Am I being selfish by placing my son (who currently serves) at the head table with me?

CSM Michael J. Uhlig — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 16:12:02 -0400

We have a unit ball in the near future, I am bringing my son (and my bride) as my guest (my son is a US Army PFC & an Airborne Ranger, assigned to a Ranger BN). I am very proud of the Soldiers with whom I serve alongside of everyday and very proud of my sons service as well. He is an Infantryman and he has deployed to AFG with his unit. I am proud of his accomplishments.

Interested in your feedback....if you were attending this event, what would you think about my son having a seat at the head table...is it a problem for you and if so, why? What would be your recommended approach (that I take) to bring my son into our unit (our military family)?

As a little additional background, I often discuss family related triumphs and heartaches with the formation.

Response by PO3 Shaun Taylor made Oct 7 at 2014 4:15 PM

PO3 Shaun Taylor — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 16:15:52 -0400

That is your son therefore he has the right to sit with you at the head table. Are you planning on having him attend in uniform?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 7 at 2014 4:21 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 16:21:13 -0400

Is the potential perceived selfishness merely about your bringing two guests as opposed to one and someone being forced out of the head table?
It wouldn't bother me a bit. I also don't see any issue with him attending in uniform.

Response by LTC Paul Labrador made Oct 7 at 2014 4:27 PM

LTC Paul Labrador — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 16:27:16 -0400

CSM Michael J. Uhlig, as you know there are certain protocols and traditions that go with formal occasions, like Balls. Traditionally, depending on the set-up head tables are reserved for the key VIPs (commander, CSM, spouses/significant other and the guest of honor). However, with all things, the Commander has a lot of discretion about how the ball is run. I'd ask him. Depending on the set-up, and amount of space You may end up having to choose between sitting him or your wife at the head table. Honestly, if there was no space, I would have him (and his date if he brings one) sat at a table close to the head table.

Response by Cpl Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 7 at 2014 4:40 PM

Cpl Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 16:40:53 -0400

The only time I would see an issue with your son being at the head table is if the purpose of the ball/event would be the personal recognition of someone other than you or your son. That I think might be considered bad form. If you are celebrating an Army birthday ball or similar event, he is your son/guest so he sits with you. Your bride/wife is a given and I do not believe that warrants an answer.

Response by Cpl Chris Rice made Oct 7 at 2014 5:32 PM

Cpl Chris Rice — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 17:32:32 -0400

I don't know if it is different in the Army, but I would not want to be any where near my SgtMaj at an event, let alone in a dress uniform (I hated IP-ing). I think your troops will forgive you, because who knows if your son wasn't there you may invite one of them. My squadron also had close to a thousand people in it; our squadron SgtMaj had to be pretty hardline.

My mom also shared this advice with me once; sometimes you get things because of the people you know, and sometimes you get excluded because of the people you know. If your family helps you get something nice enjoy it, because it will get hurt you for one reason or another later.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Oct 8 at 2014 6:19 AM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 06:19:51 -0400

If space permitted CSM, it sounds like a very reasonable accommodation, given your son's status. How many active SMs get the privilege of having a serving child along side them. I think LTC Paul Labrador hits protocol right on the head. IMHO his introduction as your guest when the head table is introduced, whether or not he is seated there, would be appropriate and merited.

Response by TSgt Joshua Copeland made Oct 8 at 2014 6:39 AM

TSgt Joshua Copeland — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 06:39:41 -0400

On the AF side, I have seen this quite a few times. It has been about a 50/50 for if the adult child is seated at the head table. This has usually been driven by protocol and space issues.

Response by LTC Jason Strickland made Oct 8 at 2014 8:13 AM

LTC Jason Strickland — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 08:13:40 -0400

CSM Michael J. Uhlig - no issues whatsoever - unless your son was an infant. I'm all about family and I think recognizing and honoring your son by being your guest at the head table is demonstrating appropriate family values and your pride in who he has become!

Response by CSM Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 8 at 2014 9:25 AM

CSM Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 09:25:26 -0400

I have seen that done before. (Army ball, Commander's son, USAF). I had no issue, nor did the Soldiers.

Check with your Commander, check the space and make sure your son is copacetic.

Congrats to your son for his accomplishments. I know you are proud!

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 8 at 2014 9:37 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 09:37:51 -0400

CSM Michael J. Uhlig , first I think that there is nothing wrong with inviting your son to the event. Many in your formation should take advantage of the opportunity to speak to him if for no other reason learn more about who you are. That being said, I would think it to be inappropriate for him to be seated at the head table which is typically reserved for VIPs, Commanders, and CSMs and their spouses.

However, these events are generally overseen by the commander and/or his/her representative (i.e. Mr. Vice) and there seems to often be a lot of latitude for such matters.

I would seat my son at a table, but would introduce him to other enlisted members of my unit. Hope it goes well for you.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 8 at 2014 10:32 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 10:32:46 -0400

CSM, to me, it's your decision to make with your commander. If you have worked hard to foster a family-centric culture in your BN, I think having your son with you just serves as an example of how important family is to you.

Response by LTC Mark Gavula made Oct 8 at 2014 11:14 AM

LTC Mark Gavula — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 11:14:43 -0400

CSM, over the last few years, I have noticed many units are choosing not to have a head table in the traditional sense with having 10 foot tables at the from of the room for the VIPs etc. Many have chosen to have circular tables either 8 or 10 man tables. In this configuration, I would not see a problem having your son sit at your table. However, the traditional set up, I would not think it was appropriate.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 8 at 2014 1:33 PM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 13:33:27 -0400

CSM, Unless there is no room at all, I don't see why having him at the head table would be a problem, especially as a guest. I would not call it selfish either. Maybe, proud or honored. If the situation allows and if the commander is okay with it then I don't see why not. Our family members are apart of our military family. Sounds like you have an awesome son that will some day be in your shoes.

Response by COL Jean (John) F. B. made Oct 8 at 2014 1:48 PM

COL Jean (John) F. B. — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 13:48:51 -0400

My opinion is that the head table should be reserved for the hosts and "honored guests", such as the higher chain of command attendees and guest speaker, along with spouses. All other "special guests" should be at other VIP tables. I have been to many military formal occasions where general officers were not seated at the head table. I think that a good rule of thumb would be that persons seated at the head table should be the same persons who will be in the receiving line.

I believe that you would be sending a wrong message to your troops to have your son at the head table, which could make them wonder if you considered him more important than them (in a military, not family, sense).

If you feel strongly about it, I would approach the commander and recommend having two head tables, with the commander and his guests on one and the CSM with his guests on another, with the tables being similar to the other tables at the event, not "special", except that they would be to the front and centered among the others. Another option would be to include your son in the program, say by giving the invocation or something.

You certainly deserve to be very proud of your son, but I think what you are suggesting is not the best thing to do. Just my opinion.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 9 at 2014 12:13 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 12:13:53 -0400

I think it is "selfish" only by technicality, it is certainly an understandable and harmless act.

My only advice would be to ensure that by having a "second guest" attend, you're not taking away a potential seat from a Soldier assigned TO the organization holding the event.

Response by 1SG Mark Colomb made Oct 9 at 2014 12:15 PM

1SG Mark Colomb — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 12:15:32 -0400

CSM, I would not be offended. Most times blood Family outranks unit Family. If this is not possible and you value your son's presence at the event, why not demonstrate your commitment to your family by seating yourself at his table? I doubt anyone in the unit will mistake you as just a guest and you can reinforce the everlasting importance of family to your Soldiers.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Oct 10 at 2014 12:13 PM

SGT Richard H. — Fri, 10 Oct 2014 12:13:27 -0400

CSM Michael J. Uhlig, as LTC Paul Labrador said, I'd bounce it off of your commander. If he doesn't have an issue with it, I can't see any reason why anyone not at the head table would. In fact, If I was in your Battalion and knew your family (or at least knew who they were), I would think it a little odd to see you and your wife at the head table and your son sitting elsewhere.

Response by CPT Jason Torpy made Oct 11 at 2014 1:11 PM

CPT Jason Torpy — Sat, 11 Oct 2014 13:11:43 -0400

Have your son at the table with you? Can't see that as an issue. If you made him the guest of honor or something that might be a bit odd. Being a Ranger is an accomplishment worthy of pride and praise, but it doesn't warrant special recognition and he is your son so you are rightfully biased. But best to avoid it. But he's not the guest of honor, he's just at the head table, just like your wife would be.

Go for it. Everyone likes family values. Maybe next time the commander will bring his son or daughter up. Maybe you'll have the soldier of the month up there one day with his wife and kid.

Army folks used to joke 'if the Army wanted me to have a family they would have issued me one'. We've set that aside in favor of promoting and supporting families as part of the unit. You're on solid footing inviting your family to unit functions because they should be part of the unit (within reason).

Response by CSM John Bergeron made Oct 12 at 2014 12:17 PM

CSM John Bergeron — Sun, 12 Oct 2014 12:17:28 -0400

CSM ONE CSM TO ANOTHER WHO IS RUNING THE EVENT, TAUK TO THE BN COMMANDER.
AS FOR ME I WOULD JUST AS SOON BE DOWN WITH MY TROPES.

Response by CSM Guy R. Niles made Dec 14 at 2014 3:19 PM

CSM Guy R. Niles — Sun, 14 Dec 2014 15:19:03 -0500

Mike, show your Son off! I would be proud as well, especially if it were me showing off one of my Three Sons! Much to be proud of! Rock-on Brother!

Response by CW4 Ray Montano made Dec 15 at 2014 11:25 AM

CW4 Ray Montano — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 11:25:22 -0500

To be honest with you, I get it. I too an proud of my sons. Attend the ball, yes. Sit at the head table, no. While he has obviously earned a place in your heard, he has not earned a place at the head table. His time will come, but he has to get there on his own.