Looking for advice from brothers and sisters that understand; changing relationships and children

SFC Darrell Woods - First off welcome to RallyPoint and more importantly thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. The only advise I can offer you is from what I went through with my own children.

When I left for my last tour in Iraq, my daughter was only 3 weeks old and my son was turning 2. I came home 18 months later and while my son sort of remembered me, my daughter had no clue who I was. It took me several months for her to learn who I was and whatnot. Then I found myself pushing her and my son away when I started reporting to Captain Morgan every day to mask the internal demons I was avoiding. After my marriage tanked and I found myself sleeping on the floor of a small apartment, I realized I messed things up with kids. Thankfully, I righted the ship (to steal a term from the Navy) and now I have been rebuilding the relationship with my kids and things are going pretty well. They still test me from time to time but it took some inward thinking and reflection to see what I was doing.

So my advice to you is while its great you are seeking help and yes sometimes a fresh set of eyes is a great and powerful thing, you must also look at yourself and see what you can do different. Sometimes making that change, while not simple, will pay off in droves.

My last bit of advice is this, if you ever feel yourself going into a dark place, please feel free to reach out to me or some one. You can email me at [login to see] and I'll give you my phone number or whatever you need. You aren't alone in the issues you face and while I may not be the right person to answer all your questions, I can listen and work with you to help find a path to try.

SFC Darrell Woods, As someone who Understands...
Being alone sucks. You have met someone nice, someone who has been offering the attention and interest you crave. Perhaps her kids subconsciously offer an opportunity to atone for the time you lost with your girls. It sounds wonderful.
But...
Be prepared to really have a new life. Your daughters that you are estranged from will almost certainly NOT take it well that stepmom gal is close to their age. It is impossible for me to gauge personalities, but they may take it personally when they see you doing dad stuff with her kids. Be prepared for drama, or worse more distancing.
You have a lot of regrets. Let's think this one through for a minute together. I will mix in a bit of my own situation, for perspective.
My children are younger (9, 8, and 3), but I too was absent frequently early in their lives, most recently last year. My wife of 16 years is leaving, moving out in the next 30-60 days. I have observed that my kids crave attention. Any validation from daddy that I am interested in what they are doing or I am proud of them is huge. As my wife removes herself, I see them trying to hold onto me. I encourage their mother to do things with them, but she wants out and is focused on her new life. I think this will have real consequences for her and them. So what I have done is pick up all the slack. I resigned from my job in order to spend more time with them during this summer of change. We are doing lots of fun things together; I missed this. It has been good for all of us, and it has helped me get used to the idea I will be a single dad. I will not tune them out, as happened to me when I was their age and my dad left.
My point to you is that the broken relationships with your daughters is a big stressor for you. Don't "try" to fix it. Allow them back into your life by taking an interest in theirs. Don't make any of it about you until the time is right and they open up. You seem to need this. Make it a priority.

Your lady friend is more complex. You are very far apart in age, and as such will be fundamentally different in thought process. This will be hard. You do not mention how long you have been divorced nor how many children she has.
What I think is that she is looking for a provider and a father figure for her children. This drive overrides other concerns that she would normally have seeing an older man, but I guarantee her family is talking about that to her. For her, she has specific things she wants/needs, and you represent the stability she craves. This can work for her, for now. What happens when you are 50? 60? You absolutely MUST have that conversation with her.
I might be reading into your post, but what I see you needing and wanting is redemption and a shot at companionship. She can offer this, for now. To be blunt, the key question I think you need to ask yourself is: Do you think that this is real and stands on its own, or does she represent a surrogate for the family you lost years ago. I would bet all the tea in China that where she is right now reminds you very much of when you were happy, and you want that again.
The relationship has to stand on its own or it will not stand. She can't be a crutch, or a follower, but rather an equal partner. This will be hard to accomplish, but possible.
I too am seeing a younger woman as things unravel. She is 29 (I am 41) and has one child. I have known her for many years, but now it is more than that. I read your story, and I perceive a lot of similarities in the likely motives of your and my girlfriends. The cautions I say to you are very much on my mind as well.

Lastly, you allude to the despair that could lead you to "be one of the 23 veterans a day".
For this, I have to counsel two things, other than what everyone will say about seeing a counselor:
1. Find your zen. You have your own interests and things you enjoy. Do them, alone or with others. Feeling better about yourself and your choices starts with you. Reach out to your daughters, without pressure. I am sure they miss you and want more, but are hurt by what happened. Be cautious but not evasive when introducing the new woman to them. They no doubt want you to be happy, but will resent the age gap. Go slow.
2. Examine carefully what you really want in a partner. Is the new woman that? Where are your strengths and weaknesses? What will you do if it doesn't work out, or if it does? She might be fantastic for you - I think that my friend is surprisingly good for me - but she has interests that likely diverge from yours. Are you ok with her going out with her (presumably her age) friends? What if you are not invited?

I see myself in much of what you say. If you want to speak more frankly, I'd be happy to IM through the RP site.
Good luck, Darrell. I mean it.

You have a mixed bag of things going on. Foremost, don't go at it alone. Get into counseling quick and get busy sorting things out. You'll find that you can only change yourself. Others (kids) have their own world and if they don't want to be close, insisting on it only drives them further away. Think about the long game that you want to win, not the short term thing. Your counselor will work with setting up a strategy. Same goes with your lady. If you're both serious about each other, you both have baggage that has to be sorted. The dragons need to be caged so you have clear air to build a good relationship on. I've always had a strong marriage but had several phases of counseling related to family and then military to sort out. That's how you build strength in a relationship. Work on it.