2014 6:07 PM

SPC Christopher Smith — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 18:07:52 -0400

I'm interested to see this thread progress, with the high level of divorces in the military I think people forget how to turn off military communication and personal relationship communication.

Response by SPC David S. made Sep 30 at 2014 12:53 AM

SPC David S. — Tue, 30 Sep 2014 00:53:41 -0400

I think part of the issue is most disagreements are divergent in nature and not focused on being convergent. I want this, you want that vs we both want to be happy. Very rarely does a disagreement start out with a positive statement. Also lack of self aware in regards to personalities and how they interact. Being an ENTJ I know I can create a rather large wake but because I'm cognizant of my bluntness or directness when I speak unfiltered I either change the context or tone of what I trying to convey.

Response by Susan Foster made Aug 23 at 2016 9:14 AM

Susan Foster — Tue, 23 Aug 2016 09:14:33 -0400

Of course they can! One way is to just learn deep listening. Deep listening is listening beyond what the person is saying to behind the words--what is their intent? How are they feeling? What do they need? Ask yourself: what is my intent for this conversation? And listen for that. It's totally human to jump in a talk before you listen to understand them--I done that myself many times. But we always advance the relationship when we listen deeply.