Any jokes to share?

SPC James Mcneil — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 11:56:15 -0400

I love a good laugh, and I almost always have a joke to share. With all the serious threads around, I'd like to see a few more light hearted ones. So if you have a joke, feel free to share it here. It can be military related if you like, but it doesn't have to be. In fact, I have a contribution to start us out. Let's share some humor and get everyone laughing!

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

Response by SGT Richard H. made Oct 22 at 2014 12:09 PM

SGT Richard H. — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 12:09:26 -0400

A Taliban Army platoon was on patrol when the commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their area.

The commander told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.

Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two soldiers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers.

The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again.

The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.

Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The bloodthirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued.

Finally, one lone Taliban soldier came crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn; cuts were all over his body. The commander asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice:

"Sir,...run,...it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2014 8:34 PM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 20:34:44 -0400

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2014 8:35 PM

PO1 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 20:35:09 -0400

SPC James Mcneil Now that's funny!

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Oct 22 at 2014 9:14 PM

SPC James Mcneil — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 21:14:38 -0400

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck-" and the farmer shot him.

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Oct 23 at 2014 8:53 AM

SPC James Mcneil — Thu, 23 Oct 2014 08:53:54 -0400

How long can you read down this list before you start shaking your head? 50 of the cheesiest jokes I've ever read...
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Oct 23 at 2014 8:57 AM

SPC James Mcneil — Thu, 23 Oct 2014 08:57:56 -0400

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.
So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, "You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Oct 23 at 2014 9:23 AM

SPC James Mcneil — Thu, 23 Oct 2014 09:23:39 -0400

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Response by SSG Ralph Innes made Oct 23 at 2014 9:37 AM

SSG Ralph Innes — Thu, 23 Oct 2014 09:37:50 -0400

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Response by SPC James Mcneil made Oct 25 at 2014 2:44 PM

SPC James Mcneil — Sat, 25 Oct 2014 14:44:05 -0400

Here are a few more...

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No. I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!

And of course, always remember not to drink and park. Accidents cause children.

Response by SSG Andrew Dydasco made Oct 31 at 2014 6:59 PM

SSG Andrew Dydasco — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 18:59:27 -0400

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl + S

Response by Cpl Dennis F. made Dec 8 at 2014 6:47 PM

Cpl Dennis F. — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 18:47:39 -0500

I just received this from Pappy an old RVN tanker.
Blast me if you must but I found it funny as hell......if not completely PC

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.

YES, HE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS, THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

Response by SSG Laureano Pabon made Dec 8 at 2014 10:08 PM

SSG Laureano Pabon — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 22:08:41 -0500

I'm going to share a joke that came from SSG Woods mom. So its not mines:

A young man went off to war and had to leave his ma and pa back at the farm, awhile later the son gets a letter from his pa, it said " Dear Son, I hope this letter finds you well and safe. Me and Ma's not doing to good, My back went out last week and I didn't get to finish plowing the lower forty to plant our crop, so it looks like its going to be a hard winter! Ma sends her love but she can't write right no, cause she fell and broke her arm. well son, guess I'll close for no...w, take care and God Bless! love always Pa! A couple weeks pass and Pa receives a letter from his son, " Dear pa, I hope this letter finds you and Ma better, I'm sorry I can't be there to help, but whatever you do, DON'T plant nothing in that lower forty, that's where I hid the body's, give Ma my love! forever your faithful son. A couple days later, the FBI comes to the farm with backhoes and digs up the whole forty, found nothing so they left, a few days later another letter comes from the son. Dear Pa, hope this letter finds you and Ma better, hope that helped!! forever your loving faithful son!!

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Mar 21 at 2015 9:19 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 21:19:57 -0400

Response by SSG (ret) William Martin made Mar 21 at 2015 9:27 PM

SSG (ret) William Martin — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 21:27:18 -0400

A duck walking to a hardware store and asks the manager, "Do you have any duck feed".

The manager replies, "No".

The ducks comes back the next day to the same hardware store and asks the same question and receives the same answer, no. The duck leaves.

The duck repeats the same action and receives the same answer, no for the third day.

The manager gets upsets and says to the duck, "If you come in here and again and ask about duck feed, and I am going to take some nails and nail your little web feet to the ground". The duck leaves.

Finally, the duck come back for the fourth try and asks the manager, "Do you have any nails"

The manager replies, "No" and the duck proceeds to ask the next question, "Do you have any duck feed".

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Mar 22 at 2015 3:35 AM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 22 Mar 2015 03:35:19 -0400

Why was the tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

Yeah. Vegetable humor. Don't judge me.

Response by LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow made Mar 22 at 2015 2:18 PM

LCDR Rabbah Rona Matlow — Sun, 22 Mar 2015 14:18:38 -0400

Yes, see the weekly "stolen valor" sports page at https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/so-it-is-time-for-the-weekly-what-is-wrong-with-this this is a great joke...

Response by SPC Patrick Gearardo made Mar 23 at 2015 6:38 AM

SPC Patrick Gearardo — Mon, 23 Mar 2015 06:38:38 -0400

How I learned to Mind my own Business:

I was walking past the mental hospital one day and all the patients were shouting...."13,13,13".

The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a little gap between the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they started shouting "14,14,14!"

Response by Sgt David G Duchesneau made Oct 5 at 2015 3:26 PM

Sgt David G Duchesneau — Mon, 05 Oct 2015 15:26:21 -0400

Pastor's warning

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend
doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After the services, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is screwing your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you
occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home now. My wife died five years ago"
--

Response by MSgt Marvin Kinderknecht made Apr 10 at 2016 3:55 PM

MSgt Marvin Kinderknecht — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 15:55:13 -0400

The Drill Sargent was walking down the line asking recruits where they were from. One recruit shouted, SIR, I'm from VIRGINA , Sir. (much laughter).
My wife still has a Coke bottle figure. Only it is more like a liter bottle.

Response by SSG Chris Furney made Feb 10 at 2017 7:35 AM

SSG Chris Furney — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 07:35:21 -0500

How many General Scwarzkopf's does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one- but really, all he has to do is show it he's serious, and it will start working again for a while. You'll still have to fix it right later, though, if you don't let him follow through.