Posted on Aug 3, 2015
Is it okay to sacrifice days off away from family and friends for your career?
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Just wanted to gather some thoughts.
Say you're a top performer in every sense of the word, and you are being looked at for promotion. Of course extra tasks get sent down to you. When these extra tasks take away scheduled days off, but you know that you're in a good position that would benefit you and your family's future, is it okay to sacrifice that day or so away unexpectantly?
At what point is it not okay?
Just as a point of clarification, for me, the additional career involvement pertains to my civilian career, but I am definitely interested in all points of view, and believe that the military point of view actually holds more solid answers as it is a struggle between "duty" and family essentially...
Say you're a top performer in every sense of the word, and you are being looked at for promotion. Of course extra tasks get sent down to you. When these extra tasks take away scheduled days off, but you know that you're in a good position that would benefit you and your family's future, is it okay to sacrifice that day or so away unexpectantly?
At what point is it not okay?
Just as a point of clarification, for me, the additional career involvement pertains to my civilian career, but I am definitely interested in all points of view, and believe that the military point of view actually holds more solid answers as it is a struggle between "duty" and family essentially...
Posted in these groups: 
Civilian Career
Civilian Career
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 52
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It cost me dearly, SFC Nikhil Kumra.
I would caution you. Extra tasks are often assigned as a way to exploit a hard-charger. The price is high with your family, but the more insidious threat is that everyone else in the team "gets theirs" while all of those extra duties become yours.
You will burn out; they will get over.
No one wins.
I would caution you. Extra tasks are often assigned as a way to exploit a hard-charger. The price is high with your family, but the more insidious threat is that everyone else in the team "gets theirs" while all of those extra duties become yours.
You will burn out; they will get over.
No one wins.
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MSgt Jeff S.
BEST ANSWER ..... EVER! I also paid a very high price for being the "Go-To" guy. It becomes an expectation, as opposed to a one-off. You set the bar higher and higher until you have created a never-ending cycle that you can't stop. Then, when the family revolts and issues an ultimatum, you have to fail at work (because you stop going above and beyond) in order to save your home-life. Top that off with having to run damage-control in both arenas and you now have a recipe for disaster.
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1SG (Join to see)
Exactly what happened to me MSgt Jeff S., except I wasn't able to balance the two when the crisis hit, and ended up taking the hit in both places. If you are forced to choose, for the love of God please choose your family.
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SFC Nikhil Kumra
Thank you 1SG (Join to see) , I appreciate your response. Do you believe there is a way to be a hard charger and have a healthy personal life? This is such a tough thing for me to understand if it is possible.
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1SG (Join to see)
It is possible, SFC Nikhil Kumra. I did it for years with the support of my soon-to-be ex-wife. She held down the fort for a long time while Uncle Sam took and took.
But the cost was cumulative, and one day she just couldn't do it anymore and went off the deep end. Years of stress had taken its toll.
I was an excellent Soldier and innovative operator in my field. I excelled for many years and multiple deployments. Many of my former Soldiers count me as a very strong influence on them; 8 have become First Sergeants - and I am very proud of that.
But I would happily trade it all in if I could have my family back, intact. I cheated them out of their daddy, her husband. I will regret that long after I retire.
But the cost was cumulative, and one day she just couldn't do it anymore and went off the deep end. Years of stress had taken its toll.
I was an excellent Soldier and innovative operator in my field. I excelled for many years and multiple deployments. Many of my former Soldiers count me as a very strong influence on them; 8 have become First Sergeants - and I am very proud of that.
But I would happily trade it all in if I could have my family back, intact. I cheated them out of their daddy, her husband. I will regret that long after I retire.
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SFC Nikhil Kumra That, my friend, depends. It is all about balance. The trick of being successful, is finding the balance or the sweet spot. You most certainly have to focus on your mission and your troops if you want to be a great leader, but you also need to ensure your family is a priority too. It is a conundrum. When I was a SGT, LT, CPT, I did it too much; focused on the Army and at times neglected my family. As a grew more experienced (post company command) and more mature, I realized several things. (1) When my days in the Army were done, I would still have my family, and wanted that. I wanted that for all my troops as well. Many lose their families in the military, because of the military. Many times it is because they could not find the balance point. (2) I also realized if I died tomorrow, the only ones who would really miss me... long term, would be my family. The Army is designed to replace us all. Balance is a challenge, but it matters, and it is the key.
As a Battalion/Brigade Commander, my goals were simple:
1. Model a balanced lifestyle - I worked for many bossed who did not...
2. Make a difference everyday.
3. Leave the organization better than I found it.
As a Battalion/Brigade Commander, my goals were simple:
1. Model a balanced lifestyle - I worked for many bossed who did not...
2. Make a difference everyday.
3. Leave the organization better than I found it.
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SFC Nikhil Kumra
COL Charles Williams Thank you for the insight, I really like how you simplify your end-goal each day to 3 simple tasks. Do you think that it was necessary to sacrifice time away early on in your career in order to get to where you are? I guess what I struggle with, is not knowing how this all works, to put it simply - you work hard, move up, work hard again, focus on the next step, move up, continue to work hard, gain more responsibility and move up again, and so on... So I guess I just don't know if it is the case where the work just never ends - to where I either a) allow it to completely consume me, or b) I do my best to control it, disconnect, and have a healthy balance - in which case there is a pretty major fear of not being on top anymore. Which is essentially detrimental to my future anyway.
Or maybe I am looking at the entire concept of work all wrong.
Or maybe I am looking at the entire concept of work all wrong.
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COL Charles Williams
SFC Nikhil Kumra - Hmmm.... Like I said... early on... work was all I knew, and my family suffered... near divorced one time. Over time I learned to balance, and make it to everything that mattered. But, I also know even as a Colonel, I often worked too late when I did not need to... and my family grew accustomed to me being later than I said I would be... My wife would ask me if my time estimates were actual... or the normal BS... or words to that effect. My kids called me "a sayer"... In the end, I think I figured it out... but, I also think, many times I worked late for no good reason... I think after 911.... I realized just how many days, I had wasted working late... for no good reason; OPTEMPO post 911 helped with that. The reality was/is... there will always be more work. You need to work your ass off, but you also need to find the sweet spot. In the end, you family is most important. But, but being marginal, that can also have impacts on you and your family. It is possible to be good at both... I think.
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SFC Nikhil Kumra
Thanks COL Charles Williams I really appreciate it, I'm going to look at how I can be more purposeful with my time so that I'm not getting sucked in it anymore. You're absolutely correct, I need to find some sort of balance, disconnect at a certain point and stick with it. Thank you!
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SFC Nikhil Kumra, Yes, duty and challenge can come before the family; IF you have a capable, supportive wife that accepts your dedication! Even then; unless you are extremely dedicated to that lovely wife and family in every spare moment - there will be problems! Too many men are carried away by the aforesaid challenges and do not save enough energy/desire to properly maintain and support the wife and children. Military Reserve programs are littered w/ SMs who cannot let go, even after leaving AD and continue to seek as many challenges as if they had remained on AD!
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